Finally got some good news.
As you may remember from last week's episode, alright, the episode from a couple of days ago, I had my blood taken for tumor marker tests. Well, I got the results back today and everything is normal. I was kind of expecting they would be, but it's always a relief to actually get the news. For those who are interested, here they are:
CEA -> 2.3 (range is between 0.0 and 2.5)
CA 19-9 -> 12 (range is between 0 and 37)
I'll look up the results of past tests so you can see the differenes of before my surgery and after. I'll post them here on the blog and let you know when they are up.
For those who have to have this done regularly, you know what it is like waiting to hear the results. For those who have never had to go through this, just imagine every three months or so, waiting to find out if you have cancer again or not.
For now, I am off the hook for another 3 months, when I will get another tumor marker test and a CT scan.
Oh, and for those who were wondering, my bilirubin total was 0.85. (No, I don't know what that is, but it must be important or they wouldn't have tested for it. Right?)
Well, that's all the news that's fit to print. Hope everyone has a great weekend.
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
How I'm Doing
So, you're probably wondering how I've been faring. Well, I'll tell ya.
My intestines are still healing After a couple of months after the surgery I was beginning to worry that things weren't going to get any better. I went to see my oncologist, who took blood tests and felt for tumors. The blood tests all came back normal and he said he couldn't feel anything. So that was good to hear. I also called Dr. Sugarbaker's office to find out from them if what I was experiencing was normal. What I was told is that what I was going through was normal. I also received an email from a guy that went through something similar and he said it took about 6 months before everything started working again.
The good news is, there is a good chance everything will start working again. The bad news, it might take another 3 months or so. So, I just have to wait it out.
On another note, I went back to my oncologist again for another blood test. This was for tumor markers, which I have to get every three months. This is the first tumor marker test since my last surgery, so here's praying everything is normla.
A NEW FEATURE: You might notice a new feature on the right hand column. I now have a guest book that you are free to leave a message in. Also, don't forget that you can also leave a comment on any particular post.
Well, that is it for now. When I get the news back from the tumor marker test, I'll post again.
My intestines are still healing After a couple of months after the surgery I was beginning to worry that things weren't going to get any better. I went to see my oncologist, who took blood tests and felt for tumors. The blood tests all came back normal and he said he couldn't feel anything. So that was good to hear. I also called Dr. Sugarbaker's office to find out from them if what I was experiencing was normal. What I was told is that what I was going through was normal. I also received an email from a guy that went through something similar and he said it took about 6 months before everything started working again.
The good news is, there is a good chance everything will start working again. The bad news, it might take another 3 months or so. So, I just have to wait it out.
On another note, I went back to my oncologist again for another blood test. This was for tumor markers, which I have to get every three months. This is the first tumor marker test since my last surgery, so here's praying everything is normla.
A NEW FEATURE: You might notice a new feature on the right hand column. I now have a guest book that you are free to leave a message in. Also, don't forget that you can also leave a comment on any particular post.
Well, that is it for now. When I get the news back from the tumor marker test, I'll post again.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
In Memory...
On Sunday morning, at 10:20 AM, Josh Allen finished his battle with cancer. He fought courageously with all that he had. He fought for his family. He fought for his friends. He fought for himself. But now his fight is over. Now he finally gets to rest. Cancer free.
On Sept 16th, 2004, Josh went to the hospital again because he had difficulty breathing. When they did some tests, it turned out he had fluid surrounding his lungs and he was put on a ventilator. They drained the fluid and the pathology report came back saying it was cancer. Josh spent the next 10 days in the hospital.
On Sat, Sept 25th, I received a phone call from Marisa (Josh’s sister) asking for prayer and telling us that the doctors did not expect Josh to make it past the weekend. I immediately sent out a prayer request to all of my family and friends. The next day we got the news that Josh passed away.
Josh was diagnosed with mucinous adenocarcinoma of the appendix (the same diagnosis I have) in Jan of this year. It is obvious now that his cancer was much more advanced than mine and probably more aggressive. Although he never had the “Mother Of All Surgeries”, he endured countless trips to the hospital, spent more time in ICU than I ever did, went through more rounds of chemo than I did and suffered with an NG tube longer than I did. And through all that time, he kept plugging away. Never giving up. He was a strong man and a valiant warrior when it came to fighting cancer.
But some warriors die. And when they do, they are remembered by those left behind. There is a tradition among soldiers to toast fallen comrades, and so, in that spirit, I would ask you to raise a glass, a bottle, or a cup of your favorite beverage…
To fallen comrades.
To Josh.
May his life and fight be an example to others. May his memory be a blessing to all.
On Sept 16th, 2004, Josh went to the hospital again because he had difficulty breathing. When they did some tests, it turned out he had fluid surrounding his lungs and he was put on a ventilator. They drained the fluid and the pathology report came back saying it was cancer. Josh spent the next 10 days in the hospital.
On Sat, Sept 25th, I received a phone call from Marisa (Josh’s sister) asking for prayer and telling us that the doctors did not expect Josh to make it past the weekend. I immediately sent out a prayer request to all of my family and friends. The next day we got the news that Josh passed away.
Josh was diagnosed with mucinous adenocarcinoma of the appendix (the same diagnosis I have) in Jan of this year. It is obvious now that his cancer was much more advanced than mine and probably more aggressive. Although he never had the “Mother Of All Surgeries”, he endured countless trips to the hospital, spent more time in ICU than I ever did, went through more rounds of chemo than I did and suffered with an NG tube longer than I did. And through all that time, he kept plugging away. Never giving up. He was a strong man and a valiant warrior when it came to fighting cancer.
But some warriors die. And when they do, they are remembered by those left behind. There is a tradition among soldiers to toast fallen comrades, and so, in that spirit, I would ask you to raise a glass, a bottle, or a cup of your favorite beverage…
To fallen comrades.
To Josh.
May his life and fight be an example to others. May his memory be a blessing to all.
Sunday, September 26, 2004
Yom Kippur
This is Roni writing. I haven't posted in a while, but it's early in the a.m., and I can't sleep. It's been quite a day, and I have so much on my mind and in my heart.
Yesterday was Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement for the Jewish people. It's a somber, contemplative holiday in which we fast, examine ourselves, repent and ask for forgiveness. It's also a day when we remember the loved ones we have lost.
There is an afternoon service called Yizkor during which congregants pray silently from the prayer book to remember our loved ones who are no longer with us. There are separate prayers for those who have lost children, parents, spouses...
I can't even tell you the emotions that came over me as I turned past the page containing the prayer for those who have lost a husband. It was on Oct. 8, two days after Yom Kippur last year (Jewish calendar is lunar), that Kevin went to the emergency room and we discovered he was sick. It was on Oct. 9, 2003 that I almost lost him (the first close call of others to follow) when he went in for emergency surgery. The fact that today I did not observe the Yizkor service as a widow is the culmination of so many miracles, so many answered prayers. It's wonderful. It's humbling. It's amazing and mystifying. It's the greatest joy, and it is sobering.
Only a few short hours before yesterday's Yizkor service, Kevin received a call on his cell phone to ask for prayer for fellow appendix cancer fighter, Josh. Doctors don't expect him to make it through the weekend. (That just means doctors are at the end of their resources; G-d is not at the end of His.) Even as I felt such gratitude for having Kevin at my side in the service, my heart went out to Gretchen and the whole Allen family. (I'm so grateful to our whole synagogue who prayed for them at the service yesterday!)
Many prayers went up from me today for Josh's healing, and for strength and peace for the family. I thought of people on our internet support group--Frank who recently lost his wife, Kat who joyfully had her husband restored to her, Steph & Jesse who daily, and heroically, struggle with this disease, Nancy who is home with her small children while her husband is away in a hospital recovering from surgery and awaiting another procedure, others whom we haven't heard from in a while, for whom we hope and pray the best. Friends who are dealing with other kinds of health issues or financial loss or broken relationships. All people who are too young, or too good--usually both--to have disease, pain, loss, fear, stress, disability... invade their lives so violently. It would seem there is no exemption card.
But Yom Kippur is also a day for remembering that G-d is a G-d of redemption, mercy and lovingkindness, even though we fall so short of being the people we should be. For us, as Messianic Jews, we also remember the suffering of the Messiah Yeshua (the suffering Messiah is spoken of in the Talmud, Sukkah 52a as well as in the Scriptures--e.g. Isaiah 53). He suffered and died to be our atonement. But He also was raised from the dead to be our redeemer--our rescuer from the fate of a life here on earth, as well as in eternity, separated from G-d's love, strength, courage, grace... all the things we need to face a life that can feel so harsh and cruel, especially when bad things do happen to good people. To any people. To any of G-d's creation.
There is a lot I don't know or understand. But I know one thing. If I had had to say the widow's prayer yesterday, somehow, G-d would have imparted to me enough faith, truth and comfort to enable me to go on and say--through tears of pain and loss to be sure--the Kaddish (the mourner's prayer). This beautiful prayer acknowledges that despite pain and sorrow, G-d is worthy to be praised. It acknowledges the need for mourning, the period of deep grieiving and the sorrow that never fully disipates, but it also employs the discipline of praising G-d in the midst of pain to help mourners to move into acceptance without becomming bitter. A portion:
"Glorified and celebrated, lauded and praised, acclaimed and honored, extolled and exalted may the Holy One be, fay beyond all song and psalm, beyond all tributes which man can utter. And let us say: Amen.
"Let there be abundant peace from heaven, with life's goodness for us and for all the people Israel. [And for all people of faith, integrity and seekers of truth who struggle with hard realities. For all in the PMPbellybuttons support group, for my fellow congregants, my family and friends everywhere].
"And let us say: Amen."
Yesterday was Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement for the Jewish people. It's a somber, contemplative holiday in which we fast, examine ourselves, repent and ask for forgiveness. It's also a day when we remember the loved ones we have lost.
There is an afternoon service called Yizkor during which congregants pray silently from the prayer book to remember our loved ones who are no longer with us. There are separate prayers for those who have lost children, parents, spouses...
I can't even tell you the emotions that came over me as I turned past the page containing the prayer for those who have lost a husband. It was on Oct. 8, two days after Yom Kippur last year (Jewish calendar is lunar), that Kevin went to the emergency room and we discovered he was sick. It was on Oct. 9, 2003 that I almost lost him (the first close call of others to follow) when he went in for emergency surgery. The fact that today I did not observe the Yizkor service as a widow is the culmination of so many miracles, so many answered prayers. It's wonderful. It's humbling. It's amazing and mystifying. It's the greatest joy, and it is sobering.
Only a few short hours before yesterday's Yizkor service, Kevin received a call on his cell phone to ask for prayer for fellow appendix cancer fighter, Josh. Doctors don't expect him to make it through the weekend. (That just means doctors are at the end of their resources; G-d is not at the end of His.) Even as I felt such gratitude for having Kevin at my side in the service, my heart went out to Gretchen and the whole Allen family. (I'm so grateful to our whole synagogue who prayed for them at the service yesterday!)
Many prayers went up from me today for Josh's healing, and for strength and peace for the family. I thought of people on our internet support group--Frank who recently lost his wife, Kat who joyfully had her husband restored to her, Steph & Jesse who daily, and heroically, struggle with this disease, Nancy who is home with her small children while her husband is away in a hospital recovering from surgery and awaiting another procedure, others whom we haven't heard from in a while, for whom we hope and pray the best. Friends who are dealing with other kinds of health issues or financial loss or broken relationships. All people who are too young, or too good--usually both--to have disease, pain, loss, fear, stress, disability... invade their lives so violently. It would seem there is no exemption card.
But Yom Kippur is also a day for remembering that G-d is a G-d of redemption, mercy and lovingkindness, even though we fall so short of being the people we should be. For us, as Messianic Jews, we also remember the suffering of the Messiah Yeshua (the suffering Messiah is spoken of in the Talmud, Sukkah 52a as well as in the Scriptures--e.g. Isaiah 53). He suffered and died to be our atonement. But He also was raised from the dead to be our redeemer--our rescuer from the fate of a life here on earth, as well as in eternity, separated from G-d's love, strength, courage, grace... all the things we need to face a life that can feel so harsh and cruel, especially when bad things do happen to good people. To any people. To any of G-d's creation.
There is a lot I don't know or understand. But I know one thing. If I had had to say the widow's prayer yesterday, somehow, G-d would have imparted to me enough faith, truth and comfort to enable me to go on and say--through tears of pain and loss to be sure--the Kaddish (the mourner's prayer). This beautiful prayer acknowledges that despite pain and sorrow, G-d is worthy to be praised. It acknowledges the need for mourning, the period of deep grieiving and the sorrow that never fully disipates, but it also employs the discipline of praising G-d in the midst of pain to help mourners to move into acceptance without becomming bitter. A portion:
"Glorified and celebrated, lauded and praised, acclaimed and honored, extolled and exalted may the Holy One be, fay beyond all song and psalm, beyond all tributes which man can utter. And let us say: Amen.
"Let there be abundant peace from heaven, with life's goodness for us and for all the people Israel. [And for all people of faith, integrity and seekers of truth who struggle with hard realities. For all in the PMPbellybuttons support group, for my fellow congregants, my family and friends everywhere].
"And let us say: Amen."
Thursday, September 23, 2004
Why do bad things happen to good people?
I think it is true for every cancer patient to think, “Why did this happen to me?” I know I did. Why couldn’t Osama binLaden get cancer and die in some cave in Afghanistan? Why did G-d allow me to get cancer and not some scumbag terrorist?
I don’t have an answer to that. The best thing I can come up with is, it just is. We live in an imperfect world, and sometimes you get hit in the noggin with a curve ball.
I remember lying in my hospital bed, in Oct of 2003. The surgeon that performed the emergency operation on me was to stop by in the morning and give us the result of the pathology report. Roni hadn’t arrived yet. At first I kept praying for good news. Over and over again, I would pray, “G-d, please let it not be serious.” Then for some reason my prayer changed. I then started praying, “G-d, please give us the strength to face whatever happens.”
A short time later, after Roni had arrived, the surgeon stopped by and told us, “It’s malignant.” I believe my prayer helped me to be ready for that.
It is now almost a year later. I have been through 3 operations, two of which included chemo. I have been through 4 rounds of chemo (both oral and infusion). I have spent a total of 6 weeks in hospital and about 9 at home recovering. I have had to deal with an ostomy, and then the effects of having it reversed. I’ve been through a lot, but others have been through much worse.
My wife and I have spent hours praying for healing, and G-d has answered our prayer. Then I think, why did He answer our prayer and not the prayers of others? I don’t know. Maybe He did, but not with the answer they wanted. Maybe there are lessons we need to learn from going through all this pain and suffering. Maybe in the long run, it will make us better people, and will make it possible for us to help others through their times of trouble.
At least that is what my prayer is now.
I don’t have an answer to that. The best thing I can come up with is, it just is. We live in an imperfect world, and sometimes you get hit in the noggin with a curve ball.
I remember lying in my hospital bed, in Oct of 2003. The surgeon that performed the emergency operation on me was to stop by in the morning and give us the result of the pathology report. Roni hadn’t arrived yet. At first I kept praying for good news. Over and over again, I would pray, “G-d, please let it not be serious.” Then for some reason my prayer changed. I then started praying, “G-d, please give us the strength to face whatever happens.”
A short time later, after Roni had arrived, the surgeon stopped by and told us, “It’s malignant.” I believe my prayer helped me to be ready for that.
It is now almost a year later. I have been through 3 operations, two of which included chemo. I have been through 4 rounds of chemo (both oral and infusion). I have spent a total of 6 weeks in hospital and about 9 at home recovering. I have had to deal with an ostomy, and then the effects of having it reversed. I’ve been through a lot, but others have been through much worse.
My wife and I have spent hours praying for healing, and G-d has answered our prayer. Then I think, why did He answer our prayer and not the prayers of others? I don’t know. Maybe He did, but not with the answer they wanted. Maybe there are lessons we need to learn from going through all this pain and suffering. Maybe in the long run, it will make us better people, and will make it possible for us to help others through their times of trouble.
At least that is what my prayer is now.
Friday, September 03, 2004
Arizona
Well, I arrived home from my trip to Arizona yesterday. The conference I went to was good, the only problem was that my digestive system was still giving me a hard time. Hopefully things will start to settle down soon. :-(
It was hot in Arizona, over 100 degrees farenheight every day. But it was still great. The resort was beautiful and the scenery was amazing.
Roni went with me and stayed for a couple of days. The first day we were there, we drove to Tucson to visit another cancer fighter, Josh Allen (you can find a link to his blog -- created and updated by his sister-- at the right of my blog). We spent about 4 hours there and had a great time. Having a strong, loving family is an important part of fighting cancer, and Josh certainly has one. We met his wife and kids, his parents and sisters, his mother-in-law, cousin and one of his sister's boyfriend. At once they made us feel at home and when we left, we felt like we were part of the family. Josh was recovering from a round of chemo, so he spent most of the time sleeping.
Please continue to keep him and his family in prayer. His fight isn't over and he needs as many people as possible watching his back.
As for me, I am still have digestive problems. About 6 or so bowel movements a day. Morning are still the hardest, and I have not been getting much sleep. So please keep me in your prayers as well.
Concerning the cancer support group at work, I spoke with the nurse in our HR dept and she thinks it is a great idea. She was on vacation for the past two weeks, so she said she will try to set up a meeting with her, me, a representative from the American Cancer Society and a rep from Time Inc's EAP (Employee Assistance Program). I'll let you all know how it goes.
Well, that is about it for now. I'll try to get some pics from our trip up soon and will let you all know when they are available.
Kevin
P.S. The blog has a new feature. Clicking on the small envelope icon at the bottom of the post allows you to quickly and easily email a link to the post to a friend.
It was hot in Arizona, over 100 degrees farenheight every day. But it was still great. The resort was beautiful and the scenery was amazing.
Roni went with me and stayed for a couple of days. The first day we were there, we drove to Tucson to visit another cancer fighter, Josh Allen (you can find a link to his blog -- created and updated by his sister-- at the right of my blog). We spent about 4 hours there and had a great time. Having a strong, loving family is an important part of fighting cancer, and Josh certainly has one. We met his wife and kids, his parents and sisters, his mother-in-law, cousin and one of his sister's boyfriend. At once they made us feel at home and when we left, we felt like we were part of the family. Josh was recovering from a round of chemo, so he spent most of the time sleeping.
Please continue to keep him and his family in prayer. His fight isn't over and he needs as many people as possible watching his back.
As for me, I am still have digestive problems. About 6 or so bowel movements a day. Morning are still the hardest, and I have not been getting much sleep. So please keep me in your prayers as well.
Concerning the cancer support group at work, I spoke with the nurse in our HR dept and she thinks it is a great idea. She was on vacation for the past two weeks, so she said she will try to set up a meeting with her, me, a representative from the American Cancer Society and a rep from Time Inc's EAP (Employee Assistance Program). I'll let you all know how it goes.
Well, that is about it for now. I'll try to get some pics from our trip up soon and will let you all know when they are available.
Kevin
P.S. The blog has a new feature. Clicking on the small envelope icon at the bottom of the post allows you to quickly and easily email a link to the post to a friend.
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Six Weeks Post Op
Just a quick update to let everyone know what is going on.
Today is 6 weeks since my surgery. The scar is healing well, but still a little tight. My main problem continues to be waiting for my intestines to start working properly. Some days are better than others, but I still have to make a few more trips to the bathroom than I would like. Unfortunately, this seems to be normal. Others that I have heard from that had ileostomies reversed said it usually takes 2 -3 months for the colon to start doing what it is supposed to do. So I continue to wait....
On another note, I am in the process of finding out how to go about starting a Cancer Support Group at Time Inc. I am not sure how it will all pan out, but I have contacted someone in the Medical Dept of HR and she seems to think it is a great idea. We will probably be meeting this week to discuss it. I also think it is a great idea and hope it works out. As things proceed, I'll keep you posted.
That's all for now,
Kevin
Today is 6 weeks since my surgery. The scar is healing well, but still a little tight. My main problem continues to be waiting for my intestines to start working properly. Some days are better than others, but I still have to make a few more trips to the bathroom than I would like. Unfortunately, this seems to be normal. Others that I have heard from that had ileostomies reversed said it usually takes 2 -3 months for the colon to start doing what it is supposed to do. So I continue to wait....
On another note, I am in the process of finding out how to go about starting a Cancer Support Group at Time Inc. I am not sure how it will all pan out, but I have contacted someone in the Medical Dept of HR and she seems to think it is a great idea. We will probably be meeting this week to discuss it. I also think it is a great idea and hope it works out. As things proceed, I'll keep you posted.
That's all for now,
Kevin
Thursday, August 05, 2004
Back at work
After only 4 weeks after a major abdominal surgery, I have finally returned to work. Granted, I am still healing and can't take the stairs or walk as fast as I normally do, but it's a start.
As for the healing, I had the stitches removed last week and the scar is healing OK. I still have a 12 inch scar running down my chest (looks like a zipper) along with other smaller scars where the drains were put into my chest and abdomen. The main problem I am having now is getting my colon to start functioning properly again. After not being used for 9 months, it got lazy and now has to relearn how to do its job. At first this meant having to go the bathroom about 10-15 times a day, with a lot of diarrea. Things are much better now. I am down to about 6-8 trips a day to the loo and the diarrea is getting better. This seems to be normal for ostomy reversals, but I am hoping that it doesn't last too much longer.
On another note, we will be taking our first airplane trip in quite a while at the end of this month. We will be going to Phoenix, AZ. I will be attending a FileMaker Pro Developers Conference and Roni will come for a couple of days. We hope to drive to Tucson to visit Marisa Allen and her brother Josh (another cancer fighter). I'm not looking forward to the heat, but it should be a great trip otherwise.
Well, that's about it for now. Will post more later.
Kevin
As for the healing, I had the stitches removed last week and the scar is healing OK. I still have a 12 inch scar running down my chest (looks like a zipper) along with other smaller scars where the drains were put into my chest and abdomen. The main problem I am having now is getting my colon to start functioning properly again. After not being used for 9 months, it got lazy and now has to relearn how to do its job. At first this meant having to go the bathroom about 10-15 times a day, with a lot of diarrea. Things are much better now. I am down to about 6-8 trips a day to the loo and the diarrea is getting better. This seems to be normal for ostomy reversals, but I am hoping that it doesn't last too much longer.
On another note, we will be taking our first airplane trip in quite a while at the end of this month. We will be going to Phoenix, AZ. I will be attending a FileMaker Pro Developers Conference and Roni will come for a couple of days. We hope to drive to Tucson to visit Marisa Allen and her brother Josh (another cancer fighter). I'm not looking forward to the heat, but it should be a great trip otherwise.
Well, that's about it for now. Will post more later.
Kevin
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Going Home!
Baring any unanticipated digestion problems, Kevin will be realeased tomorrow. We plan to stay Sunday night in DC (to avoid weekend traffic back into NY). We will head home Monday. Yippee!!
Kevin's biggest struggle now is getting strength and appetite back. He's really doing well overall, though. Thursday we walked out to the lovely hospital courtyard and sat in the sun, and yesterday we strolled the hospital corridors for about 20 minutes.
Dr. S. consulted with us yesterday. He recommends no more chemo. Regular blood tests and CT scans will be used for early detection of any recurrence, but Drs. are optimistic that they got it all. We are praying that any further dealings with this disease will be as support for others who are struglling with it.
If I were one to cry for joy, there would have been streams running down my face yesterday as I read Dr. Sugarbaker's consultation report, which summarized our ten-month battle with cancer and PMP. It has been a miraculous journey. I am humbled by all the prayers, words of comfort and acts of kindness from so many who really care. I don't even know how to fully take in the many, many signs that the G-d of heaven and earth divinely intervened on our behalf.
I still don't know why bad things happen to good people (and I don't really trust anyone who thinks they have an iron-clad answer to that one) except that somehow the "bad" things either bring out the best or the worst in people. We are so blessed to have so many people in our lives whose wonderful qualities of compassion, strength, selfless service, etc., etc. illuminated our lives during what otherwise would have been a very dark nine months.
We've met wonderful people in the PMP/appendix cancer community who would not otherwise be in our lives. We will continue to pray for individual s and families who struggle with this disease, as well as for breakthroughs in diagnosing and treating it.
Roni
Kevin's biggest struggle now is getting strength and appetite back. He's really doing well overall, though. Thursday we walked out to the lovely hospital courtyard and sat in the sun, and yesterday we strolled the hospital corridors for about 20 minutes.
Dr. S. consulted with us yesterday. He recommends no more chemo. Regular blood tests and CT scans will be used for early detection of any recurrence, but Drs. are optimistic that they got it all. We are praying that any further dealings with this disease will be as support for others who are struglling with it.
If I were one to cry for joy, there would have been streams running down my face yesterday as I read Dr. Sugarbaker's consultation report, which summarized our ten-month battle with cancer and PMP. It has been a miraculous journey. I am humbled by all the prayers, words of comfort and acts of kindness from so many who really care. I don't even know how to fully take in the many, many signs that the G-d of heaven and earth divinely intervened on our behalf.
I still don't know why bad things happen to good people (and I don't really trust anyone who thinks they have an iron-clad answer to that one) except that somehow the "bad" things either bring out the best or the worst in people. We are so blessed to have so many people in our lives whose wonderful qualities of compassion, strength, selfless service, etc., etc. illuminated our lives during what otherwise would have been a very dark nine months.
We've met wonderful people in the PMP/appendix cancer community who would not otherwise be in our lives. We will continue to pray for individual s and families who struggle with this disease, as well as for breakthroughs in diagnosing and treating it.
Roni
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Thursday--Day 9 post-op
Late morning yesterday, they removed the four remining drains. The pain caused Kevin to clench all his muscles each time one was pulled, despite all the extra pain med he administered prior and during romoval. He spent most of yesterday sleeping off the extra medication, though we did go for a walk last night and then visited Alice for about a half hour.
Today Kevin's back and abdominal muscles are really sore from the clenching he did yesterday. He's having a little difficulty adjusting to his liquid diet. If he starts handling the fluids better by end of day, they'll start him on surgical soft diet tomorrow. If he keeps progressing well with digestion, we could go home as early as Sunday. More likely will be Tuesday-ish before he is released.
So now we wait for the plumbing to heal. Otherwise, all is good, though Kevin is fed up with not feeling good. Poor guy. :-(
Roni
Today Kevin's back and abdominal muscles are really sore from the clenching he did yesterday. He's having a little difficulty adjusting to his liquid diet. If he starts handling the fluids better by end of day, they'll start him on surgical soft diet tomorrow. If he keeps progressing well with digestion, we could go home as early as Sunday. More likely will be Tuesday-ish before he is released.
So now we wait for the plumbing to heal. Otherwise, all is good, though Kevin is fed up with not feeling good. Poor guy. :-(
Roni
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Cancer Free!
Kevin remains cancer free. Dr. Yoo (oncologist) came up last night to give us the good news from the pathology report. There was some miniscule recurrence of the PMP (the slow-growing mucinous disease), but absolutely NO carcinoma cells. Dr. Yoo is recomending no further chemo., just tumor markers every three months and CT scans every six months.
Alice* had even better news yesterday when she woke up from surgery--no recurrence! We've declared 7/13 an official holiday--Hyland/Kersey Cancer Free Day. We plan to celebrate it annually for a long time to come.
Alice is in the room next door. The two of them will be stirring up trouble together in no time.
Kevin starts his liquid diet today. Mmmmmm.
*Alice Hyland is the 26-year-old who lives and works near us. She and Kevin were hospital buddies last Feb./Mar. Kevin had the Mother of all surgeries one day before Alice's MOAS.
Alice* had even better news yesterday when she woke up from surgery--no recurrence! We've declared 7/13 an official holiday--Hyland/Kersey Cancer Free Day. We plan to celebrate it annually for a long time to come.
Alice is in the room next door. The two of them will be stirring up trouble together in no time.
Kevin starts his liquid diet today. Mmmmmm.
*Alice Hyland is the 26-year-old who lives and works near us. She and Kevin were hospital buddies last Feb./Mar. Kevin had the Mother of all surgeries one day before Alice's MOAS.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
NG Tube is out!
Yeah! Kev tolerated yesterday's clamping just fine, and they pulled the NG tube (Kev's mom says it stands for "ghastly nasty") right after early rounds, about 7:30 this morning.
Kev can now sip water (woo hoo!) and tomorrow will start a liquid diet (mmmmmm broth). His throat is already beginning to feel better, and it's much easier for him to talk.
As always, thanks for the prayers.
Roni
Kev can now sip water (woo hoo!) and tomorrow will start a liquid diet (mmmmmm broth). His throat is already beginning to feel better, and it's much easier for him to talk.
As always, thanks for the prayers.
Roni
Sunday, July 11, 2004
Day 5 Post Op
Hello all,
Kevin is recovering well, though not as quickly as he would like. He still has the NG (Naso-Gastric) tube inserted to pump stomach fluids (prevents vomiting). It KILLS his throat, making it hard for him to rest. In order to shut the stomach down, he can't even swallow liquids, so his poor throat is also dry and hot. He doesn't speak unless he has absolutely has to--not even to make wise-cracks. His IV sedative does not relieve the throat pain, neither do numbing lozenges and spray.
Tomorrow they may try clamping the NG tube and see if he can avoid nausea for the day without it. If so, they may remove it Tuesday. Please pray that that thing can come out Tuesday at the latest!
They did remove the catheter this morning. One tube down; seven to go. Each time a tube comes out, mobility is a little easier. He started walking in the halls yesterday, and seems to have more strength and energy each day. I think he'd have more if he were not managing pain all the time.
Vital signs have remained strong and steady, healing of intestines and bowels seems to be progressing, white count has dipped slightly below normal, but Dr. Sugarbaker isn't worried. He says the milder chemo drug they used this time tends to kick in later down the road, so we still need to pray that Kevin will avoid a further decrease of his white count after leaving the hospital. Still not sure when that will be--Dr. predicts a week from Tues. at the very earliest.
My parents left on Sat. morning. They were a great help, but it seems as though Kev and I can handle things okay from this point on without having someone else physically present. The nurses have been wonderful. They all remember us from Feb./Mar. and are so sweet and caring. The ward was full when we were here before, and they were run ragged. They are at half capacity now, so response time, quality of care, etc. is better. (Donna, I passed your message on to Rose; she would like your email. Okay to give it to her?)
Tomorrow, we will be reunited with Alice--our down-the-hall pal from Feb. She is having follow surgery on Tues. Your prayers that all would go well for her would be very appreciated.
Will let you know when the NG comes out. There will much celebrating here!
Roni
Kevin is recovering well, though not as quickly as he would like. He still has the NG (Naso-Gastric) tube inserted to pump stomach fluids (prevents vomiting). It KILLS his throat, making it hard for him to rest. In order to shut the stomach down, he can't even swallow liquids, so his poor throat is also dry and hot. He doesn't speak unless he has absolutely has to--not even to make wise-cracks. His IV sedative does not relieve the throat pain, neither do numbing lozenges and spray.
Tomorrow they may try clamping the NG tube and see if he can avoid nausea for the day without it. If so, they may remove it Tuesday. Please pray that that thing can come out Tuesday at the latest!
They did remove the catheter this morning. One tube down; seven to go. Each time a tube comes out, mobility is a little easier. He started walking in the halls yesterday, and seems to have more strength and energy each day. I think he'd have more if he were not managing pain all the time.
Vital signs have remained strong and steady, healing of intestines and bowels seems to be progressing, white count has dipped slightly below normal, but Dr. Sugarbaker isn't worried. He says the milder chemo drug they used this time tends to kick in later down the road, so we still need to pray that Kevin will avoid a further decrease of his white count after leaving the hospital. Still not sure when that will be--Dr. predicts a week from Tues. at the very earliest.
My parents left on Sat. morning. They were a great help, but it seems as though Kev and I can handle things okay from this point on without having someone else physically present. The nurses have been wonderful. They all remember us from Feb./Mar. and are so sweet and caring. The ward was full when we were here before, and they were run ragged. They are at half capacity now, so response time, quality of care, etc. is better. (Donna, I passed your message on to Rose; she would like your email. Okay to give it to her?)
Tomorrow, we will be reunited with Alice--our down-the-hall pal from Feb. She is having follow surgery on Tues. Your prayers that all would go well for her would be very appreciated.
Will let you know when the NG comes out. There will much celebrating here!
Roni
Thursday, July 08, 2004
2 Days Post Up - Holding Steady
Yesterday Kevin sat up in a chair for more than an hour and a half (he was determined to do more than the one hour minimum doctors ordered). He nodded off a lot, but he stayed up! Getting out of and back into bed is a big acheivement. He hasn't gotten up yet today. Probably will do that when I get back to the room; we'll see if he can walk a bit.
He's being an excellent patient, and his nurses love him. What's not to love?
Kevin looks fabulous! I first time I saw him after surgery was at about 10:00 p.m. Tues. night. He looked healthy except for edema, and of course the tubes. His coloring is great. You should have seen the smile on his puffy face when I first saw him after the surgery and told him the ostomy reversal had gone beautifully! Wish I'd taken a picure!
He's very coherent when he's fully awake. He's experiencing more discomfort than pain, except for the very sore throat from the NG tube, making talking difficult. He's also exhausted, from a combination of: sedation from the pain meds; waking often; and what his body has been through. His vital signs have been within normal range and are fairly stable.
Kevin's digestive system seems to be working ahead of schedule, but I'll wait to report on that when I've had a chance to talk to the Drs. about it on next morning rounds. Otherwise, the most eventful thing so far was the migraine I suffered last night--think it was triggered by poor air quality. I went outside in the morning for "fresh" air. I should have realized when I could actually see the air that it wasn't so fresh. Thank you Beth El (my synagogue) for your prayers at last night's meeting. Headache is very much under control and I'm fully functional again. Once again, grateful my parents were here. Dad stayed with Kevin last night while I recovered at the hotel with Mom bringing me cold water and ginger ale.
As always, grateful for your support and prayers,
Roni
He's being an excellent patient, and his nurses love him. What's not to love?
Kevin looks fabulous! I first time I saw him after surgery was at about 10:00 p.m. Tues. night. He looked healthy except for edema, and of course the tubes. His coloring is great. You should have seen the smile on his puffy face when I first saw him after the surgery and told him the ostomy reversal had gone beautifully! Wish I'd taken a picure!
He's very coherent when he's fully awake. He's experiencing more discomfort than pain, except for the very sore throat from the NG tube, making talking difficult. He's also exhausted, from a combination of: sedation from the pain meds; waking often; and what his body has been through. His vital signs have been within normal range and are fairly stable.
Kevin's digestive system seems to be working ahead of schedule, but I'll wait to report on that when I've had a chance to talk to the Drs. about it on next morning rounds. Otherwise, the most eventful thing so far was the migraine I suffered last night--think it was triggered by poor air quality. I went outside in the morning for "fresh" air. I should have realized when I could actually see the air that it wasn't so fresh. Thank you Beth El (my synagogue) for your prayers at last night's meeting. Headache is very much under control and I'm fully functional again. Once again, grateful my parents were here. Dad stayed with Kevin last night while I recovered at the hotel with Mom bringing me cold water and ginger ale.
As always, grateful for your support and prayers,
Roni
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Surgery went well
Kevin's surgery lasted about six and a half hours. At the end of it, Dr. Sugarbaker said he was very happy with what he saw (& didn't see!) and with how well the procedure went. He's giving Kevin a good prognosis. As I'm writing this, Kevin is in the Anesthesia Recovery Unit.
Findings & procedures of today's surgery:
1. The "cyst" that showed up on the CT scan turned out to be nothing more than some lymphatic fluid that had collected due to missing lympnodes (taken out in last surgery) plus blockage from some scar tissue that had built up over the mesh left from hernia repair (7 years ago).
2. There was some recurrence of disease--mucus as well as cells the "shouldn't be there"--all confined to the left side of the abdomen. We'll know better what we're dealing with in about a week when the biopsy report comes back. However, the very good news is that the initial pathology tests done during surgery indicate that there are no signet ring cells* present
*the very aggressive nasty cancer that was present in October
3. The ostomy repair went beautifully! Can't wait to tell Kevin.
4. The spleen is still healthy and stayed put! Dr. S. felt that the scalloping was from previous mild pancreatitis.
5. The were lots of adhessions; most of the time spent in surgery was spent of cleaning those up. Dr. S. felt that there will likely be no long term complications from adhesions.
6. A small portion of the bowel had to be removed (because of adhesions), but Dr. S. said the amount is insignificant, and Kevin "will never miss it."
7. They did administer chemo during the surgery, but not the very potent melphalin Kevin had last time. The did the chemo stir for 60 mins. instead of the usual 90 becuase Dr. S. felt confident that 60 mins. was sufficient. They will not be doing follow up chemo washes--Dr. S. just doen't feel it's needed.
8. Hospital stay is expected to be 2 weeks (maybe less). Kevin lost very litttle blood, his vitals have been good, he's been stable. Unless anything changes, he will go straight from the Anesthesia Unit to his room sometime tonight, by-passing ICU.
Dr. Sugarbaker is happy, and therefore I am very happy.
There was a nerve-wracking period while we waited for the results of the pathology report to know whether some hard decissions about administering very potent chemo might have to be made, but thankfully, it turned out to be a non-issue. Never-the-less, I was very grateful to have my parents here with me as well as to be able to talk to and pray with my rabbi over the phone. It was also a comfort to know how many people said they would be praying... thank you!
Okay. Sleep for me! More later.
Love,
a grateful and exhausted Roni
Findings & procedures of today's surgery:
1. The "cyst" that showed up on the CT scan turned out to be nothing more than some lymphatic fluid that had collected due to missing lympnodes (taken out in last surgery) plus blockage from some scar tissue that had built up over the mesh left from hernia repair (7 years ago).
2. There was some recurrence of disease--mucus as well as cells the "shouldn't be there"--all confined to the left side of the abdomen. We'll know better what we're dealing with in about a week when the biopsy report comes back. However, the very good news is that the initial pathology tests done during surgery indicate that there are no signet ring cells* present
*the very aggressive nasty cancer that was present in October
3. The ostomy repair went beautifully! Can't wait to tell Kevin.
4. The spleen is still healthy and stayed put! Dr. S. felt that the scalloping was from previous mild pancreatitis.
5. The were lots of adhessions; most of the time spent in surgery was spent of cleaning those up. Dr. S. felt that there will likely be no long term complications from adhesions.
6. A small portion of the bowel had to be removed (because of adhesions), but Dr. S. said the amount is insignificant, and Kevin "will never miss it."
7. They did administer chemo during the surgery, but not the very potent melphalin Kevin had last time. The did the chemo stir for 60 mins. instead of the usual 90 becuase Dr. S. felt confident that 60 mins. was sufficient. They will not be doing follow up chemo washes--Dr. S. just doen't feel it's needed.
8. Hospital stay is expected to be 2 weeks (maybe less). Kevin lost very litttle blood, his vitals have been good, he's been stable. Unless anything changes, he will go straight from the Anesthesia Unit to his room sometime tonight, by-passing ICU.
Dr. Sugarbaker is happy, and therefore I am very happy.
There was a nerve-wracking period while we waited for the results of the pathology report to know whether some hard decissions about administering very potent chemo might have to be made, but thankfully, it turned out to be a non-issue. Never-the-less, I was very grateful to have my parents here with me as well as to be able to talk to and pray with my rabbi over the phone. It was also a comfort to know how many people said they would be praying... thank you!
Okay. Sleep for me! More later.
Love,
a grateful and exhausted Roni
Friday, July 02, 2004
More Good News. More Bad News.
With the surgery getting closer, we are getting some more information about the CT scans from this week. We sent the CT scan films and report to Dr. Sugarbaker so he would receive them today. Roni called and talked to Ilsa (Dr. Sugarbaker's wife and office manager).
So first the bad news.
Dr. Sugarbaker, after looking at the films, said, "That's not so bad." While that sounds like good news (and in a way it is), it also means that Dr. Sugarbaker will be using chemo during the surgery. This means a longer surgery and a longer recovery. Probably about 2-3 weeks in the hospital, instead of the one week we were hoping for.
Now the good news.
One of the main fears I have had was that the ostomy would be permanent. After the last surgery, Dr. Sugarbaker said it was only temporary and would be reversed during the next surgery (the one on July 6th). After hearing about the findings of the new CT scan, I was worried that somehow it would keep the ostomy from being reversed. When Roni spoke to Ilsa today, she asked if the ostomy would still be reversed and Ilsa said she would ask Dr. Sugarbaker. About 6 pm this evening, Ilsa called and said she had some good news. She said that Dr. Sugarbaker said it was his top priority to reverse the ileostomy. That was good news. I am not looking forward to another surgery and recovery, but having the ileostomy gone will be a big plus.
Now, we just pray that the surgery will go smoothly. The cystic mass will be benign and the recovery will go quickly.
We're looking forward to giving you some more good news in a few days.
Kevin
So first the bad news.
Dr. Sugarbaker, after looking at the films, said, "That's not so bad." While that sounds like good news (and in a way it is), it also means that Dr. Sugarbaker will be using chemo during the surgery. This means a longer surgery and a longer recovery. Probably about 2-3 weeks in the hospital, instead of the one week we were hoping for.
Now the good news.
One of the main fears I have had was that the ostomy would be permanent. After the last surgery, Dr. Sugarbaker said it was only temporary and would be reversed during the next surgery (the one on July 6th). After hearing about the findings of the new CT scan, I was worried that somehow it would keep the ostomy from being reversed. When Roni spoke to Ilsa today, she asked if the ostomy would still be reversed and Ilsa said she would ask Dr. Sugarbaker. About 6 pm this evening, Ilsa called and said she had some good news. She said that Dr. Sugarbaker said it was his top priority to reverse the ileostomy. That was good news. I am not looking forward to another surgery and recovery, but having the ileostomy gone will be a big plus.
Now, we just pray that the surgery will go smoothly. The cystic mass will be benign and the recovery will go quickly.
We're looking forward to giving you some more good news in a few days.
Kevin
Thursday, July 01, 2004
Good News - Not-So-Good News
Doctor’s Visit and Test Results
We met with Dr. Ratner today, Kevin’s oncologist, to review the results of blood work (for tumor markers) and a CT scan that Kevin had this week in preparation for Tuesday’s surgery. We had some good news and not-so-good news. First the good news:
Tumor Markers
Levels were normal indicating no malignancy present. These test are indicators and not 100% conclusive, but the results certainly are very encouraging.
Now the not-so-good news:
The CT scan:
• Chest – lungs, heart, etc. completely clear
• All lymph nodes appear normal except one (in abdominal cavity), which is just slightly enlarged (may just be result of inflammation).
• A “low density cystic mass along the peritoneal surface on the right lower quadrant”
-- 7.1x5.7 cm
-- Appears to be fluid filled
• “Scalloping” appears around Kevin’s spleen, indicating that there are possibly tumors growing on the outside of it
What does all this mean?
• The CT scan is inconclusive:
-- All we know is that there is a cyst and scalloping around the spleen that indicate PMP. This is our main concern right now.
-- CT scans don’t always show all cysts and tumors. We have heard of times when the surgeon opens up the patient and finds more tumor than what was indicated on the CT scan. We are praying that this is not the case with me.
Basically, there’s a lot we won’t really know until Dr. Sugarbaker completes the surgery on Tuesday.
• Carcinoma unlikely, or This doesn’t necessarily mean the cancer is back:
-- PMP is not always carcinogenic.
-- Carcinoma usually occurs as older tumors mutate. (Kevin likely had this disease for 6 years prior to the October emergency, his triple hernia being the first symptoms.) Any cysts/tumors there now developed only since the February surgery.
-- The tumor markers are negative and Kevin had two more rounds of systemic chemo post surgery (which kills cancer cells, but not PMP)
We will receive conclusive results of pathology reports about one week post-op.
• Not “new” PMP. Sometime vestiges of PMP (muscinous tumors) hide in the “nooks and crannies” of the abdomen. Dr. S. gives heated chemo during the surgery to kill whatever is “hiding.” Even so, sometimes there are too many layers for the chemo to fully penetrate; new cysts and tumors grow from whatever wasn’t eradicated.
The Goals of the Upcoming surgery (9:00 a.m. Tues. 7/6):
1) Exploratory. Dr. Sugarbaker will be able to have a real look and see what is going on.
2) Removal of the cyst and likely the spleen and enlarged lymph node along with adjacent lymph nodes and surrounding blood vessels (for pathology testing). The strange thing about the spleen is that last surgery, Dr. Sugarbaker said he was going to take it, but during the surgery said it looked fine and decided to leave.
3) If PMP confirmed, heated chemo wash will be administered (though not the intense melphalin Kevin had last time).
4) The ostomy reversal is expected to take place as planned -- Regardless of whether PMP is present, both Dr. Ratner and Ilsa feel as though Dr. Sugarbaker will likely still be able to reverse the ileostomy. We FedExed the CT scan films today. Roni is going to call Ilsa tomorrow to see if after reviewing them Dr. Sugarbaker feels that there is a possibility of delaying the ostomy reversal. (Please pray specifically that the reversal will take place.)
Recovery:
• If chemo is administered during surgery then longer hospital stay (2-3 weeks in total, barring complications).
• Possible additional chemo -- Dr. S. will decide post-surgery about standard five days of heated chemo pumped directly into the abdominal cavity
• If what appears on the CT scan turns out not to be PMP (or miraculously disappears!), then no chemo and a hospital stay of 5-7 days.
Please pray:
• That this will be the last battle in this war (which we are confident we will win), and that the cyst would even disappear, along with the scalloping on the spleen
• For wisdom and skill for Dr. Sugarbaker, his surgical team and all of the hospital’s care givers
• Pathology reports would show no cancer
• The ostomy will be reversed
• Comfort and peace for us and our family members, especially Kevin’s parents who are not able to come from Oregon.
• Safety for Roni’s parents as they drive up from NC to be with us
• Safety for our trip down (and blessings for the Valois who are driving us there!)
• Quick healing
• No complications
• Kevin to experience minimal pain and discomfort from all of the tubes (especially NG tube), needles, leg pumpers and everything else they do to poor hospital patients – also that he would get sleep, despite the daily and nightly parade of nurses, etc. that come through the room.
We met with Dr. Ratner today, Kevin’s oncologist, to review the results of blood work (for tumor markers) and a CT scan that Kevin had this week in preparation for Tuesday’s surgery. We had some good news and not-so-good news. First the good news:
Tumor Markers
Levels were normal indicating no malignancy present. These test are indicators and not 100% conclusive, but the results certainly are very encouraging.
Now the not-so-good news:
The CT scan:
• Chest – lungs, heart, etc. completely clear
• All lymph nodes appear normal except one (in abdominal cavity), which is just slightly enlarged (may just be result of inflammation).
• A “low density cystic mass along the peritoneal surface on the right lower quadrant”
-- 7.1x5.7 cm
-- Appears to be fluid filled
• “Scalloping” appears around Kevin’s spleen, indicating that there are possibly tumors growing on the outside of it
What does all this mean?
• The CT scan is inconclusive:
-- All we know is that there is a cyst and scalloping around the spleen that indicate PMP. This is our main concern right now.
-- CT scans don’t always show all cysts and tumors. We have heard of times when the surgeon opens up the patient and finds more tumor than what was indicated on the CT scan. We are praying that this is not the case with me.
Basically, there’s a lot we won’t really know until Dr. Sugarbaker completes the surgery on Tuesday.
• Carcinoma unlikely, or This doesn’t necessarily mean the cancer is back:
-- PMP is not always carcinogenic.
-- Carcinoma usually occurs as older tumors mutate. (Kevin likely had this disease for 6 years prior to the October emergency, his triple hernia being the first symptoms.) Any cysts/tumors there now developed only since the February surgery.
-- The tumor markers are negative and Kevin had two more rounds of systemic chemo post surgery (which kills cancer cells, but not PMP)
We will receive conclusive results of pathology reports about one week post-op.
• Not “new” PMP. Sometime vestiges of PMP (muscinous tumors) hide in the “nooks and crannies” of the abdomen. Dr. S. gives heated chemo during the surgery to kill whatever is “hiding.” Even so, sometimes there are too many layers for the chemo to fully penetrate; new cysts and tumors grow from whatever wasn’t eradicated.
The Goals of the Upcoming surgery (9:00 a.m. Tues. 7/6):
1) Exploratory. Dr. Sugarbaker will be able to have a real look and see what is going on.
2) Removal of the cyst and likely the spleen and enlarged lymph node along with adjacent lymph nodes and surrounding blood vessels (for pathology testing). The strange thing about the spleen is that last surgery, Dr. Sugarbaker said he was going to take it, but during the surgery said it looked fine and decided to leave.
3) If PMP confirmed, heated chemo wash will be administered (though not the intense melphalin Kevin had last time).
4) The ostomy reversal is expected to take place as planned -- Regardless of whether PMP is present, both Dr. Ratner and Ilsa feel as though Dr. Sugarbaker will likely still be able to reverse the ileostomy. We FedExed the CT scan films today. Roni is going to call Ilsa tomorrow to see if after reviewing them Dr. Sugarbaker feels that there is a possibility of delaying the ostomy reversal. (Please pray specifically that the reversal will take place.)
Recovery:
• If chemo is administered during surgery then longer hospital stay (2-3 weeks in total, barring complications).
• Possible additional chemo -- Dr. S. will decide post-surgery about standard five days of heated chemo pumped directly into the abdominal cavity
• If what appears on the CT scan turns out not to be PMP (or miraculously disappears!), then no chemo and a hospital stay of 5-7 days.
Please pray:
• That this will be the last battle in this war (which we are confident we will win), and that the cyst would even disappear, along with the scalloping on the spleen
• For wisdom and skill for Dr. Sugarbaker, his surgical team and all of the hospital’s care givers
• Pathology reports would show no cancer
• The ostomy will be reversed
• Comfort and peace for us and our family members, especially Kevin’s parents who are not able to come from Oregon.
• Safety for Roni’s parents as they drive up from NC to be with us
• Safety for our trip down (and blessings for the Valois who are driving us there!)
• Quick healing
• No complications
• Kevin to experience minimal pain and discomfort from all of the tubes (especially NG tube), needles, leg pumpers and everything else they do to poor hospital patients – also that he would get sleep, despite the daily and nightly parade of nurses, etc. that come through the room.
Monday, June 21, 2004
Sometimes The Dragon Wins
There is a road in Tennessee bikers refer to as “The Dragon”. It is an 11 mile stretch of road with 318 curves. There is a hotel called “Deals Gap” where a lot of bikers start the ride. At Deals Gap, they have a collection of photos of pieces of motorcycles that didn’t make it. The caption of the photos say “Sometimes the dragon wins.”
Why do I bring this up? In the past month, there have been two people in the cancer support group that Roni and I belong to that have lost their mothers to this terrible disease. With all of the good news that Roni and I received concerning my battle with cancer, and the many success stories we have heard, it is still important to remember that cancer is still a very deadly disease and not everybody makes it.
Please take a few moments to remember those who have lost their fight with cancer and their families that have to learn to go on without them.
Cancer, like the dragon, sometimes wins.
Kevin
Why do I bring this up? In the past month, there have been two people in the cancer support group that Roni and I belong to that have lost their mothers to this terrible disease. With all of the good news that Roni and I received concerning my battle with cancer, and the many success stories we have heard, it is still important to remember that cancer is still a very deadly disease and not everybody makes it.
Please take a few moments to remember those who have lost their fight with cancer and their families that have to learn to go on without them.
Cancer, like the dragon, sometimes wins.
Kevin
Two Weeks To Go Until The Next Surgery
Well, I have two weeks until my next surgery. We’re praying that it will also be my last surgery as far as this cancer goes. Right now I don’t know if I am more excited about getting this over and done with or nervous about having to go through another surgery and another hospital stay.
People keep asking why I have to go through another surgery. The reason is two-fold. The first reason is it will be an exploratory surgery. There are two possibilities here. One, Dr. Sugerbaker will find no tumors. That means that the surgery will be relatively short, no chemo will be involved and I should only have to stay in the hospital for about a week or so. If tumor is found, it will have to be removed, and chemo will be used again during the surgery. That will mean another hospital stay of 3 weeks or so. We’re praying that nothing will be found.
The second reason for the surgery is to reverse the ileostomy, or as some like to say, “reconnect the plumbing.” This is what I am most excited about. I have had the ileostomy since my emergency surgery in Oct of 2003. While I have learned to live with it, and have found I can still live a somewhat normal live, I will still be glad to get rid of it.
The surgery will be done in Washington DC and will take place on July 6th. At first we were told we will need to be there on July 3rd for pre-admission testing. We were told the 3rd, because the hospital will be closed for testing on July 5th due to the July 4th weekend. When I called Ilsa (the office manager and Dr. Sugarbaker’s wife) she said that I could have the testing done here in NY, which meant that we won’t have to be there until July 5th.
So, on June 28th I will be going to my oncologist for an EKG and blood tests. Then on June 30th, I will be going to East River Imaging to have another CT scan.
For those praying, here are the requests:
1) The pre-admission testing will go well
2) No tumors will be found during the surgery
3) The ileostomy will be reversed with no problem
4) The hospital stay will be short and the recovery will go smoothly
We will try to update the blog before the surgery, and as often as possible during the hospital stay and recovery.
Thank you all for prayers and concerns.
Kevin
People keep asking why I have to go through another surgery. The reason is two-fold. The first reason is it will be an exploratory surgery. There are two possibilities here. One, Dr. Sugerbaker will find no tumors. That means that the surgery will be relatively short, no chemo will be involved and I should only have to stay in the hospital for about a week or so. If tumor is found, it will have to be removed, and chemo will be used again during the surgery. That will mean another hospital stay of 3 weeks or so. We’re praying that nothing will be found.
The second reason for the surgery is to reverse the ileostomy, or as some like to say, “reconnect the plumbing.” This is what I am most excited about. I have had the ileostomy since my emergency surgery in Oct of 2003. While I have learned to live with it, and have found I can still live a somewhat normal live, I will still be glad to get rid of it.
The surgery will be done in Washington DC and will take place on July 6th. At first we were told we will need to be there on July 3rd for pre-admission testing. We were told the 3rd, because the hospital will be closed for testing on July 5th due to the July 4th weekend. When I called Ilsa (the office manager and Dr. Sugarbaker’s wife) she said that I could have the testing done here in NY, which meant that we won’t have to be there until July 5th.
So, on June 28th I will be going to my oncologist for an EKG and blood tests. Then on June 30th, I will be going to East River Imaging to have another CT scan.
For those praying, here are the requests:
1) The pre-admission testing will go well
2) No tumors will be found during the surgery
3) The ileostomy will be reversed with no problem
4) The hospital stay will be short and the recovery will go smoothly
We will try to update the blog before the surgery, and as often as possible during the hospital stay and recovery.
Thank you all for prayers and concerns.
Kevin
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Rolling Thunder
During the Memorial Day weekend, Roni and I rode to Washington DC to take part in an annual event called Rolling Thunder. The last time we were in DC was for my Mother Of All Surgeries in Feb '04. This time was much better.
Rolling Thunder is an event to remember the POWs and MIAs from Viet Nam and other wars. It has also become a time to honor all military personnel, both active duty and vets.
We rode down on Friday with 6 others from my HOG (Harley Owners Group) chapter and had a great time. The riding was good and the company first rate.
Sunday was the Rolling Thunder parade. We assembled at the Pentagon parking lot. We arrive shortly before 7AM and there were already thousands of bikes there. By the time the parade started at 12 noon, there was an estimated 500,000 bikes. You read that right. Almost a half million motorcycles. For me, the parade is the highlight of the trip. Riding through DC with thousands of people waving, cheering and honoring the military is a great feeling. And to be part of it, is both humbling and an honor.
On Sunday, Roni and I also were able to meet up with my dad and brother who were there to see the WWII Memorial. My father is a WWII vet, serving in the South Pacific in the Navy. It was a very special time for him and I was glad to be able to share that time with him. Personally, I feel the WWII Memorial is way too late. It should have been built years ago. But that is one thing I admire about that generation, they never needed recognition, they just did what they had to and wanted to get back to their lives. I have the utmost respect for them all. And to have my father part of that great generation is an honor.
This reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw, "If you can read, thank a teacher. If you can read English, thank a vet."
So, to the Vets and Active Duty of the US Military, I salute you.
To view the pictures that were taken, visit these links:
Rolling Thunder
WWII Memorial
Rolling Thunder is an event to remember the POWs and MIAs from Viet Nam and other wars. It has also become a time to honor all military personnel, both active duty and vets.
We rode down on Friday with 6 others from my HOG (Harley Owners Group) chapter and had a great time. The riding was good and the company first rate.
Sunday was the Rolling Thunder parade. We assembled at the Pentagon parking lot. We arrive shortly before 7AM and there were already thousands of bikes there. By the time the parade started at 12 noon, there was an estimated 500,000 bikes. You read that right. Almost a half million motorcycles. For me, the parade is the highlight of the trip. Riding through DC with thousands of people waving, cheering and honoring the military is a great feeling. And to be part of it, is both humbling and an honor.
On Sunday, Roni and I also were able to meet up with my dad and brother who were there to see the WWII Memorial. My father is a WWII vet, serving in the South Pacific in the Navy. It was a very special time for him and I was glad to be able to share that time with him. Personally, I feel the WWII Memorial is way too late. It should have been built years ago. But that is one thing I admire about that generation, they never needed recognition, they just did what they had to and wanted to get back to their lives. I have the utmost respect for them all. And to have my father part of that great generation is an honor.
This reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw, "If you can read, thank a teacher. If you can read English, thank a vet."
So, to the Vets and Active Duty of the US Military, I salute you.
To view the pictures that were taken, visit these links:
Rolling Thunder
WWII Memorial
Sunday, May 09, 2004
Tales from the hospital - Part 1 - by Kevin
Although Roni was good at keeping the blog updated while we were at the hospital, there were some things she didn't write about. I'll try to write about some of our experiences while we were there.
As you already know, the surgery at Washington DC lasted 10 hours. What you haven't been told is what it was like coming out of the surgery.
Honestly, I was pretty doped up so I don't remember that much, but here is what I do remember.
After the surgery, I was moved to recovery then to ICU.
Because the surgery was so long and complicated, they left the breathing tube down my throat to help me breathe. They also had an NG tube going in my nose and down my throat into my stomach. This was used to empty the liquids that collect in the stomach and is one of the most uncomfortable things in the world. Apart from the two tubes going down my throat, I also had 4 drains in my abdomen and three in my chest. These were used to drain fluids from their respective areas. I also had a chest port used for pumping liquid nutrition and other IV fluids into me. With all of these tubes, they tied my hands to the bed to make sure I would not pull anything out after coming out of surgery.
I don't know if you have ever had the feeling of complete helplessness, but if you can imagine being tied up, not being able to talk, being half conscious and not really knowing where you are or who is around you, you might get an idea of what my first day was like.
Since I couldn't talk, I was given a pen and a piece of paper to write with. As my penmanship is bad normally, I can only guess at how bad it was when I was doped up on pentonol. The nurses must have learned to decipher bad handwriting because the did a good job of figuring out what I wanted.
As I said before, I don't remember much of that time, but I do remember Roni being there and saying that the doctor believed he got everything and that although I still have the ileostomy, it would be able to be reversed at a later time. I was really hoping the doctor would've been able to reverse it then, but just knowing that it was not permanent was good enough.
I was in ICU for only a day (the doctor said that I would probably be there two) before being moved to my own private room. Well, private in the sense that there were no other patients in there. Roni stayed with me most of the time, being relieved by friends and family so she could get some much needed rest. I was never left alone until the last few days I was there. Even though I was out of ICU in only a day, I wouldn't be out of the woods for a couple of weeks.
As you already know, the surgery at Washington DC lasted 10 hours. What you haven't been told is what it was like coming out of the surgery.
Honestly, I was pretty doped up so I don't remember that much, but here is what I do remember.
After the surgery, I was moved to recovery then to ICU.
Because the surgery was so long and complicated, they left the breathing tube down my throat to help me breathe. They also had an NG tube going in my nose and down my throat into my stomach. This was used to empty the liquids that collect in the stomach and is one of the most uncomfortable things in the world. Apart from the two tubes going down my throat, I also had 4 drains in my abdomen and three in my chest. These were used to drain fluids from their respective areas. I also had a chest port used for pumping liquid nutrition and other IV fluids into me. With all of these tubes, they tied my hands to the bed to make sure I would not pull anything out after coming out of surgery.
I don't know if you have ever had the feeling of complete helplessness, but if you can imagine being tied up, not being able to talk, being half conscious and not really knowing where you are or who is around you, you might get an idea of what my first day was like.
Since I couldn't talk, I was given a pen and a piece of paper to write with. As my penmanship is bad normally, I can only guess at how bad it was when I was doped up on pentonol. The nurses must have learned to decipher bad handwriting because the did a good job of figuring out what I wanted.
As I said before, I don't remember much of that time, but I do remember Roni being there and saying that the doctor believed he got everything and that although I still have the ileostomy, it would be able to be reversed at a later time. I was really hoping the doctor would've been able to reverse it then, but just knowing that it was not permanent was good enough.
I was in ICU for only a day (the doctor said that I would probably be there two) before being moved to my own private room. Well, private in the sense that there were no other patients in there. Roni stayed with me most of the time, being relieved by friends and family so she could get some much needed rest. I was never left alone until the last few days I was there. Even though I was out of ICU in only a day, I wouldn't be out of the woods for a couple of weeks.
Surgery Date Confirmed - July 6th, 2004
I wrote in my last entry that we had a tentative surgery date. Well, it's been confirmed.
When I went for my latest chemo infusion, I asked my oncologist about having only one more chemo treatment instead of two. That way, I would be able to have my surgery at the beginning of July instead of the beginning of August. He agreed and so now my next and hopefully last surgery will be done on July 6th.
This surgery should be much easier than the previous ones. The first one was dangerous because it was done with a lot of infection in my abdomen. As a matter of fact, that is what they were concerned about during my operation in Oct of 2003, that the infection would kill me. They weren't that concerned about the cancer at that time. I remember my wife being concerned about visiting because she was afraid she was coming down with a cold and they told her that they were pumping so many antibiotics in me, it wouldn't be a problem. Fortunately G-d did a miracle and I healed quickly. Some thought that I would be in there for at least a couple of weeks, maybe even three. I was out of there in 11 days.
The second surgery was difficult because it lasted 10 hours and consisted of a lot of moving my organs around, a lot of scarping, removing some parts, and a lot of very toxic chemo. Actually, it was due to the chemo that my white blood cell count dropped dramatically. It took about 4 days before it was back up to normal. Who knows, if it wasn't for that I might even have gotten out earlier than I did. For those who don't know, most patients are expected to be in the hospital for 3-6 weeks. Dr. Sugarbaker said he expected I would be there about 3 weeks (21 days). I beat that expectation too and was out of there in only 17 days.
This next surgery will be done with me being relatively healthy, and shouldn't involve any chemo. The surgery should also be shorter and it will only consist of the doctor having a look around and making sure the cancer has not come back, then reversing the ileostomy. As long as everything looks OK, and the reversal goes well, the hospital stay should only be about a week, with probably 2 or so weeks to recover at home. So, hopefully by the middle of August I will be well on my way to getting better than I was even before the first surgery in Oct.
Since the surgery is scheduled for July 6th, we will have to be there on July 3rd for pre-admission testing (blood test, urine test and a CT scan). They said we have to come in on Sat because they will be closed for testing on the Monday, July 5th. That means we will be there for the 4th of July. Should be neat to be in the capital for Independence Day.
For those praying, please keep this surgery in your prayers. Pray that nothing will be found and the reversal goes better than expected. We have already seen so many miracles, but we would love to see a few more.
Kevin
When I went for my latest chemo infusion, I asked my oncologist about having only one more chemo treatment instead of two. That way, I would be able to have my surgery at the beginning of July instead of the beginning of August. He agreed and so now my next and hopefully last surgery will be done on July 6th.
This surgery should be much easier than the previous ones. The first one was dangerous because it was done with a lot of infection in my abdomen. As a matter of fact, that is what they were concerned about during my operation in Oct of 2003, that the infection would kill me. They weren't that concerned about the cancer at that time. I remember my wife being concerned about visiting because she was afraid she was coming down with a cold and they told her that they were pumping so many antibiotics in me, it wouldn't be a problem. Fortunately G-d did a miracle and I healed quickly. Some thought that I would be in there for at least a couple of weeks, maybe even three. I was out of there in 11 days.
The second surgery was difficult because it lasted 10 hours and consisted of a lot of moving my organs around, a lot of scarping, removing some parts, and a lot of very toxic chemo. Actually, it was due to the chemo that my white blood cell count dropped dramatically. It took about 4 days before it was back up to normal. Who knows, if it wasn't for that I might even have gotten out earlier than I did. For those who don't know, most patients are expected to be in the hospital for 3-6 weeks. Dr. Sugarbaker said he expected I would be there about 3 weeks (21 days). I beat that expectation too and was out of there in only 17 days.
This next surgery will be done with me being relatively healthy, and shouldn't involve any chemo. The surgery should also be shorter and it will only consist of the doctor having a look around and making sure the cancer has not come back, then reversing the ileostomy. As long as everything looks OK, and the reversal goes well, the hospital stay should only be about a week, with probably 2 or so weeks to recover at home. So, hopefully by the middle of August I will be well on my way to getting better than I was even before the first surgery in Oct.
Since the surgery is scheduled for July 6th, we will have to be there on July 3rd for pre-admission testing (blood test, urine test and a CT scan). They said we have to come in on Sat because they will be closed for testing on the Monday, July 5th. That means we will be there for the 4th of July. Should be neat to be in the capital for Independence Day.
For those praying, please keep this surgery in your prayers. Pray that nothing will be found and the reversal goes better than expected. We have already seen so many miracles, but we would love to see a few more.
Kevin
Saturday, April 24, 2004
Starting Chemo and Possible Surgery Date
Starting chemo on April 26th.
This Thursday I had an appointment to see my oncologist. Last time I was there, I weighed about 150 pounds. I had lost about 15 pounds since my surgery and was having a hard time gaining it back. During the last visit, the doctor said he wanted me to gain about 10 lbs before starting chemo up again, and to come back three weeks later. Well, Thursday was three weeks later.
I had my blood tested, which I do every time. They jab my finger with a needle, take a small sample and test mainly for red blood cell, white blood cell and platelets count. This time they were all fine. My platelets were extremely high when I first came back from the hospital (over 900, and the sage range is 150-450). This time everything was normal. Even the platelet count was well within range (205).
After the blood test, I was led to the examining room and waited for the doctor. He came in and said that I was looking pretty good, and with the weight I gained (I am back up to about 160), I could go ahead and start my chemo treatments again. Now, I know what you are thinking, "Boy, I bet you weren't glad to hear that". Well, I was. I don't like the chemo, but the sooner I get it started, the sooner I get it over with. And instead of the 4 treatments that were left after my initial two done in Dec and Jan, the doctor said I should probably only do 3. Sounds good to me. that means my last day would be Jun 20. I then went ahead and scheduled a time with the nurser. I start again on Monday, April 26th. That day I will start taking the oral Xeloda, which I will take twice a day for two weeks, then have a week off. That day I will also have an IV infusion of Oxaliplatin. That is the chemo that really wipes me out for about a week. I only get that once every three weeks.
Since I knew when my chemo was starting, I knew when I would be finished with it. So I called Dr. Sugarbaker's office to see if I could schedule my next and final surgery. This one would be a combine exploratory and ileostomy reversal. At first the doctor said he could do it on Aug 3rd. Why so late, you ask. First of all, he requires that surgery take place at least 4 weeks after finishing chemo. Second, he is a very busy man and does a lot of surgeries. That was the only time after July 20th he had available.
I asked if they were sure they couldn't do it sooner. Then they suggested instead of 3 rounds of chemo, I only do two (which means I would finish on May 30th and the surgery would take place on July 6th. That sounded great to me, so I told them yes, as long as my oncologist agrees. I will ask him on Monday when I go in to start chemo.
I am excited about this next surgery, because they will finally reverse this ileostomy, and I can begin to get back to normal. This surgery should also be easier (as long as they don't need to use chemo) and the recovery period shorter that the last two. It still won't be easy, as it will be the third major abdominal surgery in 9 months, but it'll be easier than the last one.
So, if you are reading this and you are a praying person, please pray that my oncologist agrees to the two rounds of chemo and that I can get the surgery in July.
Thank you.
This Thursday I had an appointment to see my oncologist. Last time I was there, I weighed about 150 pounds. I had lost about 15 pounds since my surgery and was having a hard time gaining it back. During the last visit, the doctor said he wanted me to gain about 10 lbs before starting chemo up again, and to come back three weeks later. Well, Thursday was three weeks later.
I had my blood tested, which I do every time. They jab my finger with a needle, take a small sample and test mainly for red blood cell, white blood cell and platelets count. This time they were all fine. My platelets were extremely high when I first came back from the hospital (over 900, and the sage range is 150-450). This time everything was normal. Even the platelet count was well within range (205).
After the blood test, I was led to the examining room and waited for the doctor. He came in and said that I was looking pretty good, and with the weight I gained (I am back up to about 160), I could go ahead and start my chemo treatments again. Now, I know what you are thinking, "Boy, I bet you weren't glad to hear that". Well, I was. I don't like the chemo, but the sooner I get it started, the sooner I get it over with. And instead of the 4 treatments that were left after my initial two done in Dec and Jan, the doctor said I should probably only do 3. Sounds good to me. that means my last day would be Jun 20. I then went ahead and scheduled a time with the nurser. I start again on Monday, April 26th. That day I will start taking the oral Xeloda, which I will take twice a day for two weeks, then have a week off. That day I will also have an IV infusion of Oxaliplatin. That is the chemo that really wipes me out for about a week. I only get that once every three weeks.
Since I knew when my chemo was starting, I knew when I would be finished with it. So I called Dr. Sugarbaker's office to see if I could schedule my next and final surgery. This one would be a combine exploratory and ileostomy reversal. At first the doctor said he could do it on Aug 3rd. Why so late, you ask. First of all, he requires that surgery take place at least 4 weeks after finishing chemo. Second, he is a very busy man and does a lot of surgeries. That was the only time after July 20th he had available.
I asked if they were sure they couldn't do it sooner. Then they suggested instead of 3 rounds of chemo, I only do two (which means I would finish on May 30th and the surgery would take place on July 6th. That sounded great to me, so I told them yes, as long as my oncologist agrees. I will ask him on Monday when I go in to start chemo.
I am excited about this next surgery, because they will finally reverse this ileostomy, and I can begin to get back to normal. This surgery should also be easier (as long as they don't need to use chemo) and the recovery period shorter that the last two. It still won't be easy, as it will be the third major abdominal surgery in 9 months, but it'll be easier than the last one.
So, if you are reading this and you are a praying person, please pray that my oncologist agrees to the two rounds of chemo and that I can get the surgery in July.
Thank you.
A Week of Firsts
This week has been a week of firsts for me and Roni.
Last Wed I was watching the weather and saw that Sunday was supposed to be in the mid 70s and sunny. I had been feeling pretty good and was beginning to think about getting my motorcycle and go riding on Sunday. It had been about 6 months since I had ridden, and I was a little nervous about getting on the bike again. Physically I thought I was up for it. Still a little weak, but strong enough.
So on Thur, I called the guy who I left my bike with. He was not home, but his mother-in-law (probably watching the kids) said he was in CT for some HOG training. "Great." I thought, "I won't be able to get my bike now." I was told to call later to speak to his wife. I called about 9:30PM and his wife said that I could stop by Friday after work and get it. That would work out, as I had to get to the dealer before they closed and get it inspected. As it had been off the road for over 6 months, it did not have the registration sticker (I did bring that with me to put on) or current inspection sticker. I wanted to make sure I got to the dealer because I did not want to risk getting a ticket. Anyway, we get to the house, later than I expected, and after a few mins, the bike fired up. I let it warm up as Roni and I put our gear on, then getting directions to the dealer, we sped off.
As we were riding to the dealer, I kept looking at my watch, realizing that we weren't going to make it. About 6 PM (when the dealership closes) we were still about 40 blocks away and I told Roni we were too late. She says a quick prayer, "G-d, please let someone still be there, and let them have compassion on us." Well, we got there about 6:10 and pulled up outside the service entrance. I saw that there were still people there and figured they were getting ready for an open house the next day. I then asked the service manager if it would be possible to get my bike inspected real quick. I knew it would be quick because last year, it took all of 5 mins. This year they broke that record and did it in about 3 mins. OK, they really didn't "inspect" the bike. They basically pulled the old sticker off and put the new one on. Good enough for me, as least I was legal.
It was now about 6:20 PM and we headed home. Roni suggested we stop by the Cohen's (our Rabbi and his family) to show them that we had the bike. You should also know that when we first got the bike in Apr of 2002, the first place we rode to was the Cohen's. That time they were happy for us. This time they were ecstatic to see us on the bike again. That was a sign to them that my recovery was really moving along. They then invited us to stay for Shabbat dinner which we readily accepted. We had a great time and rode home afterwards happy and content.
So, I told you that, to tell you this. Because Sun was going to be beautiful, I wanted to go on a decent ride and I wanted Roni to come along. On Sunday, I got my haircut (first haircut since my surgery - whoo hoo) and cleaned some of the dust and grime off the bike. Then Roni and I went on our first ride since sometime last summer. It was my first real ride since all my medical problems began on Oct 8, 2003.
Also, since I had been feeling so good, I also decided to try going back to the gym. On Wed about 5:30 PM, I went to the gym for the first time since my surgery. I spent about 40 mins there and came back tired, but feeling like I accomplished something.
So this really was a week of firsts. Not a lot, but a couple of major ones. And for me, that's pretty darn good.
Last Wed I was watching the weather and saw that Sunday was supposed to be in the mid 70s and sunny. I had been feeling pretty good and was beginning to think about getting my motorcycle and go riding on Sunday. It had been about 6 months since I had ridden, and I was a little nervous about getting on the bike again. Physically I thought I was up for it. Still a little weak, but strong enough.
So on Thur, I called the guy who I left my bike with. He was not home, but his mother-in-law (probably watching the kids) said he was in CT for some HOG training. "Great." I thought, "I won't be able to get my bike now." I was told to call later to speak to his wife. I called about 9:30PM and his wife said that I could stop by Friday after work and get it. That would work out, as I had to get to the dealer before they closed and get it inspected. As it had been off the road for over 6 months, it did not have the registration sticker (I did bring that with me to put on) or current inspection sticker. I wanted to make sure I got to the dealer because I did not want to risk getting a ticket. Anyway, we get to the house, later than I expected, and after a few mins, the bike fired up. I let it warm up as Roni and I put our gear on, then getting directions to the dealer, we sped off.
As we were riding to the dealer, I kept looking at my watch, realizing that we weren't going to make it. About 6 PM (when the dealership closes) we were still about 40 blocks away and I told Roni we were too late. She says a quick prayer, "G-d, please let someone still be there, and let them have compassion on us." Well, we got there about 6:10 and pulled up outside the service entrance. I saw that there were still people there and figured they were getting ready for an open house the next day. I then asked the service manager if it would be possible to get my bike inspected real quick. I knew it would be quick because last year, it took all of 5 mins. This year they broke that record and did it in about 3 mins. OK, they really didn't "inspect" the bike. They basically pulled the old sticker off and put the new one on. Good enough for me, as least I was legal.
It was now about 6:20 PM and we headed home. Roni suggested we stop by the Cohen's (our Rabbi and his family) to show them that we had the bike. You should also know that when we first got the bike in Apr of 2002, the first place we rode to was the Cohen's. That time they were happy for us. This time they were ecstatic to see us on the bike again. That was a sign to them that my recovery was really moving along. They then invited us to stay for Shabbat dinner which we readily accepted. We had a great time and rode home afterwards happy and content.
So, I told you that, to tell you this. Because Sun was going to be beautiful, I wanted to go on a decent ride and I wanted Roni to come along. On Sunday, I got my haircut (first haircut since my surgery - whoo hoo) and cleaned some of the dust and grime off the bike. Then Roni and I went on our first ride since sometime last summer. It was my first real ride since all my medical problems began on Oct 8, 2003.
Also, since I had been feeling so good, I also decided to try going back to the gym. On Wed about 5:30 PM, I went to the gym for the first time since my surgery. I spent about 40 mins there and came back tired, but feeling like I accomplished something.
So this really was a week of firsts. Not a lot, but a couple of major ones. And for me, that's pretty darn good.
Friday, March 19, 2004
Sorry, No Update For Awhile
This was an email that Roni sent out on 3/19/2003. Due to technical difficulties, we are just now posting it on the web.
I know people have been wondering how Kevin is doing now that he's home from the hospital, and I'm sorry we haven't updated the blog.
Kevin is recovering, but the recovery has been slower, harder and more complicated than we anticipated. He bounced back so well from the surgery in Oct., that I think we both expected a somewhat slower version of that recovery from this bigger surgery. What both of us forgot to take into consideration was that in addition to recovering from a MAJOR surgery, he would also be recovering from the affects of a massive dose of very potent chemo.
The first week back Kevin had no appetite and no energy to eat. He was already underweight and couldn't afford to lose any more weight, but he was too lethargic to eat enough. So we visited the doctor to have them check his blood count. They found that he was still anemic from the chemo, even after the blood and shots he was given in the hospital. While still the Drs. office, he was given two Procrit-type shots for the anemia and they sent us home with cases of protein drinks to add to the stash I already had. Between the boost from the shots and taking a look at the nutrition numbers -- he was burning more calories each day than he was taking in -- he started downing enough protein drinks, peanut butter, etc. to begin getting back some energy. Last night, he even completed a series of physical therapy exercises, much to my relief. For awhile there, i was afraid he'd end up back in the hospital on intravenous nutrition.
Today I went with him to the doctor's office to have his sutures removed. We both expected it to be a slightly painful, but fairly short procedure. For reasons i won't bother to go into, it turned out to be a very painful long ordeal. Poor, poor kevin -- it was just awful. I got him home and pampered him as best I could. I pampered myself a bit while i was at it, I'd had a hard day emotionally.
While at the Drs. office, they took another blood test and were relieved that his platelet count, though still high, had come down significantly. It was only then I realized something had been up they hadn't told us. Turns out his platelet count had been "alarmingly" high, putting him at risk for blood clots. I still can't get over the fact that the doctors did not tell us at the time that they were alarmed -- though I know by now that they never do until after the fact. This is about the fifth time since October's ER visit that I have learned after the fact just how "at risk" Kevin has been. Maybe some people don't want to know, but I can't take one more, "I could have lost him last week and didn't even know it," type of experience. Today I looked the doctor in the eye (a very nice woman filling in for our oncologist, who is on vacation) and asked her, "Is there anything that you are alarmed about now, because if so, i want to know." She assured me that Kevin's blood counts, while still not in the normal range, were out of the "at risk" range and continuing to move in the right direction and that there was nothing else she was overly concerned about.
Even though removing the sutures was an ordeal, the doctor and nurse were wonderfully caring, patient and as gentle as they could be. They dressed the wound and asked us to come back tomorrow. The doctor just wants to check the sites where the stitches had been to make sure they don't show any signs of inflammation, then give him a clean dressing. They will also arrange to have a visiting nurse come on the weekend to change the dressing again and just make sure no infection is developing. They assured us this is just a precaution. They would hate for infection to occur over the weekend when the office is closed.
It's been hard coming down from the high of a better than expected prognosis to face a harder than expected recovery. Now we're working on readjusting our expectations so that we won't feel frustrated and disappointed about the phase we're in.
We just need to go back to the lesson of one day at a time we started learning in October, and look for the joy and victory that is there in each day. And we need to continue to ask for your prayers; that's hard for me, after having reported such a miraculous outcome. Those miracles happened, and the fact that kevin is still alive and has a favorable prognosis IS the result of answered prayers and series of miracles. But there's still a ways to go, and we still need your prayers for patience, strength and healing.
Thanks for reading. Sometimes we just feel like wining, and have to remind ourselves to be grateful. But when we remember all G-d has done, we ARE grateful and trust that He will continue to be near to us in what's left of this journey.
Thanks for listening and caring.
Love,
Roni
I know people have been wondering how Kevin is doing now that he's home from the hospital, and I'm sorry we haven't updated the blog.
Kevin is recovering, but the recovery has been slower, harder and more complicated than we anticipated. He bounced back so well from the surgery in Oct., that I think we both expected a somewhat slower version of that recovery from this bigger surgery. What both of us forgot to take into consideration was that in addition to recovering from a MAJOR surgery, he would also be recovering from the affects of a massive dose of very potent chemo.
The first week back Kevin had no appetite and no energy to eat. He was already underweight and couldn't afford to lose any more weight, but he was too lethargic to eat enough. So we visited the doctor to have them check his blood count. They found that he was still anemic from the chemo, even after the blood and shots he was given in the hospital. While still the Drs. office, he was given two Procrit-type shots for the anemia and they sent us home with cases of protein drinks to add to the stash I already had. Between the boost from the shots and taking a look at the nutrition numbers -- he was burning more calories each day than he was taking in -- he started downing enough protein drinks, peanut butter, etc. to begin getting back some energy. Last night, he even completed a series of physical therapy exercises, much to my relief. For awhile there, i was afraid he'd end up back in the hospital on intravenous nutrition.
Today I went with him to the doctor's office to have his sutures removed. We both expected it to be a slightly painful, but fairly short procedure. For reasons i won't bother to go into, it turned out to be a very painful long ordeal. Poor, poor kevin -- it was just awful. I got him home and pampered him as best I could. I pampered myself a bit while i was at it, I'd had a hard day emotionally.
While at the Drs. office, they took another blood test and were relieved that his platelet count, though still high, had come down significantly. It was only then I realized something had been up they hadn't told us. Turns out his platelet count had been "alarmingly" high, putting him at risk for blood clots. I still can't get over the fact that the doctors did not tell us at the time that they were alarmed -- though I know by now that they never do until after the fact. This is about the fifth time since October's ER visit that I have learned after the fact just how "at risk" Kevin has been. Maybe some people don't want to know, but I can't take one more, "I could have lost him last week and didn't even know it," type of experience. Today I looked the doctor in the eye (a very nice woman filling in for our oncologist, who is on vacation) and asked her, "Is there anything that you are alarmed about now, because if so, i want to know." She assured me that Kevin's blood counts, while still not in the normal range, were out of the "at risk" range and continuing to move in the right direction and that there was nothing else she was overly concerned about.
Even though removing the sutures was an ordeal, the doctor and nurse were wonderfully caring, patient and as gentle as they could be. They dressed the wound and asked us to come back tomorrow. The doctor just wants to check the sites where the stitches had been to make sure they don't show any signs of inflammation, then give him a clean dressing. They will also arrange to have a visiting nurse come on the weekend to change the dressing again and just make sure no infection is developing. They assured us this is just a precaution. They would hate for infection to occur over the weekend when the office is closed.
It's been hard coming down from the high of a better than expected prognosis to face a harder than expected recovery. Now we're working on readjusting our expectations so that we won't feel frustrated and disappointed about the phase we're in.
We just need to go back to the lesson of one day at a time we started learning in October, and look for the joy and victory that is there in each day. And we need to continue to ask for your prayers; that's hard for me, after having reported such a miraculous outcome. Those miracles happened, and the fact that kevin is still alive and has a favorable prognosis IS the result of answered prayers and series of miracles. But there's still a ways to go, and we still need your prayers for patience, strength and healing.
Thanks for reading. Sometimes we just feel like wining, and have to remind ourselves to be grateful. But when we remember all G-d has done, we ARE grateful and trust that He will continue to be near to us in what's left of this journey.
Thanks for listening and caring.
Love,
Roni
Friday, March 12, 2004
Report and musings from Roni
Kevin's energy level has been going down since release from the hospital. Realizing that this was the same thing that happened in the hospital when Kevin's blood counts dropped (due to chemo), we went to see our oncologist (Dr. Ratner) today.
A blood test did show anemia, so they gave him a couple of shots of a Procrit type drug and prescribed doubling Kevin's 2-3 bottles of Ensure per day. He's had no appetite, but they said not to worry about what he does, or doesn't, eat so long as he has the protein drinks, juice and Gatorade.
The nurse sent us home with as much ProSure, Vitacal and Resurgex as I could carry, and they've put aside a case of more protein drinks for us to pick up on Thurs., when Kev goes back to have his sutures removed. (I think they are thrilled to unload the stuff, and I'm trilled to take it!)
I just started a raw foods fast until Passover, so it looks like a cooking-free month! Woo hoo! Glad we went to the doctor's before I finished my grocery list. ;-)
Thanks for continued prayer. Please pray that the injections and energy/protein drinks will help Kevin get past this fatigue quickly. He's too tired for much of anything. He did walk two blocks yesterday, but that did him in for the rest of the day — too tired to even read the mail right away, keep up with email or talk about Harley trips we can take when he's better — believe me, for Kevin, that's tired!
Dr. Ratner is guessing mid-April for when Kev will be up to resuming chemo. My prayer is that he'll be recovered enough by Passover to really enjoy the two Seder nights (April 4 & 5) before beginning chemo again.
When I spoke with Deena (Dr. Ratner's office manager) yesterday to make the appointment, she asked, "How in the world did you get through things in DC?" Without even having to think, I responded, " By the grace of G-d and the prayers of many people."
Some people have told us that they've been inspired by strength we've shown though this, but in reality, I feel we've been carried so much more than we have fought.
Here's what I find inspiring: We all can find strength we didn't know we had, and when even that gives out, each one of us can be carried — all we need is to pray, ask others to pray for us, and learn to believe. That's how the Creator designed things to be.
"Surely our griefs He Himself bore,
And our sorrows He carried;
Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken,
Smitten of G-d, and afflicted.
But He was pierced through for our transgressions
He was crushed for our iniquities;
The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him,
All of us like sheep have gone astray,
Each of us has turned to his own way;
But the L-rd has caused the iniquity of us all
To fall on Him. — Isaiah 53: 4-6
The more I embrace the truth of just how very much I need Him — and those who carry me to Him with their prayers — the more I'm set us free from the illusion that I'm in control. I believe in being strong, proactive and enabled (I'm a new Yorker, after all). But being "enabled" is a far cry from being Omnipresent, Omniscient and Omnipotent. Dealing with Kevin's cancer is teaching me to discern the difference. I hope I truly get this lesson and never forget it.
A blood test did show anemia, so they gave him a couple of shots of a Procrit type drug and prescribed doubling Kevin's 2-3 bottles of Ensure per day. He's had no appetite, but they said not to worry about what he does, or doesn't, eat so long as he has the protein drinks, juice and Gatorade.
The nurse sent us home with as much ProSure, Vitacal and Resurgex as I could carry, and they've put aside a case of more protein drinks for us to pick up on Thurs., when Kev goes back to have his sutures removed. (I think they are thrilled to unload the stuff, and I'm trilled to take it!)
I just started a raw foods fast until Passover, so it looks like a cooking-free month! Woo hoo! Glad we went to the doctor's before I finished my grocery list. ;-)
Thanks for continued prayer. Please pray that the injections and energy/protein drinks will help Kevin get past this fatigue quickly. He's too tired for much of anything. He did walk two blocks yesterday, but that did him in for the rest of the day — too tired to even read the mail right away, keep up with email or talk about Harley trips we can take when he's better — believe me, for Kevin, that's tired!
Dr. Ratner is guessing mid-April for when Kev will be up to resuming chemo. My prayer is that he'll be recovered enough by Passover to really enjoy the two Seder nights (April 4 & 5) before beginning chemo again.
When I spoke with Deena (Dr. Ratner's office manager) yesterday to make the appointment, she asked, "How in the world did you get through things in DC?" Without even having to think, I responded, " By the grace of G-d and the prayers of many people."
Some people have told us that they've been inspired by strength we've shown though this, but in reality, I feel we've been carried so much more than we have fought.
Here's what I find inspiring: We all can find strength we didn't know we had, and when even that gives out, each one of us can be carried — all we need is to pray, ask others to pray for us, and learn to believe. That's how the Creator designed things to be.
"Surely our griefs He Himself bore,
And our sorrows He carried;
Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken,
Smitten of G-d, and afflicted.
But He was pierced through for our transgressions
He was crushed for our iniquities;
The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him,
All of us like sheep have gone astray,
Each of us has turned to his own way;
But the L-rd has caused the iniquity of us all
To fall on Him. — Isaiah 53: 4-6
The more I embrace the truth of just how very much I need Him — and those who carry me to Him with their prayers — the more I'm set us free from the illusion that I'm in control. I believe in being strong, proactive and enabled (I'm a new Yorker, after all). But being "enabled" is a far cry from being Omnipresent, Omniscient and Omnipotent. Dealing with Kevin's cancer is teaching me to discern the difference. I hope I truly get this lesson and never forget it.
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
DC Update 6 - "Oh L-rd my G-d, I cried to You for help, and You healed me." Ps. 30:2
There is so much testimony to G-d's sovereignty that occurred since mid-October when we heard those words "the pathology tests are positive for malignancy." We can't wait to share all the miracles and encouragements along a challenging, scary journey. But right now, we're trying desperately to catch up on sleep, so those stories will come later.
Kevin continues to heal well. All tubes are now out except one IV line for fluids and electrolytes, and I am happily listening to him snore as I write this. We expect to be home before the weekend is over.
We saw another doc last night -- hematologist/oncologist. In going over with us what Kevin came back from --especially the dangerously low white count, but also the surgery itself -- he said "I hope you believe in G-d." No one has come out and said "miracle;" but we've repeatedly heard words & phrases like "remarkable," "much better than expected," etc. We tell everyone that G-d has answered prayer.
To put the good news in perspective, back in December when I first spoke with Dr. Sugarbaker's office, they did not consider Kevin a good candidate for cure, as in addition to the mucinous growths on the peritoneum, he had signet ring carcinoma, which is very aggressive and more often than not, terminal. Dr. Sugarbaker decided to take Kevin's case more because of his young age --wanting to at least buy him time -- rather than because of high hopes for cure.
To go from that to this surgery's pathology report, which showed no sign of cancer, and being advised to finish the systemic chemo treatments "just to be on the safe side" is amazing.
I believe it was divine intervention that led us to question what we were being told by the oncologist at St. Luke's-Roosevelt hospital where Kevin had his emergency surgery in October. That oncologist had excellent credentials, but most likely never encountered this rare disease before. (We have since learned it is not covered in Med school, and most doctors either never see it in their careers, or don't recognize what it is if they do encounter it). He would would have treated Kevin with a normal colon cancer chemo. protocol. Kevin's stage 4 aggressive cancer had less than a 20% chance of responding to that. The mucinous growths (slower growing and not "cancerous" like the signet cell tumors were) are at best rendered dormant by chemo. only to flare up again to slowly smother abdominal organs one by one.
Until quite unusual circumstances (which we believe to be G-d's sovereign leading) led us to Dr. Ratner (our oncologist) and Dr. Sugarbaker (one of the few doctors worldwide who has the expertise to perform the electro and laser surgery necessary to remove the tumors), our plan was to go to Sloan Kettering (within walking distance of our new apartment!) for a second opinion. We have since from at least four others with same diagnosis as Kevin's (some less advanced) who went to Sloan Kettering. The news they received from the SK doctors was that they had months to live, and SK offered them no treatment for this rare disease.
It is clear to us that G-d is not yet done with Kevin's journey in this life. He certainly knows that I am not ready to face life without my friend, partner, comic, anchor, fellow-adventurer and love of my life.
Kevin and I have both grown through this experience, separately as well as together. I pray we never lose the gratitude and humility we feel as the recipients of so much love, prayer and support. There are no words to express the gift of so many prayers... We will never be able to give to others on the scale of what we have received, but we certainly desire to have the opportunity to do our part to impart faith, courage and the knowledge of a loving, compassionate, powerful and comforting G-d to others who find themselves in desperate circumstances.
Our faith goes far beyond this marvelous answer to prayer. It is what sustained us when we didn't know for certain how G-d would answer our cries for healing, only that He would impart grace, courage and peace to face whatever was in store. Of course there were tears, anger and fear, but underneath the emotional ups and downs, we knew on a bedrock level that He was sovereign and that whatever the outcome, it would not be the result G-d's indifference nor random fate nor evil "winning" out. We feared hard times. We feared pain beyond what we could imagine being able to endure. But to paraphrase Psalm 23, even though we walked through the valley of the shadow of death, we did not fear evil, for G-d was with us. He truly is a very present help in time of trouble.
With deep love and appreciation for all the friends and strangers who have loved in both word and deed when we needed you most,
Roni
Kevin continues to heal well. All tubes are now out except one IV line for fluids and electrolytes, and I am happily listening to him snore as I write this. We expect to be home before the weekend is over.
We saw another doc last night -- hematologist/oncologist. In going over with us what Kevin came back from --especially the dangerously low white count, but also the surgery itself -- he said "I hope you believe in G-d." No one has come out and said "miracle;" but we've repeatedly heard words & phrases like "remarkable," "much better than expected," etc. We tell everyone that G-d has answered prayer.
To put the good news in perspective, back in December when I first spoke with Dr. Sugarbaker's office, they did not consider Kevin a good candidate for cure, as in addition to the mucinous growths on the peritoneum, he had signet ring carcinoma, which is very aggressive and more often than not, terminal. Dr. Sugarbaker decided to take Kevin's case more because of his young age --wanting to at least buy him time -- rather than because of high hopes for cure.
To go from that to this surgery's pathology report, which showed no sign of cancer, and being advised to finish the systemic chemo treatments "just to be on the safe side" is amazing.
I believe it was divine intervention that led us to question what we were being told by the oncologist at St. Luke's-Roosevelt hospital where Kevin had his emergency surgery in October. That oncologist had excellent credentials, but most likely never encountered this rare disease before. (We have since learned it is not covered in Med school, and most doctors either never see it in their careers, or don't recognize what it is if they do encounter it). He would would have treated Kevin with a normal colon cancer chemo. protocol. Kevin's stage 4 aggressive cancer had less than a 20% chance of responding to that. The mucinous growths (slower growing and not "cancerous" like the signet cell tumors were) are at best rendered dormant by chemo. only to flare up again to slowly smother abdominal organs one by one.
Until quite unusual circumstances (which we believe to be G-d's sovereign leading) led us to Dr. Ratner (our oncologist) and Dr. Sugarbaker (one of the few doctors worldwide who has the expertise to perform the electro and laser surgery necessary to remove the tumors), our plan was to go to Sloan Kettering (within walking distance of our new apartment!) for a second opinion. We have since from at least four others with same diagnosis as Kevin's (some less advanced) who went to Sloan Kettering. The news they received from the SK doctors was that they had months to live, and SK offered them no treatment for this rare disease.
It is clear to us that G-d is not yet done with Kevin's journey in this life. He certainly knows that I am not ready to face life without my friend, partner, comic, anchor, fellow-adventurer and love of my life.
Kevin and I have both grown through this experience, separately as well as together. I pray we never lose the gratitude and humility we feel as the recipients of so much love, prayer and support. There are no words to express the gift of so many prayers... We will never be able to give to others on the scale of what we have received, but we certainly desire to have the opportunity to do our part to impart faith, courage and the knowledge of a loving, compassionate, powerful and comforting G-d to others who find themselves in desperate circumstances.
Our faith goes far beyond this marvelous answer to prayer. It is what sustained us when we didn't know for certain how G-d would answer our cries for healing, only that He would impart grace, courage and peace to face whatever was in store. Of course there were tears, anger and fear, but underneath the emotional ups and downs, we knew on a bedrock level that He was sovereign and that whatever the outcome, it would not be the result G-d's indifference nor random fate nor evil "winning" out. We feared hard times. We feared pain beyond what we could imagine being able to endure. But to paraphrase Psalm 23, even though we walked through the valley of the shadow of death, we did not fear evil, for G-d was with us. He truly is a very present help in time of trouble.
With deep love and appreciation for all the friends and strangers who have loved in both word and deed when we needed you most,
Roni
DC Update 5 - Pathology report contains best posible news!
Scare over, healing progressing and prognosis better than docs expected. Here is an email my (Roni's) dad sent to family and friends.
10:00 p.m., 3/1/04
Just got a phone call from Roni with fabulous news.
Kevin's white count is up to 9.0 and climbing. It was below 1 four days ago requiring everyone going into his room to scrub, mask, and glove. Lot's of stories to tell but on to the best news.
The pathology report was excellent. The lymph nodes taken during surgery had no cancer.
The tumors taken were all dead cancer cells. There was no carcinoma in any tissue taken. The diagnosis has been changed to "peritoneal adenomucinosis" [proliferation of the mucin].
Dr. Sugarbaker says that according to his statistics Kevin has a 60 to 80% chance of non-recurrence within the next 10 years. Blood tests will be taken every 3 months for cancer markers. CT scans will be at 6-month intervals at first. He will have some more chemo for any possible metastasis.
Ostomy reversal will be in 6 months. At that time they'll take a good look around to make sure everything is still OK. That is, of course, the best way to know exactly what's going on.
Kevin walked down the hall to visit Alice today [she had surgery the day after Kevin]. He's sitting up and eating. They celebrated the good news with Klondike bars! It may be that Kevin will be able to go home this weekend.
Thanks again to you for your prayers and to G_d who has showed great mercies on us all.
Love, Vern
10:00 p.m., 3/1/04
Just got a phone call from Roni with fabulous news.
Kevin's white count is up to 9.0 and climbing. It was below 1 four days ago requiring everyone going into his room to scrub, mask, and glove. Lot's of stories to tell but on to the best news.
The pathology report was excellent. The lymph nodes taken during surgery had no cancer.
The tumors taken were all dead cancer cells. There was no carcinoma in any tissue taken. The diagnosis has been changed to "peritoneal adenomucinosis" [proliferation of the mucin].
Dr. Sugarbaker says that according to his statistics Kevin has a 60 to 80% chance of non-recurrence within the next 10 years. Blood tests will be taken every 3 months for cancer markers. CT scans will be at 6-month intervals at first. He will have some more chemo for any possible metastasis.
Ostomy reversal will be in 6 months. At that time they'll take a good look around to make sure everything is still OK. That is, of course, the best way to know exactly what's going on.
Kevin walked down the hall to visit Alice today [she had surgery the day after Kevin]. He's sitting up and eating. They celebrated the good news with Klondike bars! It may be that Kevin will be able to go home this weekend.
Thanks again to you for your prayers and to G_d who has showed great mercies on us all.
Love, Vern
Saturday, February 28, 2004
DC Update 4 - NG tube out -- yeah! Low blood count -- pray!
Please continue to pray for Kevin.
All of his vitals, except blood counts, are good, and he seems to be healing well from the surgery. However, he is having two severe side affects from the chemo -- low blood counts, both red and white cells.
The anemia along with continued sleeplessness (for a variety of reasons) has him very fatigued.
His white count is dangerously low at .9 (Should be 4.0-6.0) This places him at great risk for infection. He is now in isolation, meaning he can't leave his room (just when he finally started walking!), and others cannot enter without wearing a mask. I don't have to wear a mask, because he is already exposed to my germs, but I do have to scrub my hands and wear gloves before touching him.
He is getting Procrit for the anemia and received 2 units of packed, red blood cells last night/this morning. Two days ago they began injections of a drug that will hopefully stimulate his bone marrow to begin producing white cells again. As a precaution, they are giving him antibiotics, and they removed his chest port, as that site as a tendancy to become infected.
Good news is that his digestive system is coming along. He got the NG tube out yesterday (9 days post-op) and is now enjoying a liquid diet. Mmmmmm. Pudding.
With this complication, Kevin continues to need 24/7 care. My parents are driving back up from N. Carolina to help me, so I can go back to the hotel and get some sleep. please pray for good health for all of us -- especially me as I have had very little sleep -- as any illness would bar us from Kevin's room. And for Kevin, please join me in praying for a miraculous restoration of bone marrow production and a white count increase ahead of the week or so that it normally takes the drug to take affect.
Thanks for continued support.
Love,
Roni
All of his vitals, except blood counts, are good, and he seems to be healing well from the surgery. However, he is having two severe side affects from the chemo -- low blood counts, both red and white cells.
The anemia along with continued sleeplessness (for a variety of reasons) has him very fatigued.
His white count is dangerously low at .9 (Should be 4.0-6.0) This places him at great risk for infection. He is now in isolation, meaning he can't leave his room (just when he finally started walking!), and others cannot enter without wearing a mask. I don't have to wear a mask, because he is already exposed to my germs, but I do have to scrub my hands and wear gloves before touching him.
He is getting Procrit for the anemia and received 2 units of packed, red blood cells last night/this morning. Two days ago they began injections of a drug that will hopefully stimulate his bone marrow to begin producing white cells again. As a precaution, they are giving him antibiotics, and they removed his chest port, as that site as a tendancy to become infected.
Good news is that his digestive system is coming along. He got the NG tube out yesterday (9 days post-op) and is now enjoying a liquid diet. Mmmmmm. Pudding.
With this complication, Kevin continues to need 24/7 care. My parents are driving back up from N. Carolina to help me, so I can go back to the hotel and get some sleep. please pray for good health for all of us -- especially me as I have had very little sleep -- as any illness would bar us from Kevin's room. And for Kevin, please join me in praying for a miraculous restoration of bone marrow production and a white count increase ahead of the week or so that it normally takes the drug to take affect.
Thanks for continued support.
Love,
Roni
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
DC Update 3 - Sleep last night!
Today is, Tuesday, 6-days post-op.
Last night my dad stayed in Kevin's room, and with a higher dose of Benedryl, no surgical stockings, a day of forced activity (breathing into a spirmometer (?)), Kevin slept much better. I went to the hotel and slept in a bed!, so I ffel better, too.
Thanks, Dad!
It's nearly 10:30 a.m. Kevin is visiting with his parents, wishing he could just sleep and deciding whether to get up now or this evening. The doctors said they may take his chest tube out today. He may also get his NG tube out in the next 3 to 4 days. That is what is currently making him the most miserable. His meds give him a really dry throat, and the tube makes it hurt worse, but as long as the NG tube is in, he can't even swallow water, just suck on ice chips.
I really think the worst is behind us, and that he will start gaining strength each day.
I will try to find time in the next day or two to write some of the neat things that have happened.
As always, much, much gratitude for all the prayers and well-wishes.
Roni
Last night my dad stayed in Kevin's room, and with a higher dose of Benedryl, no surgical stockings, a day of forced activity (breathing into a spirmometer (?)), Kevin slept much better. I went to the hotel and slept in a bed!, so I ffel better, too.
Thanks, Dad!
It's nearly 10:30 a.m. Kevin is visiting with his parents, wishing he could just sleep and deciding whether to get up now or this evening. The doctors said they may take his chest tube out today. He may also get his NG tube out in the next 3 to 4 days. That is what is currently making him the most miserable. His meds give him a really dry throat, and the tube makes it hurt worse, but as long as the NG tube is in, he can't even swallow water, just suck on ice chips.
I really think the worst is behind us, and that he will start gaining strength each day.
I will try to find time in the next day or two to write some of the neat things that have happened.
As always, much, much gratitude for all the prayers and well-wishes.
Roni
Monday, February 23, 2004
DC Update 2 - Hard Day's Night
Two hard nights in a row have led to hard days.
But, the good news is that vital signs are still good, and the chest tube, which drain fluid from around the lung, may come out tomorrow. One tube down, lots to go!
Most of our "some less than stellar nursing care" led to Kevin being unnecessarily uncomfortable the last two nights, and with the anesthesia wearing off, he's feeling the discomfort. Also, the pain medication along with sheer exhaustion has resulted in some confusion and disorientation--for Kevin, too! ;-)
Kevin needs 24/7 care, and I've been "sleeping" on a cot in his room. I sleep lightly, and awaken when he stirs. Last night in the darkened room I looked up with my glasses off to see him scratching his nose, I thought. Next thing I know, he's looking in the tangle of sheets and tubes for his NG tube (tube that goes from his nostril into his stomach to suction fluids out). He hadn't been scratching his nose after all, but pulling his NG tube out. It feels awful in, but even worse getting PUT in, and he had to endure the nurse replacing it. From then on, a dim light stayed on and I wore my glasses in bed.
In spite of all this, he managed to sit up for one hour this morning as well as increase the level of his breathing exercise. He even managed humor. Those who know Kevin know that he is the master of the one-liner. Now he's found ways to "say" his witticisms with gestures, as talking hurts his throat and takes too much energy!
Please pray for good sleep for Kevin at night and increased activity during the day. These are what he needs most now to speed his recovery.
Thanks for the emails conveying support and concern. We are grateful.
Love,
Roni
But, the good news is that vital signs are still good, and the chest tube, which drain fluid from around the lung, may come out tomorrow. One tube down, lots to go!
Most of our "some less than stellar nursing care" led to Kevin being unnecessarily uncomfortable the last two nights, and with the anesthesia wearing off, he's feeling the discomfort. Also, the pain medication along with sheer exhaustion has resulted in some confusion and disorientation--for Kevin, too! ;-)
Kevin needs 24/7 care, and I've been "sleeping" on a cot in his room. I sleep lightly, and awaken when he stirs. Last night in the darkened room I looked up with my glasses off to see him scratching his nose, I thought. Next thing I know, he's looking in the tangle of sheets and tubes for his NG tube (tube that goes from his nostril into his stomach to suction fluids out). He hadn't been scratching his nose after all, but pulling his NG tube out. It feels awful in, but even worse getting PUT in, and he had to endure the nurse replacing it. From then on, a dim light stayed on and I wore my glasses in bed.
In spite of all this, he managed to sit up for one hour this morning as well as increase the level of his breathing exercise. He even managed humor. Those who know Kevin know that he is the master of the one-liner. Now he's found ways to "say" his witticisms with gestures, as talking hurts his throat and takes too much energy!
Please pray for good sleep for Kevin at night and increased activity during the day. These are what he needs most now to speed his recovery.
Thanks for the emails conveying support and concern. We are grateful.
Love,
Roni
Friday, February 20, 2004
DC Update 1 - Prayers answered and then some!
G-d has been with us and done even more than we asked or thought. We are so happy and grateful.
So sorry to keep you in suspense. The internet connection for computer in the lounge at the hospital's hotel was not working, and I couldn't figure out how to connect the laptop via modem -- Kev is my technical advisor in these things.
All prayers were answered and then some. Here's the important "how's he doing?" stuff. Will write later about some neat ways G-d was very real and near.
1. They performed a 100% cytoreduction -- translation, they got all visible tumors and growths!!!! When I said to Dr. S. "So, that means his 5-year survival rate is now up to 50%, right?" He said, "I would say for Kevin right now, it is at least 60%."
2. They were able to leave Kevin's bowel intact, and the surgeon (Dr. S.) says the ileostomy will be reversed in 3 to 6 months, barring any return of the tumors that would make it necessary to take more of the intestinal track -- chances of that happening prior to time of reversal are slim to none.
3. The surgery lasted only 10 hours, instead of the 12 they projected, though with the first and only update -- at about 10:30 a.m. they said that the surgery would take an extra 3 hours, so when they called me in my hotel room at 6:00 p.m., I thought there were 5 hours to go. They said Dr.S. was coming out to talk to the family and I thought something must have gone horribly wrong, though in my heart I didn't believe that. (There's more to this story. It's a comedy of errors that sounds like a far-fetched sitcom. I'll write about it later). I was however relieved when I learned that someone had given me wrong info. about the surgery being expected to take longer and that they were done and Kev was doing better than they had hoped. Alice's mom (Alice is the young woman from Hoboken whose surgery was the day after Kev's) said she saw Dr. S's office manager/wife Ilsa the day after Kev's surgery and Ilsa told her the surgical staff was still glowing & bubbling from how well Kevin's surgery had gone!
4. The kidneys and bladder had lots of tumors on the surface, which had become hardened. The entire abdominal wall was lined with nodules, too thought they were softer. Dr. S. felt that the 2 cycles of chemo Kev had done previous to the surgery had softened up most of the nodules throughout the cavity making removing them easier. The ones on the bowel were still hard pretty hard though and very difficult to remove without removing bowel with them. (That would have meant a permanent ostomy, and Dr. S. told Kev prior to the surgery that he hates to give permanent ostomies. He told me after the surgery that they used special tiny scissors to snip as much as they could, then they would stir the chemo in wash in the abdomen to soften things up, then snip some more, then stir, snip, stir, snip, stir... until they finally were able to get the tumors off and save the bowel. We LOVE this man!!
5. Kevin is not having the five days of wash that normally follows this procedure because Dr. S. felt that Kev's innards could not handle anymore toxicity as: a) vital organs (kidneys & bladder) had been pretty scraped up, b) there were internal holes left from where they removed the mesh used to repair his hernia 5 years ago (they will close on their own before we leave), and c) because the chemo wash they used the surgery was with a drug much more potent than they usually use. (We elected to use it as part of a study at the recommendation of both Dr. S. and our oncologist, Dr. Ratner.) Though we won't know for certain until we get the pathology report in about a week and a half, Dr. S. feels so confident that all the cancer was contained in the cavity and taken care of during the surgery, he thinks Kev might not even need to complete his systemic chemo course when we get home! If that turns out to be the case, then that is certainly above what we asked G-d for in prayer.
6. The area around the spleen was clean, so the spleen was left. Gall bladder and lots of other non-essentials -- yes, of course the bellybutton! -- were removed.
Kevin spent only one night in ICU and is now in a private room with a cot for me to sleep on. He's feeling good, in very little pain, and cracking jokes. The NG tube is a discomfort, but not nearly as bad as when in St. Lukes-Roosevelt. The nurse told us that Dr. S. had the manufacturers design one for his patients that is smaller in diameter, softer and more flexible. He did not sleep well last night due to itching. (They had a rough pad under him; we got them to put a sheet on top and that solved that problem), and being tired was his biggest complaint today.
Dr. S. said that we should try to keep Kevin up during the day so he could sleep at night and get back on a more normal schedule, which helps healing. So, we all (Kev's parents and mine are here) took turns annoying him by talking loudly, asking him questions and making him do his exercises. He was actually a great sport about doing them, knowing the more active he is, the sooner he's likely to get out of here. The exercises consist of using a breathing tube 10 reps an hour, bending his legs at the knees and straightening them for 10 reps every 2 hours and clenching his fists and doing weightless bicep curls.
Dr. S. also said he needed to "dangle" today (put his legs over side of the bed and sit upright on edge of bed). Kevin managed a "3/4 dangle"; he could not sit upright all the way because of the pull on the stitches. Tomorrow they will get him up and make him walk a little. He and Alice (the 26-year-old whose surgery was day after his) have a bet over which of them will make it down the hall first. Kevin decided it was time for his dangle when he heard that Alice was bugging the nurses in ICU today to let her get out of bed!
We haven't read all our emails yet; I just started reading them to Kevin when he decided 8:30 was time for sleep. I will read them to him tomorrow, and we'll respond as we find time.
Thank you for all the support and prayer; we know we owe this wonderful outcome to G-d's loving kindness. We, and many of you, cried to Him, and He delivered us from all our fears. Baruch HaShem
So sorry to keep you in suspense. The internet connection for computer in the lounge at the hospital's hotel was not working, and I couldn't figure out how to connect the laptop via modem -- Kev is my technical advisor in these things.
All prayers were answered and then some. Here's the important "how's he doing?" stuff. Will write later about some neat ways G-d was very real and near.
1. They performed a 100% cytoreduction -- translation, they got all visible tumors and growths!!!! When I said to Dr. S. "So, that means his 5-year survival rate is now up to 50%, right?" He said, "I would say for Kevin right now, it is at least 60%."
2. They were able to leave Kevin's bowel intact, and the surgeon (Dr. S.) says the ileostomy will be reversed in 3 to 6 months, barring any return of the tumors that would make it necessary to take more of the intestinal track -- chances of that happening prior to time of reversal are slim to none.
3. The surgery lasted only 10 hours, instead of the 12 they projected, though with the first and only update -- at about 10:30 a.m. they said that the surgery would take an extra 3 hours, so when they called me in my hotel room at 6:00 p.m., I thought there were 5 hours to go. They said Dr.S. was coming out to talk to the family and I thought something must have gone horribly wrong, though in my heart I didn't believe that. (There's more to this story. It's a comedy of errors that sounds like a far-fetched sitcom. I'll write about it later). I was however relieved when I learned that someone had given me wrong info. about the surgery being expected to take longer and that they were done and Kev was doing better than they had hoped. Alice's mom (Alice is the young woman from Hoboken whose surgery was the day after Kev's) said she saw Dr. S's office manager/wife Ilsa the day after Kev's surgery and Ilsa told her the surgical staff was still glowing & bubbling from how well Kevin's surgery had gone!
4. The kidneys and bladder had lots of tumors on the surface, which had become hardened. The entire abdominal wall was lined with nodules, too thought they were softer. Dr. S. felt that the 2 cycles of chemo Kev had done previous to the surgery had softened up most of the nodules throughout the cavity making removing them easier. The ones on the bowel were still hard pretty hard though and very difficult to remove without removing bowel with them. (That would have meant a permanent ostomy, and Dr. S. told Kev prior to the surgery that he hates to give permanent ostomies. He told me after the surgery that they used special tiny scissors to snip as much as they could, then they would stir the chemo in wash in the abdomen to soften things up, then snip some more, then stir, snip, stir, snip, stir... until they finally were able to get the tumors off and save the bowel. We LOVE this man!!
5. Kevin is not having the five days of wash that normally follows this procedure because Dr. S. felt that Kev's innards could not handle anymore toxicity as: a) vital organs (kidneys & bladder) had been pretty scraped up, b) there were internal holes left from where they removed the mesh used to repair his hernia 5 years ago (they will close on their own before we leave), and c) because the chemo wash they used the surgery was with a drug much more potent than they usually use. (We elected to use it as part of a study at the recommendation of both Dr. S. and our oncologist, Dr. Ratner.) Though we won't know for certain until we get the pathology report in about a week and a half, Dr. S. feels so confident that all the cancer was contained in the cavity and taken care of during the surgery, he thinks Kev might not even need to complete his systemic chemo course when we get home! If that turns out to be the case, then that is certainly above what we asked G-d for in prayer.
6. The area around the spleen was clean, so the spleen was left. Gall bladder and lots of other non-essentials -- yes, of course the bellybutton! -- were removed.
Kevin spent only one night in ICU and is now in a private room with a cot for me to sleep on. He's feeling good, in very little pain, and cracking jokes. The NG tube is a discomfort, but not nearly as bad as when in St. Lukes-Roosevelt. The nurse told us that Dr. S. had the manufacturers design one for his patients that is smaller in diameter, softer and more flexible. He did not sleep well last night due to itching. (They had a rough pad under him; we got them to put a sheet on top and that solved that problem), and being tired was his biggest complaint today.
Dr. S. said that we should try to keep Kevin up during the day so he could sleep at night and get back on a more normal schedule, which helps healing. So, we all (Kev's parents and mine are here) took turns annoying him by talking loudly, asking him questions and making him do his exercises. He was actually a great sport about doing them, knowing the more active he is, the sooner he's likely to get out of here. The exercises consist of using a breathing tube 10 reps an hour, bending his legs at the knees and straightening them for 10 reps every 2 hours and clenching his fists and doing weightless bicep curls.
Dr. S. also said he needed to "dangle" today (put his legs over side of the bed and sit upright on edge of bed). Kevin managed a "3/4 dangle"; he could not sit upright all the way because of the pull on the stitches. Tomorrow they will get him up and make him walk a little. He and Alice (the 26-year-old whose surgery was day after his) have a bet over which of them will make it down the hall first. Kevin decided it was time for his dangle when he heard that Alice was bugging the nurses in ICU today to let her get out of bed!
We haven't read all our emails yet; I just started reading them to Kevin when he decided 8:30 was time for sleep. I will read them to him tomorrow, and we'll respond as we find time.
Thank you for all the support and prayer; we know we owe this wonderful outcome to G-d's loving kindness. We, and many of you, cried to Him, and He delivered us from all our fears. Baruch HaShem
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
Last update before Washington
It is 6:30 AM and we are getting ready for our trip to Washington DC
Today will be a busy day once we arrive at the Washington Cancer Institute. I have to have a CT scan and pre-admission testing. And drink a lot of stuff to clean out my bowels before the surgery tomorrow morning. What fun. :-|
Roni and I had an early Anniversary dinner last night. Our real anniversary will be on Feb 22, 4 days after my surgery. So we decided to celebrate by splurging on a fantastic meal. The last one I will be able to have for a couple of weeks. We went to a very expensive and nice restaurant. We had delicious food, great service and a very relaxing, fun time. Can't wait to do it again.
Roni and I are both fairly calm and I am ready to get this over and done with. But for now, we have to finish getting ready as our ride will be here to pick us up at 7 AM.
Today will be a busy day once we arrive at the Washington Cancer Institute. I have to have a CT scan and pre-admission testing. And drink a lot of stuff to clean out my bowels before the surgery tomorrow morning. What fun. :-|
Roni and I had an early Anniversary dinner last night. Our real anniversary will be on Feb 22, 4 days after my surgery. So we decided to celebrate by splurging on a fantastic meal. The last one I will be able to have for a couple of weeks. We went to a very expensive and nice restaurant. We had delicious food, great service and a very relaxing, fun time. Can't wait to do it again.
Roni and I are both fairly calm and I am ready to get this over and done with. But for now, we have to finish getting ready as our ride will be here to pick us up at 7 AM.
Monday, February 09, 2004
Personal History of Kevin Kersey
For those who don’t know much about me, here is a short history of my life.
I was born on June 24th, 1959 in San Pedro, California. I was born in an Army hospital (as my father is retired Navy, we had access to military hospitals and installations) at Fort MacArthur. If I am correct that army base has been closed. I don’t remember much of San Pedro as I was very young when we moved from there to Paso Robles, CA.
The only thing I remember about Paso Robles is Kindergarten and I don’t remember much of that. There is only one memory that stands out during that time and I don’t know how much is real or just imagined. I remember riding my tricycle and seeing people crying. They were crying because someone had died. The only thing I can think of is they were crying because of the death of John F. Kennedy. As I said, I don’t know how much of that is real or just in my imagination.
After kindergarten, we moved to Port Hueneme in Southern California. It was there that we lived in a small house on the corner of the block. When we moved there, there was a small palm tree that was shorter than my older sister, who was probably about 8 years old or so. I don’t remember when it happened, but when we moved from that house a few years later, that tree was taller than our house. I believe we lived in that house about 5 years or so and moved from there to Ventura, CA.
In Ventura, we lived in, what I thought, was luxury. A beautiful big house with 4 bedrooms, two stories, a fireplace, a two-car garage and even built-in sprinklers in the front lawn. I also remember that we lived next to an orange orchard where we spent a lot of time playing, and keeping out of the framer’s sight.
I had a friend, John Machamer that lived on the other side of the orchard. We spent all our spare time together, either playing basketball, fishing at the pier, or trying to stay out of trouble. I haven’t seen or heard from Jobn in decades. I wonder what ever happened to him.
When I was about 13, my family moved to Australia. My father was there during WWII while he was in the Navy. He loved it and always wanted to return to live, if only for awhile. The chance finally arrived, so we sold everything we had, packed the rest into 15 suitcases and went. The trip there was quite an adventure as we tried to get there flying “space-a” from Travis AFB to Australia. For those who don’t know “Space-a” is a military term. If you are active duty, or retired, you can fly on military transport if there is “space available”. Well, after a couple of weeks, the only destination we could get was to Hawaii, where we heard rumors that people were getting to Australia from there. Getting to Hawaii was easy, but when we got there, it turned out that no one was getting to Australia. So we went to plan B where we got a space-a flight to Clark AFB in the Philippines. From Clark AFB, we traveled to Manila where we caught a commercial flight to Australia. The trip from the USA to Australia was long but for us kids, it was quite an adventure. Apart form traveling to Hawaii and the Philippines, I remember that we also went to Guam, where the humidity was horrible, even early in the morning.
In Australia, we first lived in a small town in North Queensland called Charters Towers. Charters Towers had two claims to fame. 1) it used to be the second largest city in Qld. When it was a gold-mining town (it is no longer the second largerst) and 2) it is the educational center of North Qld. Besides the public or state High School, it had 6 private high schools, or what they called “colleges”.
In Charters Towers our living conditions were VERY different than they were in California. The house we lived in was built for one person. There was no running hot water. No air conditioning or heating. Actually, there was no insulation. We usually kept all of the windows open during the summer, which allowed all of the bugs to visit us. But somehow we got used to it. My mom did insist on getting an air conditioner that was portable so she could move it from room to room.
One thing I forgot to mention is that we lived in the tropics, ergo the heat and humidity. We also had a lot of flies, beetles, frogs and other assorted insects that thrive in the tropics. And mosquitoes. I can't forget them. We even slept under mosquito nets at night. We also only got mail a couple of times a week. Our phone number consisted of three digits. We got two television channels, and those went off the air about 10 or 11 PM. And this was all in 1973. Regardless of all the hardships we had to deal with, it was quite an adventure and I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything.
We lived in Charters Towers for about 3 years and then moved to Margate on the Redcliffe peninsula, just north of Brisbane. Our house was just about half a block from the beach. Margate was also bigger and closer to the big city. (In Charters Towers, we lived 90 miles from the nearest big city of Townsville.)
I enjoyed living in Margate much more than Charters Towers. We made some great friends and had some great adventures. I remember a lot of good times with my friend Adrian. We would skip school, get some meat pies and cokes and just hang out on the beach. Sure, it wasn’t great for my grades, but I found out that my high school grades didn’t end up on my “permanent record”.
After graduating from Clontarf Beach State High School (yes I did graduate), I spent the next few years trying to decide what to do with my life. I tried going to college in the states, but after a year and half ended up back in Australia. But after not being to get work, I went back to the states. Back to college, Dropped out. Lived with my parents. Went back to school and eventually joined the US Air Force.
I enlisted in April of 1982 and it was the best thing I could’ve done with my life. Up till then, I had no direction or purpose and the AF gave me some stability. After basic training in Lackland AFB in San Antonio, TX, I spent the next 6 months in training at Lowry AFB near Denver, CO and Plattsburgh AFB, in Plattlsburgh, NY. I went to my first permanent base on Dec 7th, 1982. That was RAF Lakenheath in the UK.
I spent 3 and half years overseas working on the F-111f. A medium range bomber that saw action in Vietnam to the first Gulf War. It was a lot of hard work, and I’ll admit I didn’t enjoy it all. But I did get the opportunity to travel. The AF sent me to Italy, Germany (twice) and Turkey. I was also able to visit Israel twice (a month each time). I am proud of my service to my country and have a great respect for all who served faithfully with honor. And as a side note, when you see a man or woman in uniform, or a veteran, don’t forget to shake their hand and say “Thank you”. They deserve it.
After the AF, I moved to Portland, OR to go back to school. I attended Portland State University and acquired a BA in International Studies in the Middle East (I also received an Associates in Applied Science from the Community College of the Air Force before my discharge). It took me three years to complete my degree and I graduated in June of 1989.
In Sept of 1989, I moved to Philadelphia, PA. It was there, at a Messianic Synagogue that my wife and I started dating. We dated for a year before becoming engaged. We were married 6 months later on Feb 22, 1992. We lived in Philly for another 7 years before moving to Manhattan, NY. A move we never regretted. We love this city.
Since we have been married, we have had a lot of ups and downs. Apart from learning to live with each other (and being two very different people, that was no easy task), we have also dealt with surgeries, moving, depression, excitement, traveling (Morocco, San Francisco, Arizona, Southern California, Curacao, Canada, Tennessee), infertility and now cancer. It has not always been easy, and I will be the first to admit that I am not an easy person to live with, but I am very fortunate to have found a great wife who has stuck with me through many hard times, and enjoys traveling and adventure and our Harley!
And that brings us up to today.
I was born on June 24th, 1959 in San Pedro, California. I was born in an Army hospital (as my father is retired Navy, we had access to military hospitals and installations) at Fort MacArthur. If I am correct that army base has been closed. I don’t remember much of San Pedro as I was very young when we moved from there to Paso Robles, CA.
The only thing I remember about Paso Robles is Kindergarten and I don’t remember much of that. There is only one memory that stands out during that time and I don’t know how much is real or just imagined. I remember riding my tricycle and seeing people crying. They were crying because someone had died. The only thing I can think of is they were crying because of the death of John F. Kennedy. As I said, I don’t know how much of that is real or just in my imagination.
After kindergarten, we moved to Port Hueneme in Southern California. It was there that we lived in a small house on the corner of the block. When we moved there, there was a small palm tree that was shorter than my older sister, who was probably about 8 years old or so. I don’t remember when it happened, but when we moved from that house a few years later, that tree was taller than our house. I believe we lived in that house about 5 years or so and moved from there to Ventura, CA.
In Ventura, we lived in, what I thought, was luxury. A beautiful big house with 4 bedrooms, two stories, a fireplace, a two-car garage and even built-in sprinklers in the front lawn. I also remember that we lived next to an orange orchard where we spent a lot of time playing, and keeping out of the framer’s sight.
I had a friend, John Machamer that lived on the other side of the orchard. We spent all our spare time together, either playing basketball, fishing at the pier, or trying to stay out of trouble. I haven’t seen or heard from Jobn in decades. I wonder what ever happened to him.
When I was about 13, my family moved to Australia. My father was there during WWII while he was in the Navy. He loved it and always wanted to return to live, if only for awhile. The chance finally arrived, so we sold everything we had, packed the rest into 15 suitcases and went. The trip there was quite an adventure as we tried to get there flying “space-a” from Travis AFB to Australia. For those who don’t know “Space-a” is a military term. If you are active duty, or retired, you can fly on military transport if there is “space available”. Well, after a couple of weeks, the only destination we could get was to Hawaii, where we heard rumors that people were getting to Australia from there. Getting to Hawaii was easy, but when we got there, it turned out that no one was getting to Australia. So we went to plan B where we got a space-a flight to Clark AFB in the Philippines. From Clark AFB, we traveled to Manila where we caught a commercial flight to Australia. The trip from the USA to Australia was long but for us kids, it was quite an adventure. Apart form traveling to Hawaii and the Philippines, I remember that we also went to Guam, where the humidity was horrible, even early in the morning.
In Australia, we first lived in a small town in North Queensland called Charters Towers. Charters Towers had two claims to fame. 1) it used to be the second largest city in Qld. When it was a gold-mining town (it is no longer the second largerst) and 2) it is the educational center of North Qld. Besides the public or state High School, it had 6 private high schools, or what they called “colleges”.
In Charters Towers our living conditions were VERY different than they were in California. The house we lived in was built for one person. There was no running hot water. No air conditioning or heating. Actually, there was no insulation. We usually kept all of the windows open during the summer, which allowed all of the bugs to visit us. But somehow we got used to it. My mom did insist on getting an air conditioner that was portable so she could move it from room to room.
One thing I forgot to mention is that we lived in the tropics, ergo the heat and humidity. We also had a lot of flies, beetles, frogs and other assorted insects that thrive in the tropics. And mosquitoes. I can't forget them. We even slept under mosquito nets at night. We also only got mail a couple of times a week. Our phone number consisted of three digits. We got two television channels, and those went off the air about 10 or 11 PM. And this was all in 1973. Regardless of all the hardships we had to deal with, it was quite an adventure and I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything.
We lived in Charters Towers for about 3 years and then moved to Margate on the Redcliffe peninsula, just north of Brisbane. Our house was just about half a block from the beach. Margate was also bigger and closer to the big city. (In Charters Towers, we lived 90 miles from the nearest big city of Townsville.)
I enjoyed living in Margate much more than Charters Towers. We made some great friends and had some great adventures. I remember a lot of good times with my friend Adrian. We would skip school, get some meat pies and cokes and just hang out on the beach. Sure, it wasn’t great for my grades, but I found out that my high school grades didn’t end up on my “permanent record”.
After graduating from Clontarf Beach State High School (yes I did graduate), I spent the next few years trying to decide what to do with my life. I tried going to college in the states, but after a year and half ended up back in Australia. But after not being to get work, I went back to the states. Back to college, Dropped out. Lived with my parents. Went back to school and eventually joined the US Air Force.
I enlisted in April of 1982 and it was the best thing I could’ve done with my life. Up till then, I had no direction or purpose and the AF gave me some stability. After basic training in Lackland AFB in San Antonio, TX, I spent the next 6 months in training at Lowry AFB near Denver, CO and Plattsburgh AFB, in Plattlsburgh, NY. I went to my first permanent base on Dec 7th, 1982. That was RAF Lakenheath in the UK.
I spent 3 and half years overseas working on the F-111f. A medium range bomber that saw action in Vietnam to the first Gulf War. It was a lot of hard work, and I’ll admit I didn’t enjoy it all. But I did get the opportunity to travel. The AF sent me to Italy, Germany (twice) and Turkey. I was also able to visit Israel twice (a month each time). I am proud of my service to my country and have a great respect for all who served faithfully with honor. And as a side note, when you see a man or woman in uniform, or a veteran, don’t forget to shake their hand and say “Thank you”. They deserve it.
After the AF, I moved to Portland, OR to go back to school. I attended Portland State University and acquired a BA in International Studies in the Middle East (I also received an Associates in Applied Science from the Community College of the Air Force before my discharge). It took me three years to complete my degree and I graduated in June of 1989.
In Sept of 1989, I moved to Philadelphia, PA. It was there, at a Messianic Synagogue that my wife and I started dating. We dated for a year before becoming engaged. We were married 6 months later on Feb 22, 1992. We lived in Philly for another 7 years before moving to Manhattan, NY. A move we never regretted. We love this city.
Since we have been married, we have had a lot of ups and downs. Apart from learning to live with each other (and being two very different people, that was no easy task), we have also dealt with surgeries, moving, depression, excitement, traveling (Morocco, San Francisco, Arizona, Southern California, Curacao, Canada, Tennessee), infertility and now cancer. It has not always been easy, and I will be the first to admit that I am not an easy person to live with, but I am very fortunate to have found a great wife who has stuck with me through many hard times, and enjoys traveling and adventure and our Harley!
And that brings us up to today.
Hate and Anger
In dealing with cancer, or any life threatening situation for that matter, one must confront different emotion. Hate and anger are two of them.
I just started reading a book by Dr. Bernie Siegel called “Peace, Love and Healing”. The first few pages talk about how your mind and body can work together to heal. He also talks about confronting your emotions, even hate and anger.
Hate
There are things I hate. I hate cancer. I hate having an ileostomy. I hate chemo. Hate, hate, hate. Is it wrong to hate? Is it wrong to hate these things? I don’t think so. I think it is very natural to hate certain things. Things that make life hard. Things that can cause you to die. No, it isn’t wrong to hate these things. What is wrong is to accept them and give into them. If you hate them, then you might be willing to fight against them and change them.
Hate is perfectly normal. Suppressing our hatred is not normal and can lead to pent up feelings. So I want to get it out in the open. There are things I hate. Things I abhor. Things I despise. As for right now though, the main thing I hate is cancer. This does not mean that the effects of this disease are bad. On the contrary, it has helped me look at myself in a different light. It has made me look death in the face and come to terms with my own mortality. It has made me more sympathetic to others and their sufferings. Cancer has made me want to make sure that every day, I hug my wife and tell her I love her.
I don’t hate cancer for what I have become, but I hate it for what it has done to my body. I hate it for interrupting my life. I hate it for scaring my wife (and me) into depression. I hate it so much, that I want to fight and get rid of it. I hate it so much, that I want to live just to spite it and show that it doesn’t have power over me. It might have the ability to take my life, but it doesn’t have the ability to keep me from living.
Anger
Along with hate comes anger. They might be bedfellows, but they are not the same. There are times that I both hate and am angry at the same thing. There are times when I am angry at something, but I don’t hate it. Relationships are like that. My wife can make me angry, but I don’t hate her. As a matter of fact our love for each other keeps us together, even when we make each other angry. The important thing is not to stay angry.
I’m also angry at G-d. There, I said it. Or I should say, I was angry at G-d for allowing me to have cancer. I was angry that G-d allowed my life to be disrupted by this disease. This doesn’t mean that I hate G-d. On the contrary, I love G-d. I love the fact that G-d has been with us during this time and guided our blind steps. I am thankful that G-d has been with me in healing from my first surgery and I pray will be with me in healing from the upcoming surgery. But I still don’t like the fact that G-d allowed this to happen.
Of course with a situation like I am in, there are myriad of emotions and sometimes they conflict with others. At times I am angry at G-d and others, so thankful for His lovingkindness and His presence in our lives. There are times that I feel hatred for the cancer, but joy at being alive and having one more day.
I guess life is like that. Filled with pain and joy. Filled with anger and laughter. Filled with hatred and love. I’m just thankful I have one more day to experience it all.
I just started reading a book by Dr. Bernie Siegel called “Peace, Love and Healing”. The first few pages talk about how your mind and body can work together to heal. He also talks about confronting your emotions, even hate and anger.
Hate
There are things I hate. I hate cancer. I hate having an ileostomy. I hate chemo. Hate, hate, hate. Is it wrong to hate? Is it wrong to hate these things? I don’t think so. I think it is very natural to hate certain things. Things that make life hard. Things that can cause you to die. No, it isn’t wrong to hate these things. What is wrong is to accept them and give into them. If you hate them, then you might be willing to fight against them and change them.
Hate is perfectly normal. Suppressing our hatred is not normal and can lead to pent up feelings. So I want to get it out in the open. There are things I hate. Things I abhor. Things I despise. As for right now though, the main thing I hate is cancer. This does not mean that the effects of this disease are bad. On the contrary, it has helped me look at myself in a different light. It has made me look death in the face and come to terms with my own mortality. It has made me more sympathetic to others and their sufferings. Cancer has made me want to make sure that every day, I hug my wife and tell her I love her.
I don’t hate cancer for what I have become, but I hate it for what it has done to my body. I hate it for interrupting my life. I hate it for scaring my wife (and me) into depression. I hate it so much, that I want to fight and get rid of it. I hate it so much, that I want to live just to spite it and show that it doesn’t have power over me. It might have the ability to take my life, but it doesn’t have the ability to keep me from living.
Anger
Along with hate comes anger. They might be bedfellows, but they are not the same. There are times that I both hate and am angry at the same thing. There are times when I am angry at something, but I don’t hate it. Relationships are like that. My wife can make me angry, but I don’t hate her. As a matter of fact our love for each other keeps us together, even when we make each other angry. The important thing is not to stay angry.
I’m also angry at G-d. There, I said it. Or I should say, I was angry at G-d for allowing me to have cancer. I was angry that G-d allowed my life to be disrupted by this disease. This doesn’t mean that I hate G-d. On the contrary, I love G-d. I love the fact that G-d has been with us during this time and guided our blind steps. I am thankful that G-d has been with me in healing from my first surgery and I pray will be with me in healing from the upcoming surgery. But I still don’t like the fact that G-d allowed this to happen.
Of course with a situation like I am in, there are myriad of emotions and sometimes they conflict with others. At times I am angry at G-d and others, so thankful for His lovingkindness and His presence in our lives. There are times that I feel hatred for the cancer, but joy at being alive and having one more day.
I guess life is like that. Filled with pain and joy. Filled with anger and laughter. Filled with hatred and love. I’m just thankful I have one more day to experience it all.
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Fighting Cancer – Part II
In my first post about fighting cancer, I talked about needing a team. This time I will talk about some other ways to fight cancer.
The first thing that comes to mind is a positive attitude. Since I found out I have cancer, I don’t know how many people have told me that “studies show that people with a positive attitude do better beating cancer than those with a negative attitude.” Of course, I have never seen these studies, but I choose to believe that they exist.
Now, having a positive attitude is not always easy. When one is faced with their mortality, the fear of death is very real. When you realize that death is only a matter of doing nothing, then it is very easy to get depressed. It is very easy to feel like giving up and letting nature take its course. As my wife wrote, “Dying is the easiest. After all, it’s the ultimate path of least resistance.“ If you let depression get the better of you, then you decide your fate by doing nothing.
But if you want to live, then you have to fight. You have to pull yourself out of your funk and decide that you will not “go gently into that good night”. How do you do that? Well, that is the hard part. First of all, you have to allow yourself to feel down. After all, you have every right to be depressed. You have every right to feel that life is hard. That is where your team comes in. With people helping you, you are able to get past those feelings. You are able to want to live again and enjoy life. This is not easy to do, but it is necessary.
Apart from the positive attitude, there is another part to fighting cancer that everybody abhors. Chemo.
There are different types of chemo for different types of cancer. The job of chemo is to kill the cancer. Usually this is done by seeking out the cancer cells, the cells that are fast growing. The problem with this is that apart from killing the fast growing, bad cells, it also kills the slower growing, good cells that are nearby. This is the cause of nausea, hair loss, and other bad side effects.
As for me, I am on two types of chemo. The first one is called Xeloda and taken orally. This type is pretty easy on the system, causing slight fatigue, but that is about all. The second type is called Oxaliplatin and is much more toxic. Apart from causing extreme fatigue (I usually spend the entire week after the treatment in bed), one of the side effects is called peripheral neuropathy. This usually manifests itself as a “pins and needles” feeling in the fingers and toes when exposed to cold. This means that I cannot touch anything cold, cannot reach into the refrigerator, cannot hold a cold drink, etc. I also cannot drink anything cold. Everything has to be at room temperature or it causes a sore throat when I drink.
Basically it is important to remember that chemotherapy is a way of ingesting metered amounts of poison into your body. It is enough poison to kill the cancer, but not enough to kill you. Hopefully.
So attitude and chemo are two other items needed in one’s fight against cancer. Attitude is important. Chemo sucks.
The first thing that comes to mind is a positive attitude. Since I found out I have cancer, I don’t know how many people have told me that “studies show that people with a positive attitude do better beating cancer than those with a negative attitude.” Of course, I have never seen these studies, but I choose to believe that they exist.
Now, having a positive attitude is not always easy. When one is faced with their mortality, the fear of death is very real. When you realize that death is only a matter of doing nothing, then it is very easy to get depressed. It is very easy to feel like giving up and letting nature take its course. As my wife wrote, “Dying is the easiest. After all, it’s the ultimate path of least resistance.“ If you let depression get the better of you, then you decide your fate by doing nothing.
But if you want to live, then you have to fight. You have to pull yourself out of your funk and decide that you will not “go gently into that good night”. How do you do that? Well, that is the hard part. First of all, you have to allow yourself to feel down. After all, you have every right to be depressed. You have every right to feel that life is hard. That is where your team comes in. With people helping you, you are able to get past those feelings. You are able to want to live again and enjoy life. This is not easy to do, but it is necessary.
Apart from the positive attitude, there is another part to fighting cancer that everybody abhors. Chemo.
There are different types of chemo for different types of cancer. The job of chemo is to kill the cancer. Usually this is done by seeking out the cancer cells, the cells that are fast growing. The problem with this is that apart from killing the fast growing, bad cells, it also kills the slower growing, good cells that are nearby. This is the cause of nausea, hair loss, and other bad side effects.
As for me, I am on two types of chemo. The first one is called Xeloda and taken orally. This type is pretty easy on the system, causing slight fatigue, but that is about all. The second type is called Oxaliplatin and is much more toxic. Apart from causing extreme fatigue (I usually spend the entire week after the treatment in bed), one of the side effects is called peripheral neuropathy. This usually manifests itself as a “pins and needles” feeling in the fingers and toes when exposed to cold. This means that I cannot touch anything cold, cannot reach into the refrigerator, cannot hold a cold drink, etc. I also cannot drink anything cold. Everything has to be at room temperature or it causes a sore throat when I drink.
Basically it is important to remember that chemotherapy is a way of ingesting metered amounts of poison into your body. It is enough poison to kill the cancer, but not enough to kill you. Hopefully.
So attitude and chemo are two other items needed in one’s fight against cancer. Attitude is important. Chemo sucks.
Thursday, January 29, 2004
One Major Prayer Answered!
More to go...
The first big prayer to be answered is that our health insurance has said they will pay for my ALL of my surgery and hospital expenses in DC. We were worried about this because Dr. Sugarbaker does not take Oxford, so we would have gone to him "out of network", which meant that after paying co-pay and deductibles, the insurance would only have paid 70% of what "they" deem to be fair and reasonable. That means we could have been looking at a bill in the tens of thousands. But Baruch HaShem, that is one worry off of our plates.
What to pray for now?
1) That the ileostomy will be reversed during the surgery
2) That since the chemo, the cancer would have been reduced and the Dr. will be able to clean it all out.
3) For a quick and complete recovery
4) For G-d's shalom to be felt in a real way in our family. This cancer doesn't effect only me, but my family, Roni's family and our spiritual family.
Finally, I would like to once again thank EVERYONE! Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your fellowship. Thank you for your encouraging cards and emails. Thank you for the dinners and lunches you paid for. Thank you for the love and concern you show to Roni and me. I will never be able to repay you for all that you have done, but know this, I will repay by showing the same love and concern to others that are going through this terrible disease.
Shalom v'ahavah
Kevin
The first big prayer to be answered is that our health insurance has said they will pay for my ALL of my surgery and hospital expenses in DC. We were worried about this because Dr. Sugarbaker does not take Oxford, so we would have gone to him "out of network", which meant that after paying co-pay and deductibles, the insurance would only have paid 70% of what "they" deem to be fair and reasonable. That means we could have been looking at a bill in the tens of thousands. But Baruch HaShem, that is one worry off of our plates.
What to pray for now?
1) That the ileostomy will be reversed during the surgery
2) That since the chemo, the cancer would have been reduced and the Dr. will be able to clean it all out.
3) For a quick and complete recovery
4) For G-d's shalom to be felt in a real way in our family. This cancer doesn't effect only me, but my family, Roni's family and our spiritual family.
Finally, I would like to once again thank EVERYONE! Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your fellowship. Thank you for your encouraging cards and emails. Thank you for the dinners and lunches you paid for. Thank you for the love and concern you show to Roni and me. I will never be able to repay you for all that you have done, but know this, I will repay by showing the same love and concern to others that are going through this terrible disease.
Shalom v'ahavah
Kevin
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
Born to Be Wild
There's a saying that only bikers understand why dogs stick their heads out of car windows. On July 4, 2002 we hit the road on a brand new Harley and discovered the amazing freedom of a loose intinerary, the wind in our faces and the road stretching before us.
Our 10-day road trip took us first to Arcadia National Park on the coast of Maine, through the largely unpopulated interior of Maine, to the countryside of Quebec province and back home — crossing the NY/Ontario border at 1,000 Islands. We covered 2,400 miles through quaint towns, picturesque farmlands and mountain wilderness. We had a fabulous time affirming our mutual love for travel and adventure.
Click here for pics.
Our 10-day road trip took us first to Arcadia National Park on the coast of Maine, through the largely unpopulated interior of Maine, to the countryside of Quebec province and back home — crossing the NY/Ontario border at 1,000 Islands. We covered 2,400 miles through quaint towns, picturesque farmlands and mountain wilderness. We had a fabulous time affirming our mutual love for travel and adventure.
Click here for pics.
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
These Are the Days
July 12, 2003 We decided to finally formalize our commitments to the faith we practice — Two-Testament (also known as Messianic) Judaism. I (Roni) officially converted and Kevin, who had not had a Bar Mitzvah ceremony as a boy, decided he wanted to publicly declare his commitment to being a "son of the commandment" (literal translation of Bar Mitzvah). Afterwards, we of course had a party, celebrating with family and friends at a Middle Eastern restaurant.
At times, cancer and treatment seems to overshadow everything. That's when we remind ourselves that this is a season of life and that we've been blessed with seasons of pleasure and delight. Life is weathering the harsh winters and frolicking in carefree summers, but even in the winters of life there are pleasures and comforts.
Click here to see some selected photos.
At times, cancer and treatment seems to overshadow everything. That's when we remind ourselves that this is a season of life and that we've been blessed with seasons of pleasure and delight. Life is weathering the harsh winters and frolicking in carefree summers, but even in the winters of life there are pleasures and comforts.
Click here to see some selected photos.
Monday, January 26, 2004
Bouncing Back; Looking Ahead
After a week spent mostly in bed recovering from chemo infusion, back to work today. Next treatment: "MOAS"*
*The Mother of All Surgeries
I keep telling myself, "2 months from now, and I'll be home recovering". I'm trying to look forward to the recovery part instead of the surgery part.
I went to my oncologist today for another blood test. My cell counts and hemoglobins and such are going back up, so I didn't need a shot of anything today. I'm still tired but at least made it into work for most of the day. While I was at the doctors', the office manager there said that the insurance co. called them again for more information. My oncologist told them that they needed an oncologist to review the paperwork, so at least he is fighting for us in battle. The office manager said that she believes it is about 70% approved so far (not that I put much faith in percentages. :-))
I haven't been to the gym in about a week. Just too wiped out from the Oxaliplatin. Hope to get back on schedule tomorrow. When I do go to the gym, I do some weights, and about 30 mins on either the treadmill or the "elliptical" trainer. Other than the fatigue I am feeling fine. Looking forward to the day when I am whole and well and feeling great.
*The Mother of All Surgeries
I keep telling myself, "2 months from now, and I'll be home recovering". I'm trying to look forward to the recovery part instead of the surgery part.
I went to my oncologist today for another blood test. My cell counts and hemoglobins and such are going back up, so I didn't need a shot of anything today. I'm still tired but at least made it into work for most of the day. While I was at the doctors', the office manager there said that the insurance co. called them again for more information. My oncologist told them that they needed an oncologist to review the paperwork, so at least he is fighting for us in battle. The office manager said that she believes it is about 70% approved so far (not that I put much faith in percentages. :-))
I haven't been to the gym in about a week. Just too wiped out from the Oxaliplatin. Hope to get back on schedule tomorrow. When I do go to the gym, I do some weights, and about 30 mins on either the treadmill or the "elliptical" trainer. Other than the fatigue I am feeling fine. Looking forward to the day when I am whole and well and feeling great.
Recommended Reading
Inspirational Reading for those facing cancer
Journey into Day — Meditations for New Cancer Patients by Rusty Freeman (Also great for people who love cancer patients). This book has short little meditations from someone who knows first-hand the spiritual, physical and emotional journey of dealing with cancer. No fluffy platitudes here--examples of topics are: "A Prayer for G-d's Protection" "Assuming the Worst" "Why God" "Chemotherapy Day" "When God Says No" "No Magic Formulas" and "The Lord Gives Strength"
Love Is a Journey: Couples Facing Cancer by Jan Latona, Ph.D. and Gary J. Stricklin, Ph.D.
Journey into Day — Meditations for New Cancer Patients by Rusty Freeman (Also great for people who love cancer patients). This book has short little meditations from someone who knows first-hand the spiritual, physical and emotional journey of dealing with cancer. No fluffy platitudes here--examples of topics are: "A Prayer for G-d's Protection" "Assuming the Worst" "Why God" "Chemotherapy Day" "When God Says No" "No Magic Formulas" and "The Lord Gives Strength"
Love Is a Journey: Couples Facing Cancer by Jan Latona, Ph.D. and Gary J. Stricklin, Ph.D.
Keeping the Faith
Some things that inspire us.
Kol HaOlam Kulo
R’Nachman / Chait 19 Kol Ha'olam Kulo.m4a
Kol ha-olam ku-lo gesher tsar me-ohd
All of the world (universe) entire is a very narrow bridge;
Gesher tsar me-ohd, gesher tsar me-ohd
Kol ha-olam ku-lo gesher tsar me-ohd; Gesher tsar me-ohd.
Ve-ha-ee-kar, ve-ha-ee-kar lo l’fa-khed, lo l’fa-khed k’lal.
but the main thing is not to dwell in fear.
Ve-ha-ee-kar, ve-ha-ee-kar lo l’fa-khed k’lal.
declaration.pdf
L’Chaim
By Roni Kersey 11/8/03
Dying is the easiest. After all, it’s the ultimate path of least resistance.
Surviving is harder. It requires a refusal to “go gentle into that good night.” It demands that you find courage in despair; that you summon uncommon strength from a body, mind and spirit that are under assault.
But living. That’s grueling. You have to somehow combine the fight for survival with purpose, joy, relationships, bills and laundry. And you have to do that every day, every moment. Realizing as you do, now more than ever, that this moment is all there is...
Choose life!
I received the following in an email and do not know the author. If anyone does know, please let me know.
The road to success is not straight. There is a curve called Failure, a loop called Confusion, speed bumps called Friends, red lights called Enemies, caution lights called Family. You will have flats called Jobs.
But, if you have a spare called Determination, an engine called Perseverance, insurance called Faith, a driver called God, you will make it to a place called Success.
odds.pdf
Kol HaOlam Kulo
R’Nachman / Chait 19 Kol Ha'olam Kulo.m4a
Kol ha-olam ku-lo gesher tsar me-ohd
All of the world (universe) entire is a very narrow bridge;
Gesher tsar me-ohd, gesher tsar me-ohd
Kol ha-olam ku-lo gesher tsar me-ohd; Gesher tsar me-ohd.
Ve-ha-ee-kar, ve-ha-ee-kar lo l’fa-khed, lo l’fa-khed k’lal.
but the main thing is not to dwell in fear.
Ve-ha-ee-kar, ve-ha-ee-kar lo l’fa-khed k’lal.
declaration.pdf
L’Chaim
By Roni Kersey 11/8/03
Dying is the easiest. After all, it’s the ultimate path of least resistance.
Surviving is harder. It requires a refusal to “go gentle into that good night.” It demands that you find courage in despair; that you summon uncommon strength from a body, mind and spirit that are under assault.
But living. That’s grueling. You have to somehow combine the fight for survival with purpose, joy, relationships, bills and laundry. And you have to do that every day, every moment. Realizing as you do, now more than ever, that this moment is all there is...
Choose life!
I received the following in an email and do not know the author. If anyone does know, please let me know.
The road to success is not straight. There is a curve called Failure, a loop called Confusion, speed bumps called Friends, red lights called Enemies, caution lights called Family. You will have flats called Jobs.
But, if you have a spare called Determination, an engine called Perseverance, insurance called Faith, a driver called God, you will make it to a place called Success.
odds.pdf
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