Hate and Anger

In dealing with cancer, or any life threatening situation for that matter, one must confront different emotion. Hate and anger are two of them.

I just started reading a book by Dr. Bernie Siegel called “Peace, Love and Healing”. The first few pages talk about how your mind and body can work together to heal. He also talks about confronting your emotions, even hate and anger.

Hate

There are things I hate. I hate cancer. I hate having an ileostomy. I hate chemo. Hate, hate, hate. Is it wrong to hate? Is it wrong to hate these things? I don’t think so. I think it is very natural to hate certain things. Things that make life hard. Things that can cause you to die. No, it isn’t wrong to hate these things. What is wrong is to accept them and give into them. If you hate them, then you might be willing to fight against them and change them.

Hate is perfectly normal. Suppressing our hatred is not normal and can lead to pent up feelings. So I want to get it out in the open. There are things I hate. Things I abhor. Things I despise. As for right now though, the main thing I hate is cancer. This does not mean that the effects of this disease are bad. On the contrary, it has helped me look at myself in a different light. It has made me look death in the face and come to terms with my own mortality. It has made me more sympathetic to others and their sufferings. Cancer has made me want to make sure that every day, I hug my wife and tell her I love her.

I don’t hate cancer for what I have become, but I hate it for what it has done to my body. I hate it for interrupting my life. I hate it for scaring my wife (and me) into depression. I hate it so much, that I want to fight and get rid of it. I hate it so much, that I want to live just to spite it and show that it doesn’t have power over me. It might have the ability to take my life, but it doesn’t have the ability to keep me from living.

Anger

Along with hate comes anger. They might be bedfellows, but they are not the same. There are times that I both hate and am angry at the same thing. There are times when I am angry at something, but I don’t hate it. Relationships are like that. My wife can make me angry, but I don’t hate her. As a matter of fact our love for each other keeps us together, even when we make each other angry. The important thing is not to stay angry.

I’m also angry at G-d. There, I said it. Or I should say, I was angry at G-d for allowing me to have cancer. I was angry that G-d allowed my life to be disrupted by this disease. This doesn’t mean that I hate G-d. On the contrary, I love G-d. I love the fact that G-d has been with us during this time and guided our blind steps. I am thankful that G-d has been with me in healing from my first surgery and I pray will be with me in healing from the upcoming surgery. But I still don’t like the fact that G-d allowed this to happen.

Of course with a situation like I am in, there are myriad of emotions and sometimes they conflict with others. At times I am angry at G-d and others, so thankful for His lovingkindness and His presence in our lives. There are times that I feel hatred for the cancer, but joy at being alive and having one more day.

I guess life is like that. Filled with pain and joy. Filled with anger and laughter. Filled with hatred and love. I’m just thankful I have one more day to experience it all.