Hope and Reality

It's a beautiful day here in NYC. About 60 degrees and the sun is shining. Elke threw up this morning, so instead of going for a ride, I'm staying home with her to make sure she is OK. And I'm taking this opportunity to sit on the balcony and enjoy the great weather.

So, getting back to the title, "Hope and Reality".

I was going to call this "Hope vs. Reality", but I think they often coincide nicely with each other.

Hope - When one is told they have cancer, different things run through their minds. One is "Oh my G-d, I'm going to die." Another is, "I'm going to beat this thing." As cancer patients, we hope that we won't become one of the cancer death statistics. We hope that we will be one of the people that can say, "I beat cancer!" or "I've been cancer free for [insert number here] years." We hope we won't have to do chemo, but if we do, we hope it will be effective. Whenever we have tests, we always hope to hear the doctor say, "I have good news..."

We base this hope on different things. We base our hope on our belief that G-d can heal us. We base our hope on modern medicine and the wisdom of our doctors to do what is best. Sometimes we base our hope on sheer luck. For many, their hope is realized.

And for many, their reality does not measure up to their hope.

For many cancer patients, me included, the reality is that cancer is a killer. It robs one of time, health, family, dreams...

Roni and I got hit with the big "reality club" when we spoke to the doctor and he said "It looks like the signet ring cells (the agressive cancer cells) are starting to act like signet ring cells." Up till then, we were hoping the radiation I had was successful and that I would be able to have another surgery to remove the remaining two tumors. The reality was that the cancer had spread to the lungs, was starting to grow in the liver, recurred in the splenic bed and the tumor on the mesantery (sp?) grew. So now we deal with the reality that, barring a miracle, this cancer is going to continue to progress and be the thing that kills me.

As our reality changed, so does our hope. We continue to hope for a miracle, but make plans in case that doesn't happen. We hope that it is a long time before any symptoms appear that would diminish my quality of life. We hope that we can continue to share adventures, like going to Australia, for a long time yet.

Among the many things we have learned since starting this journey, is that our hopes and realities often change.

There is one thing that we have always hoped for, and has been a constant reality, and that is G-d has been with us through all of this. This doesn't mean that we have always leaned on Him. It doesn't mean we have always felt his presence. It doesn't mean we have always been happy with the path He has led us down. But looking back, we can see that He has been by our sides. He has given us the strength when we didn't think we could go on. He has brought people into our lives who have shown us what courage in the face of death looks like. He has brought friends who have been with us, and if nonthing else, just agreed with us that cancer sucks.

G-d hasn't always brought us everything we wanted, but He has brought us everything we need. One of our hopes now is that we continue to see the reality of G-d in our lives.

Good News and Bad News

Unfortunately, the Bad News is badder than the Good News is gooder.

First the good news. I don't have to have another surgery. No GoLytely. No IVs. No NG tubes. No drains. No "other things" that makes surgery and recovery, shall we say, unpleasant.

Now the bad news.We heard back from the doctor in Omaha concerning my recent CT scan and it looks like there are new spots of cancer. 2 in the lungs. Recurrence in the splenic bed (where my spleen used to be), and the tumor on the mesantary is enlarged. That means that the treatment that I had before, both the chemo and the radiation didn't do a lot of good. Probably the thing that hit us the hardest was when the doctor said the Signet Ring cells were starting to act like Signet Ring cells. For those of you that don't know, Signet Ring cells are the most aggressive cells of PMP. I have had them from the beginning (over 6 years ago), and the doctors have been amazed that I was still around. That means that for some reason, they weren't acting like the normally do. But, now they are.

So, with the new tumors, surgery isn't really an option as the doctor would not be able to do a complete cydoreduction (i.e. remove all the tumor). This leaves us with two options. 1) Do nothing and just watch and wait. Enjoy life and try to get in as much "living" as possible before the symptoms start becoming too bad. Or 2) try more chemotherapy and biological agents. There is one "cocktail" I have not had which is a combination of Irinotecan (chemo) and Erbitux (bilogical - not chemo), which may help keep the tumors at bay. We know they will not kill the cancer, all we would be able to hope for is that it would keep the cancer from growing. However, we would have no idea how long it would be effective. Also, we don't know how it would effect my quality of life. Would it drain my energy? Would it keep me from being able to travel, or ride my Harley? If so, would it be worth it to go through all of that just to be "house ridden" for who knows how long?

Lots of questions, not many answers right now.

The news hit us both pretty hard, especially as it was the news that we were hoping NOT to get.

Roni and I have been married for over 18 years, and we often talked about visiting Australia for our 20th anniversary so I could show Roni where I lived over there. We are currently considering making that trip this year. Maybe in April or May. If we go, we will fly to Brisbane and rent a car and drive north to Charters Towers. It would be good to see some of my friends from my high school days, and see how much things have changed, or stayed the same since I left. If we make the trip, we will be sure to keep everyone updated, and will be sure to take A LOT of pictures.

I am sorry to even have to bring you this news about my cancer, but knew eventually I would have to post something like this. We appreciate your prayers and know that G-d will be with us during this leg of the journey as He has been all along. We don't know what the future holds, but we do know who holds the future.

I'll write more later, but for now, at least we have one more day...

No News is... No News

Well, as you know from the last post, our meeting with Dr. Loggie was canceled. I went ahead and got my CT scan here in NYC and had the results sent to Omaha. We were hoping that we would hear back from Dr. Loggie yesterday, but for some reason he didn't call. So, we still don't know what the results of the CT scan is, and what our next steps will be.

Yes, it is very frustrating.

If surgery is in the future, it is scheduled for March 25, which is just over two weeks away. That means if we find out that is the option, we only have a couple of weeks to arange a dog sitter for Elke, family leave for Roni and everything else we need to do for a hospital stay in Omaha.

Again, when we learn what is going on, I'll let you all know.

Kevin