Fear and Courage

As it is the season of Hannukah, the Feast of Dedication, I have been thinking about fear and courage.

Fear is a constant companion to cancer patients and those who love them. When we were first told that I have cancer my first reaction was that we were going to fight back, and win. I wasn’t so much gripped with fear as maybe I was dealing with denial. I mean, after all, I didn’t feel sick. I didn’t feel like I had cancer. As a matter of fact, apart from healing from the surgery, I felt fine.

When I got home, my main concern was getting better, and to be honest, I was more upset with having an ileostomy then I was with having cancer. After all, the ileostomy was more “in my face” than the cancer was. It wasn’t until I got home from the hospital, and started doing some research did the fear start to creep in.

I knew that people were beating cancer, I forgot that some also died from cancer. It was because the cancer that I have is rare, that it was difficult to find information about it. I looked on some “cancer” web sites and started reading some stories of people that had cancer. The stories of those who survived were encouraging. The stories of those who lost loved ones to cancer, although very touching, were just plain scary. It was reading some of these that I started to think that I could die from the cancer I had. That is where the fear came in.

I have never really thought about dying before. I mean, I’ve thought about it, and quickly thought that I was still too young to die. Even riding a motorcycle didn’t put the fear of dying into me. But having cancer started to scare me. And what was worse my wife was more scared than I was. And that scared me even more.

It was only after I learned more about my particular strain of cancer, and started communicating with others that have gone through it, or had loved ones that did, that I started to feel more confident. Knowing that others have gone through treatment and recovery and are now doing well gave me the courage to meet this head on. I have the courage to do what is needed. To drink as much barium as I need to. To have whatever surgeries I need. To have as many shots and tests as is necessary. I’m not crazy about all of this, and it still scares me. To be honest, I hate it all, but it’s necessary to get better.

The fear is still there. It never left and it will probably also be lurking in the background for the rest of my life, but I refuse to let it control my life. I’m going to fight this cancer with all that I have. I’m going to survive it and live a normal, although different life. And that is what courage is, being afraid, but doing what is necessary.