Yom Kippur

This is Roni writing. I haven't posted in a while, but it's early in the a.m., and I can't sleep. It's been quite a day, and I have so much on my mind and in my heart.

Yesterday was Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement for the Jewish people. It's a somber, contemplative holiday in which we fast, examine ourselves, repent and ask for forgiveness. It's also a day when we remember the loved ones we have lost.

There is an afternoon service called Yizkor during which congregants pray silently from the prayer book to remember our loved ones who are no longer with us. There are separate prayers for those who have lost children, parents, spouses...

I can't even tell you the emotions that came over me as I turned past the page containing the prayer for those who have lost a husband. It was on Oct. 8, two days after Yom Kippur last year (Jewish calendar is lunar), that Kevin went to the emergency room and we discovered he was sick. It was on Oct. 9, 2003 that I almost lost him (the first close call of others to follow) when he went in for emergency surgery. The fact that today I did not observe the Yizkor service as a widow is the culmination of so many miracles, so many answered prayers. It's wonderful. It's humbling. It's amazing and mystifying. It's the greatest joy, and it is sobering.

Only a few short hours before yesterday's Yizkor service, Kevin received a call on his cell phone to ask for prayer for fellow appendix cancer fighter, Josh. Doctors don't expect him to make it through the weekend. (That just means doctors are at the end of their resources; G-d is not at the end of His.) Even as I felt such gratitude for having Kevin at my side in the service, my heart went out to Gretchen and the whole Allen family. (I'm so grateful to our whole synagogue who prayed for them at the service yesterday!)

Many prayers went up from me today for Josh's healing, and for strength and peace for the family. I thought of people on our internet support group--Frank who recently lost his wife, Kat who joyfully had her husband restored to her, Steph & Jesse who daily, and heroically, struggle with this disease, Nancy who is home with her small children while her husband is away in a hospital recovering from surgery and awaiting another procedure, others whom we haven't heard from in a while, for whom we hope and pray the best. Friends who are dealing with other kinds of health issues or financial loss or broken relationships. All people who are too young, or too good--usually both--to have disease, pain, loss, fear, stress, disability... invade their lives so violently. It would seem there is no exemption card.

But Yom Kippur is also a day for remembering that G-d is a G-d of redemption, mercy and lovingkindness, even though we fall so short of being the people we should be. For us, as Messianic Jews, we also remember the suffering of the Messiah Yeshua (the suffering Messiah is spoken of in the Talmud, Sukkah 52a as well as in the Scriptures--e.g. Isaiah 53). He suffered and died to be our atonement. But He also was raised from the dead to be our redeemer--our rescuer from the fate of a life here on earth, as well as in eternity, separated from G-d's love, strength, courage, grace... all the things we need to face a life that can feel so harsh and cruel, especially when bad things do happen to good people. To any people. To any of G-d's creation.

There is a lot I don't know or understand. But I know one thing. If I had had to say the widow's prayer yesterday, somehow, G-d would have imparted to me enough faith, truth and comfort to enable me to go on and say--through tears of pain and loss to be sure--the Kaddish (the mourner's prayer). This beautiful prayer acknowledges that despite pain and sorrow, G-d is worthy to be praised. It acknowledges the need for mourning, the period of deep grieiving and the sorrow that never fully disipates, but it also employs the discipline of praising G-d in the midst of pain to help mourners to move into acceptance without becomming bitter. A portion:

"Glorified and celebrated, lauded and praised, acclaimed and honored, extolled and exalted may the Holy One be, fay beyond all song and psalm, beyond all tributes which man can utter. And let us say: Amen.

"Let there be abundant peace from heaven, with life's goodness for us and for all the people Israel. [And for all people of faith, integrity and seekers of truth who struggle with hard realities. For all in the PMPbellybuttons support group, for my fellow congregants, my family and friends everywhere].

"And let us say: Amen."