On Sunday morning, at 10:20 AM, Josh Allen finished his battle with cancer. He fought courageously with all that he had. He fought for his family. He fought for his friends. He fought for himself. But now his fight is over. Now he finally gets to rest. Cancer free.
On Sept 16th, 2004, Josh went to the hospital again because he had difficulty breathing. When they did some tests, it turned out he had fluid surrounding his lungs and he was put on a ventilator. They drained the fluid and the pathology report came back saying it was cancer. Josh spent the next 10 days in the hospital.
On Sat, Sept 25th, I received a phone call from Marisa (Josh’s sister) asking for prayer and telling us that the doctors did not expect Josh to make it past the weekend. I immediately sent out a prayer request to all of my family and friends. The next day we got the news that Josh passed away.
Josh was diagnosed with mucinous adenocarcinoma of the appendix (the same diagnosis I have) in Jan of this year. It is obvious now that his cancer was much more advanced than mine and probably more aggressive. Although he never had the “Mother Of All Surgeries”, he endured countless trips to the hospital, spent more time in ICU than I ever did, went through more rounds of chemo than I did and suffered with an NG tube longer than I did. And through all that time, he kept plugging away. Never giving up. He was a strong man and a valiant warrior when it came to fighting cancer.
But some warriors die. And when they do, they are remembered by those left behind. There is a tradition among soldiers to toast fallen comrades, and so, in that spirit, I would ask you to raise a glass, a bottle, or a cup of your favorite beverage…
To fallen comrades.
To Josh.
May his life and fight be an example to others. May his memory be a blessing to all.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Sunday, September 26, 2004
Yom Kippur
This is Roni writing. I haven't posted in a while, but it's early in the a.m., and I can't sleep. It's been quite a day, and I have so much on my mind and in my heart.
Yesterday was Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement for the Jewish people. It's a somber, contemplative holiday in which we fast, examine ourselves, repent and ask for forgiveness. It's also a day when we remember the loved ones we have lost.
There is an afternoon service called Yizkor during which congregants pray silently from the prayer book to remember our loved ones who are no longer with us. There are separate prayers for those who have lost children, parents, spouses...
I can't even tell you the emotions that came over me as I turned past the page containing the prayer for those who have lost a husband. It was on Oct. 8, two days after Yom Kippur last year (Jewish calendar is lunar), that Kevin went to the emergency room and we discovered he was sick. It was on Oct. 9, 2003 that I almost lost him (the first close call of others to follow) when he went in for emergency surgery. The fact that today I did not observe the Yizkor service as a widow is the culmination of so many miracles, so many answered prayers. It's wonderful. It's humbling. It's amazing and mystifying. It's the greatest joy, and it is sobering.
Only a few short hours before yesterday's Yizkor service, Kevin received a call on his cell phone to ask for prayer for fellow appendix cancer fighter, Josh. Doctors don't expect him to make it through the weekend. (That just means doctors are at the end of their resources; G-d is not at the end of His.) Even as I felt such gratitude for having Kevin at my side in the service, my heart went out to Gretchen and the whole Allen family. (I'm so grateful to our whole synagogue who prayed for them at the service yesterday!)
Many prayers went up from me today for Josh's healing, and for strength and peace for the family. I thought of people on our internet support group--Frank who recently lost his wife, Kat who joyfully had her husband restored to her, Steph & Jesse who daily, and heroically, struggle with this disease, Nancy who is home with her small children while her husband is away in a hospital recovering from surgery and awaiting another procedure, others whom we haven't heard from in a while, for whom we hope and pray the best. Friends who are dealing with other kinds of health issues or financial loss or broken relationships. All people who are too young, or too good--usually both--to have disease, pain, loss, fear, stress, disability... invade their lives so violently. It would seem there is no exemption card.
But Yom Kippur is also a day for remembering that G-d is a G-d of redemption, mercy and lovingkindness, even though we fall so short of being the people we should be. For us, as Messianic Jews, we also remember the suffering of the Messiah Yeshua (the suffering Messiah is spoken of in the Talmud, Sukkah 52a as well as in the Scriptures--e.g. Isaiah 53). He suffered and died to be our atonement. But He also was raised from the dead to be our redeemer--our rescuer from the fate of a life here on earth, as well as in eternity, separated from G-d's love, strength, courage, grace... all the things we need to face a life that can feel so harsh and cruel, especially when bad things do happen to good people. To any people. To any of G-d's creation.
There is a lot I don't know or understand. But I know one thing. If I had had to say the widow's prayer yesterday, somehow, G-d would have imparted to me enough faith, truth and comfort to enable me to go on and say--through tears of pain and loss to be sure--the Kaddish (the mourner's prayer). This beautiful prayer acknowledges that despite pain and sorrow, G-d is worthy to be praised. It acknowledges the need for mourning, the period of deep grieiving and the sorrow that never fully disipates, but it also employs the discipline of praising G-d in the midst of pain to help mourners to move into acceptance without becomming bitter. A portion:
"Glorified and celebrated, lauded and praised, acclaimed and honored, extolled and exalted may the Holy One be, fay beyond all song and psalm, beyond all tributes which man can utter. And let us say: Amen.
"Let there be abundant peace from heaven, with life's goodness for us and for all the people Israel. [And for all people of faith, integrity and seekers of truth who struggle with hard realities. For all in the PMPbellybuttons support group, for my fellow congregants, my family and friends everywhere].
"And let us say: Amen."
Yesterday was Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement for the Jewish people. It's a somber, contemplative holiday in which we fast, examine ourselves, repent and ask for forgiveness. It's also a day when we remember the loved ones we have lost.
There is an afternoon service called Yizkor during which congregants pray silently from the prayer book to remember our loved ones who are no longer with us. There are separate prayers for those who have lost children, parents, spouses...
I can't even tell you the emotions that came over me as I turned past the page containing the prayer for those who have lost a husband. It was on Oct. 8, two days after Yom Kippur last year (Jewish calendar is lunar), that Kevin went to the emergency room and we discovered he was sick. It was on Oct. 9, 2003 that I almost lost him (the first close call of others to follow) when he went in for emergency surgery. The fact that today I did not observe the Yizkor service as a widow is the culmination of so many miracles, so many answered prayers. It's wonderful. It's humbling. It's amazing and mystifying. It's the greatest joy, and it is sobering.
Only a few short hours before yesterday's Yizkor service, Kevin received a call on his cell phone to ask for prayer for fellow appendix cancer fighter, Josh. Doctors don't expect him to make it through the weekend. (That just means doctors are at the end of their resources; G-d is not at the end of His.) Even as I felt such gratitude for having Kevin at my side in the service, my heart went out to Gretchen and the whole Allen family. (I'm so grateful to our whole synagogue who prayed for them at the service yesterday!)
Many prayers went up from me today for Josh's healing, and for strength and peace for the family. I thought of people on our internet support group--Frank who recently lost his wife, Kat who joyfully had her husband restored to her, Steph & Jesse who daily, and heroically, struggle with this disease, Nancy who is home with her small children while her husband is away in a hospital recovering from surgery and awaiting another procedure, others whom we haven't heard from in a while, for whom we hope and pray the best. Friends who are dealing with other kinds of health issues or financial loss or broken relationships. All people who are too young, or too good--usually both--to have disease, pain, loss, fear, stress, disability... invade their lives so violently. It would seem there is no exemption card.
But Yom Kippur is also a day for remembering that G-d is a G-d of redemption, mercy and lovingkindness, even though we fall so short of being the people we should be. For us, as Messianic Jews, we also remember the suffering of the Messiah Yeshua (the suffering Messiah is spoken of in the Talmud, Sukkah 52a as well as in the Scriptures--e.g. Isaiah 53). He suffered and died to be our atonement. But He also was raised from the dead to be our redeemer--our rescuer from the fate of a life here on earth, as well as in eternity, separated from G-d's love, strength, courage, grace... all the things we need to face a life that can feel so harsh and cruel, especially when bad things do happen to good people. To any people. To any of G-d's creation.
There is a lot I don't know or understand. But I know one thing. If I had had to say the widow's prayer yesterday, somehow, G-d would have imparted to me enough faith, truth and comfort to enable me to go on and say--through tears of pain and loss to be sure--the Kaddish (the mourner's prayer). This beautiful prayer acknowledges that despite pain and sorrow, G-d is worthy to be praised. It acknowledges the need for mourning, the period of deep grieiving and the sorrow that never fully disipates, but it also employs the discipline of praising G-d in the midst of pain to help mourners to move into acceptance without becomming bitter. A portion:
"Glorified and celebrated, lauded and praised, acclaimed and honored, extolled and exalted may the Holy One be, fay beyond all song and psalm, beyond all tributes which man can utter. And let us say: Amen.
"Let there be abundant peace from heaven, with life's goodness for us and for all the people Israel. [And for all people of faith, integrity and seekers of truth who struggle with hard realities. For all in the PMPbellybuttons support group, for my fellow congregants, my family and friends everywhere].
"And let us say: Amen."
Thursday, September 23, 2004
Why do bad things happen to good people?
I think it is true for every cancer patient to think, “Why did this happen to me?” I know I did. Why couldn’t Osama binLaden get cancer and die in some cave in Afghanistan? Why did G-d allow me to get cancer and not some scumbag terrorist?
I don’t have an answer to that. The best thing I can come up with is, it just is. We live in an imperfect world, and sometimes you get hit in the noggin with a curve ball.
I remember lying in my hospital bed, in Oct of 2003. The surgeon that performed the emergency operation on me was to stop by in the morning and give us the result of the pathology report. Roni hadn’t arrived yet. At first I kept praying for good news. Over and over again, I would pray, “G-d, please let it not be serious.” Then for some reason my prayer changed. I then started praying, “G-d, please give us the strength to face whatever happens.”
A short time later, after Roni had arrived, the surgeon stopped by and told us, “It’s malignant.” I believe my prayer helped me to be ready for that.
It is now almost a year later. I have been through 3 operations, two of which included chemo. I have been through 4 rounds of chemo (both oral and infusion). I have spent a total of 6 weeks in hospital and about 9 at home recovering. I have had to deal with an ostomy, and then the effects of having it reversed. I’ve been through a lot, but others have been through much worse.
My wife and I have spent hours praying for healing, and G-d has answered our prayer. Then I think, why did He answer our prayer and not the prayers of others? I don’t know. Maybe He did, but not with the answer they wanted. Maybe there are lessons we need to learn from going through all this pain and suffering. Maybe in the long run, it will make us better people, and will make it possible for us to help others through their times of trouble.
At least that is what my prayer is now.
I don’t have an answer to that. The best thing I can come up with is, it just is. We live in an imperfect world, and sometimes you get hit in the noggin with a curve ball.
I remember lying in my hospital bed, in Oct of 2003. The surgeon that performed the emergency operation on me was to stop by in the morning and give us the result of the pathology report. Roni hadn’t arrived yet. At first I kept praying for good news. Over and over again, I would pray, “G-d, please let it not be serious.” Then for some reason my prayer changed. I then started praying, “G-d, please give us the strength to face whatever happens.”
A short time later, after Roni had arrived, the surgeon stopped by and told us, “It’s malignant.” I believe my prayer helped me to be ready for that.
It is now almost a year later. I have been through 3 operations, two of which included chemo. I have been through 4 rounds of chemo (both oral and infusion). I have spent a total of 6 weeks in hospital and about 9 at home recovering. I have had to deal with an ostomy, and then the effects of having it reversed. I’ve been through a lot, but others have been through much worse.
My wife and I have spent hours praying for healing, and G-d has answered our prayer. Then I think, why did He answer our prayer and not the prayers of others? I don’t know. Maybe He did, but not with the answer they wanted. Maybe there are lessons we need to learn from going through all this pain and suffering. Maybe in the long run, it will make us better people, and will make it possible for us to help others through their times of trouble.
At least that is what my prayer is now.
Friday, September 03, 2004
Arizona
Well, I arrived home from my trip to Arizona yesterday. The conference I went to was good, the only problem was that my digestive system was still giving me a hard time. Hopefully things will start to settle down soon. :-(
It was hot in Arizona, over 100 degrees farenheight every day. But it was still great. The resort was beautiful and the scenery was amazing.
Roni went with me and stayed for a couple of days. The first day we were there, we drove to Tucson to visit another cancer fighter, Josh Allen (you can find a link to his blog -- created and updated by his sister-- at the right of my blog). We spent about 4 hours there and had a great time. Having a strong, loving family is an important part of fighting cancer, and Josh certainly has one. We met his wife and kids, his parents and sisters, his mother-in-law, cousin and one of his sister's boyfriend. At once they made us feel at home and when we left, we felt like we were part of the family. Josh was recovering from a round of chemo, so he spent most of the time sleeping.
Please continue to keep him and his family in prayer. His fight isn't over and he needs as many people as possible watching his back.
As for me, I am still have digestive problems. About 6 or so bowel movements a day. Morning are still the hardest, and I have not been getting much sleep. So please keep me in your prayers as well.
Concerning the cancer support group at work, I spoke with the nurse in our HR dept and she thinks it is a great idea. She was on vacation for the past two weeks, so she said she will try to set up a meeting with her, me, a representative from the American Cancer Society and a rep from Time Inc's EAP (Employee Assistance Program). I'll let you all know how it goes.
Well, that is about it for now. I'll try to get some pics from our trip up soon and will let you all know when they are available.
Kevin
P.S. The blog has a new feature. Clicking on the small envelope icon at the bottom of the post allows you to quickly and easily email a link to the post to a friend.
It was hot in Arizona, over 100 degrees farenheight every day. But it was still great. The resort was beautiful and the scenery was amazing.
Roni went with me and stayed for a couple of days. The first day we were there, we drove to Tucson to visit another cancer fighter, Josh Allen (you can find a link to his blog -- created and updated by his sister-- at the right of my blog). We spent about 4 hours there and had a great time. Having a strong, loving family is an important part of fighting cancer, and Josh certainly has one. We met his wife and kids, his parents and sisters, his mother-in-law, cousin and one of his sister's boyfriend. At once they made us feel at home and when we left, we felt like we were part of the family. Josh was recovering from a round of chemo, so he spent most of the time sleeping.
Please continue to keep him and his family in prayer. His fight isn't over and he needs as many people as possible watching his back.
As for me, I am still have digestive problems. About 6 or so bowel movements a day. Morning are still the hardest, and I have not been getting much sleep. So please keep me in your prayers as well.
Concerning the cancer support group at work, I spoke with the nurse in our HR dept and she thinks it is a great idea. She was on vacation for the past two weeks, so she said she will try to set up a meeting with her, me, a representative from the American Cancer Society and a rep from Time Inc's EAP (Employee Assistance Program). I'll let you all know how it goes.
Well, that is about it for now. I'll try to get some pics from our trip up soon and will let you all know when they are available.
Kevin
P.S. The blog has a new feature. Clicking on the small envelope icon at the bottom of the post allows you to quickly and easily email a link to the post to a friend.
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