Hope and Reality

It's a beautiful day here in NYC. About 60 degrees and the sun is shining. Elke threw up this morning, so instead of going for a ride, I'm staying home with her to make sure she is OK. And I'm taking this opportunity to sit on the balcony and enjoy the great weather.

So, getting back to the title, "Hope and Reality".

I was going to call this "Hope vs. Reality", but I think they often coincide nicely with each other.

Hope - When one is told they have cancer, different things run through their minds. One is "Oh my G-d, I'm going to die." Another is, "I'm going to beat this thing." As cancer patients, we hope that we won't become one of the cancer death statistics. We hope that we will be one of the people that can say, "I beat cancer!" or "I've been cancer free for [insert number here] years." We hope we won't have to do chemo, but if we do, we hope it will be effective. Whenever we have tests, we always hope to hear the doctor say, "I have good news..."

We base this hope on different things. We base our hope on our belief that G-d can heal us. We base our hope on modern medicine and the wisdom of our doctors to do what is best. Sometimes we base our hope on sheer luck. For many, their hope is realized.

And for many, their reality does not measure up to their hope.

For many cancer patients, me included, the reality is that cancer is a killer. It robs one of time, health, family, dreams...

Roni and I got hit with the big "reality club" when we spoke to the doctor and he said "It looks like the signet ring cells (the agressive cancer cells) are starting to act like signet ring cells." Up till then, we were hoping the radiation I had was successful and that I would be able to have another surgery to remove the remaining two tumors. The reality was that the cancer had spread to the lungs, was starting to grow in the liver, recurred in the splenic bed and the tumor on the mesantery (sp?) grew. So now we deal with the reality that, barring a miracle, this cancer is going to continue to progress and be the thing that kills me.

As our reality changed, so does our hope. We continue to hope for a miracle, but make plans in case that doesn't happen. We hope that it is a long time before any symptoms appear that would diminish my quality of life. We hope that we can continue to share adventures, like going to Australia, for a long time yet.

Among the many things we have learned since starting this journey, is that our hopes and realities often change.

There is one thing that we have always hoped for, and has been a constant reality, and that is G-d has been with us through all of this. This doesn't mean that we have always leaned on Him. It doesn't mean we have always felt his presence. It doesn't mean we have always been happy with the path He has led us down. But looking back, we can see that He has been by our sides. He has given us the strength when we didn't think we could go on. He has brought people into our lives who have shown us what courage in the face of death looks like. He has brought friends who have been with us, and if nonthing else, just agreed with us that cancer sucks.

G-d hasn't always brought us everything we wanted, but He has brought us everything we need. One of our hopes now is that we continue to see the reality of G-d in our lives.