Please continue to pray for Kevin.
All of his vitals, except blood counts, are good, and he seems to be healing well from the surgery. However, he is having two severe side affects from the chemo -- low blood counts, both red and white cells.
The anemia along with continued sleeplessness (for a variety of reasons) has him very fatigued.
His white count is dangerously low at .9 (Should be 4.0-6.0) This places him at great risk for infection. He is now in isolation, meaning he can't leave his room (just when he finally started walking!), and others cannot enter without wearing a mask. I don't have to wear a mask, because he is already exposed to my germs, but I do have to scrub my hands and wear gloves before touching him.
He is getting Procrit for the anemia and received 2 units of packed, red blood cells last night/this morning. Two days ago they began injections of a drug that will hopefully stimulate his bone marrow to begin producing white cells again. As a precaution, they are giving him antibiotics, and they removed his chest port, as that site as a tendancy to become infected.
Good news is that his digestive system is coming along. He got the NG tube out yesterday (9 days post-op) and is now enjoying a liquid diet. Mmmmmm. Pudding.
With this complication, Kevin continues to need 24/7 care. My parents are driving back up from N. Carolina to help me, so I can go back to the hotel and get some sleep. please pray for good health for all of us -- especially me as I have had very little sleep -- as any illness would bar us from Kevin's room. And for Kevin, please join me in praying for a miraculous restoration of bone marrow production and a white count increase ahead of the week or so that it normally takes the drug to take affect.
Thanks for continued support.
Love,
Roni
Saturday, February 28, 2004
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
DC Update 3 - Sleep last night!
Today is, Tuesday, 6-days post-op.
Last night my dad stayed in Kevin's room, and with a higher dose of Benedryl, no surgical stockings, a day of forced activity (breathing into a spirmometer (?)), Kevin slept much better. I went to the hotel and slept in a bed!, so I ffel better, too.
Thanks, Dad!
It's nearly 10:30 a.m. Kevin is visiting with his parents, wishing he could just sleep and deciding whether to get up now or this evening. The doctors said they may take his chest tube out today. He may also get his NG tube out in the next 3 to 4 days. That is what is currently making him the most miserable. His meds give him a really dry throat, and the tube makes it hurt worse, but as long as the NG tube is in, he can't even swallow water, just suck on ice chips.
I really think the worst is behind us, and that he will start gaining strength each day.
I will try to find time in the next day or two to write some of the neat things that have happened.
As always, much, much gratitude for all the prayers and well-wishes.
Roni
Last night my dad stayed in Kevin's room, and with a higher dose of Benedryl, no surgical stockings, a day of forced activity (breathing into a spirmometer (?)), Kevin slept much better. I went to the hotel and slept in a bed!, so I ffel better, too.
Thanks, Dad!
It's nearly 10:30 a.m. Kevin is visiting with his parents, wishing he could just sleep and deciding whether to get up now or this evening. The doctors said they may take his chest tube out today. He may also get his NG tube out in the next 3 to 4 days. That is what is currently making him the most miserable. His meds give him a really dry throat, and the tube makes it hurt worse, but as long as the NG tube is in, he can't even swallow water, just suck on ice chips.
I really think the worst is behind us, and that he will start gaining strength each day.
I will try to find time in the next day or two to write some of the neat things that have happened.
As always, much, much gratitude for all the prayers and well-wishes.
Roni
Monday, February 23, 2004
DC Update 2 - Hard Day's Night
Two hard nights in a row have led to hard days.
But, the good news is that vital signs are still good, and the chest tube, which drain fluid from around the lung, may come out tomorrow. One tube down, lots to go!
Most of our "some less than stellar nursing care" led to Kevin being unnecessarily uncomfortable the last two nights, and with the anesthesia wearing off, he's feeling the discomfort. Also, the pain medication along with sheer exhaustion has resulted in some confusion and disorientation--for Kevin, too! ;-)
Kevin needs 24/7 care, and I've been "sleeping" on a cot in his room. I sleep lightly, and awaken when he stirs. Last night in the darkened room I looked up with my glasses off to see him scratching his nose, I thought. Next thing I know, he's looking in the tangle of sheets and tubes for his NG tube (tube that goes from his nostril into his stomach to suction fluids out). He hadn't been scratching his nose after all, but pulling his NG tube out. It feels awful in, but even worse getting PUT in, and he had to endure the nurse replacing it. From then on, a dim light stayed on and I wore my glasses in bed.
In spite of all this, he managed to sit up for one hour this morning as well as increase the level of his breathing exercise. He even managed humor. Those who know Kevin know that he is the master of the one-liner. Now he's found ways to "say" his witticisms with gestures, as talking hurts his throat and takes too much energy!
Please pray for good sleep for Kevin at night and increased activity during the day. These are what he needs most now to speed his recovery.
Thanks for the emails conveying support and concern. We are grateful.
Love,
Roni
But, the good news is that vital signs are still good, and the chest tube, which drain fluid from around the lung, may come out tomorrow. One tube down, lots to go!
Most of our "some less than stellar nursing care" led to Kevin being unnecessarily uncomfortable the last two nights, and with the anesthesia wearing off, he's feeling the discomfort. Also, the pain medication along with sheer exhaustion has resulted in some confusion and disorientation--for Kevin, too! ;-)
Kevin needs 24/7 care, and I've been "sleeping" on a cot in his room. I sleep lightly, and awaken when he stirs. Last night in the darkened room I looked up with my glasses off to see him scratching his nose, I thought. Next thing I know, he's looking in the tangle of sheets and tubes for his NG tube (tube that goes from his nostril into his stomach to suction fluids out). He hadn't been scratching his nose after all, but pulling his NG tube out. It feels awful in, but even worse getting PUT in, and he had to endure the nurse replacing it. From then on, a dim light stayed on and I wore my glasses in bed.
In spite of all this, he managed to sit up for one hour this morning as well as increase the level of his breathing exercise. He even managed humor. Those who know Kevin know that he is the master of the one-liner. Now he's found ways to "say" his witticisms with gestures, as talking hurts his throat and takes too much energy!
Please pray for good sleep for Kevin at night and increased activity during the day. These are what he needs most now to speed his recovery.
Thanks for the emails conveying support and concern. We are grateful.
Love,
Roni
Friday, February 20, 2004
DC Update 1 - Prayers answered and then some!
G-d has been with us and done even more than we asked or thought. We are so happy and grateful.
So sorry to keep you in suspense. The internet connection for computer in the lounge at the hospital's hotel was not working, and I couldn't figure out how to connect the laptop via modem -- Kev is my technical advisor in these things.
All prayers were answered and then some. Here's the important "how's he doing?" stuff. Will write later about some neat ways G-d was very real and near.
1. They performed a 100% cytoreduction -- translation, they got all visible tumors and growths!!!! When I said to Dr. S. "So, that means his 5-year survival rate is now up to 50%, right?" He said, "I would say for Kevin right now, it is at least 60%."
2. They were able to leave Kevin's bowel intact, and the surgeon (Dr. S.) says the ileostomy will be reversed in 3 to 6 months, barring any return of the tumors that would make it necessary to take more of the intestinal track -- chances of that happening prior to time of reversal are slim to none.
3. The surgery lasted only 10 hours, instead of the 12 they projected, though with the first and only update -- at about 10:30 a.m. they said that the surgery would take an extra 3 hours, so when they called me in my hotel room at 6:00 p.m., I thought there were 5 hours to go. They said Dr.S. was coming out to talk to the family and I thought something must have gone horribly wrong, though in my heart I didn't believe that. (There's more to this story. It's a comedy of errors that sounds like a far-fetched sitcom. I'll write about it later). I was however relieved when I learned that someone had given me wrong info. about the surgery being expected to take longer and that they were done and Kev was doing better than they had hoped. Alice's mom (Alice is the young woman from Hoboken whose surgery was the day after Kev's) said she saw Dr. S's office manager/wife Ilsa the day after Kev's surgery and Ilsa told her the surgical staff was still glowing & bubbling from how well Kevin's surgery had gone!
4. The kidneys and bladder had lots of tumors on the surface, which had become hardened. The entire abdominal wall was lined with nodules, too thought they were softer. Dr. S. felt that the 2 cycles of chemo Kev had done previous to the surgery had softened up most of the nodules throughout the cavity making removing them easier. The ones on the bowel were still hard pretty hard though and very difficult to remove without removing bowel with them. (That would have meant a permanent ostomy, and Dr. S. told Kev prior to the surgery that he hates to give permanent ostomies. He told me after the surgery that they used special tiny scissors to snip as much as they could, then they would stir the chemo in wash in the abdomen to soften things up, then snip some more, then stir, snip, stir, snip, stir... until they finally were able to get the tumors off and save the bowel. We LOVE this man!!
5. Kevin is not having the five days of wash that normally follows this procedure because Dr. S. felt that Kev's innards could not handle anymore toxicity as: a) vital organs (kidneys & bladder) had been pretty scraped up, b) there were internal holes left from where they removed the mesh used to repair his hernia 5 years ago (they will close on their own before we leave), and c) because the chemo wash they used the surgery was with a drug much more potent than they usually use. (We elected to use it as part of a study at the recommendation of both Dr. S. and our oncologist, Dr. Ratner.) Though we won't know for certain until we get the pathology report in about a week and a half, Dr. S. feels so confident that all the cancer was contained in the cavity and taken care of during the surgery, he thinks Kev might not even need to complete his systemic chemo course when we get home! If that turns out to be the case, then that is certainly above what we asked G-d for in prayer.
6. The area around the spleen was clean, so the spleen was left. Gall bladder and lots of other non-essentials -- yes, of course the bellybutton! -- were removed.
Kevin spent only one night in ICU and is now in a private room with a cot for me to sleep on. He's feeling good, in very little pain, and cracking jokes. The NG tube is a discomfort, but not nearly as bad as when in St. Lukes-Roosevelt. The nurse told us that Dr. S. had the manufacturers design one for his patients that is smaller in diameter, softer and more flexible. He did not sleep well last night due to itching. (They had a rough pad under him; we got them to put a sheet on top and that solved that problem), and being tired was his biggest complaint today.
Dr. S. said that we should try to keep Kevin up during the day so he could sleep at night and get back on a more normal schedule, which helps healing. So, we all (Kev's parents and mine are here) took turns annoying him by talking loudly, asking him questions and making him do his exercises. He was actually a great sport about doing them, knowing the more active he is, the sooner he's likely to get out of here. The exercises consist of using a breathing tube 10 reps an hour, bending his legs at the knees and straightening them for 10 reps every 2 hours and clenching his fists and doing weightless bicep curls.
Dr. S. also said he needed to "dangle" today (put his legs over side of the bed and sit upright on edge of bed). Kevin managed a "3/4 dangle"; he could not sit upright all the way because of the pull on the stitches. Tomorrow they will get him up and make him walk a little. He and Alice (the 26-year-old whose surgery was day after his) have a bet over which of them will make it down the hall first. Kevin decided it was time for his dangle when he heard that Alice was bugging the nurses in ICU today to let her get out of bed!
We haven't read all our emails yet; I just started reading them to Kevin when he decided 8:30 was time for sleep. I will read them to him tomorrow, and we'll respond as we find time.
Thank you for all the support and prayer; we know we owe this wonderful outcome to G-d's loving kindness. We, and many of you, cried to Him, and He delivered us from all our fears. Baruch HaShem
So sorry to keep you in suspense. The internet connection for computer in the lounge at the hospital's hotel was not working, and I couldn't figure out how to connect the laptop via modem -- Kev is my technical advisor in these things.
All prayers were answered and then some. Here's the important "how's he doing?" stuff. Will write later about some neat ways G-d was very real and near.
1. They performed a 100% cytoreduction -- translation, they got all visible tumors and growths!!!! When I said to Dr. S. "So, that means his 5-year survival rate is now up to 50%, right?" He said, "I would say for Kevin right now, it is at least 60%."
2. They were able to leave Kevin's bowel intact, and the surgeon (Dr. S.) says the ileostomy will be reversed in 3 to 6 months, barring any return of the tumors that would make it necessary to take more of the intestinal track -- chances of that happening prior to time of reversal are slim to none.
3. The surgery lasted only 10 hours, instead of the 12 they projected, though with the first and only update -- at about 10:30 a.m. they said that the surgery would take an extra 3 hours, so when they called me in my hotel room at 6:00 p.m., I thought there were 5 hours to go. They said Dr.S. was coming out to talk to the family and I thought something must have gone horribly wrong, though in my heart I didn't believe that. (There's more to this story. It's a comedy of errors that sounds like a far-fetched sitcom. I'll write about it later). I was however relieved when I learned that someone had given me wrong info. about the surgery being expected to take longer and that they were done and Kev was doing better than they had hoped. Alice's mom (Alice is the young woman from Hoboken whose surgery was the day after Kev's) said she saw Dr. S's office manager/wife Ilsa the day after Kev's surgery and Ilsa told her the surgical staff was still glowing & bubbling from how well Kevin's surgery had gone!
4. The kidneys and bladder had lots of tumors on the surface, which had become hardened. The entire abdominal wall was lined with nodules, too thought they were softer. Dr. S. felt that the 2 cycles of chemo Kev had done previous to the surgery had softened up most of the nodules throughout the cavity making removing them easier. The ones on the bowel were still hard pretty hard though and very difficult to remove without removing bowel with them. (That would have meant a permanent ostomy, and Dr. S. told Kev prior to the surgery that he hates to give permanent ostomies. He told me after the surgery that they used special tiny scissors to snip as much as they could, then they would stir the chemo in wash in the abdomen to soften things up, then snip some more, then stir, snip, stir, snip, stir... until they finally were able to get the tumors off and save the bowel. We LOVE this man!!
5. Kevin is not having the five days of wash that normally follows this procedure because Dr. S. felt that Kev's innards could not handle anymore toxicity as: a) vital organs (kidneys & bladder) had been pretty scraped up, b) there were internal holes left from where they removed the mesh used to repair his hernia 5 years ago (they will close on their own before we leave), and c) because the chemo wash they used the surgery was with a drug much more potent than they usually use. (We elected to use it as part of a study at the recommendation of both Dr. S. and our oncologist, Dr. Ratner.) Though we won't know for certain until we get the pathology report in about a week and a half, Dr. S. feels so confident that all the cancer was contained in the cavity and taken care of during the surgery, he thinks Kev might not even need to complete his systemic chemo course when we get home! If that turns out to be the case, then that is certainly above what we asked G-d for in prayer.
6. The area around the spleen was clean, so the spleen was left. Gall bladder and lots of other non-essentials -- yes, of course the bellybutton! -- were removed.
Kevin spent only one night in ICU and is now in a private room with a cot for me to sleep on. He's feeling good, in very little pain, and cracking jokes. The NG tube is a discomfort, but not nearly as bad as when in St. Lukes-Roosevelt. The nurse told us that Dr. S. had the manufacturers design one for his patients that is smaller in diameter, softer and more flexible. He did not sleep well last night due to itching. (They had a rough pad under him; we got them to put a sheet on top and that solved that problem), and being tired was his biggest complaint today.
Dr. S. said that we should try to keep Kevin up during the day so he could sleep at night and get back on a more normal schedule, which helps healing. So, we all (Kev's parents and mine are here) took turns annoying him by talking loudly, asking him questions and making him do his exercises. He was actually a great sport about doing them, knowing the more active he is, the sooner he's likely to get out of here. The exercises consist of using a breathing tube 10 reps an hour, bending his legs at the knees and straightening them for 10 reps every 2 hours and clenching his fists and doing weightless bicep curls.
Dr. S. also said he needed to "dangle" today (put his legs over side of the bed and sit upright on edge of bed). Kevin managed a "3/4 dangle"; he could not sit upright all the way because of the pull on the stitches. Tomorrow they will get him up and make him walk a little. He and Alice (the 26-year-old whose surgery was day after his) have a bet over which of them will make it down the hall first. Kevin decided it was time for his dangle when he heard that Alice was bugging the nurses in ICU today to let her get out of bed!
We haven't read all our emails yet; I just started reading them to Kevin when he decided 8:30 was time for sleep. I will read them to him tomorrow, and we'll respond as we find time.
Thank you for all the support and prayer; we know we owe this wonderful outcome to G-d's loving kindness. We, and many of you, cried to Him, and He delivered us from all our fears. Baruch HaShem
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
Last update before Washington
It is 6:30 AM and we are getting ready for our trip to Washington DC
Today will be a busy day once we arrive at the Washington Cancer Institute. I have to have a CT scan and pre-admission testing. And drink a lot of stuff to clean out my bowels before the surgery tomorrow morning. What fun. :-|
Roni and I had an early Anniversary dinner last night. Our real anniversary will be on Feb 22, 4 days after my surgery. So we decided to celebrate by splurging on a fantastic meal. The last one I will be able to have for a couple of weeks. We went to a very expensive and nice restaurant. We had delicious food, great service and a very relaxing, fun time. Can't wait to do it again.
Roni and I are both fairly calm and I am ready to get this over and done with. But for now, we have to finish getting ready as our ride will be here to pick us up at 7 AM.
Today will be a busy day once we arrive at the Washington Cancer Institute. I have to have a CT scan and pre-admission testing. And drink a lot of stuff to clean out my bowels before the surgery tomorrow morning. What fun. :-|
Roni and I had an early Anniversary dinner last night. Our real anniversary will be on Feb 22, 4 days after my surgery. So we decided to celebrate by splurging on a fantastic meal. The last one I will be able to have for a couple of weeks. We went to a very expensive and nice restaurant. We had delicious food, great service and a very relaxing, fun time. Can't wait to do it again.
Roni and I are both fairly calm and I am ready to get this over and done with. But for now, we have to finish getting ready as our ride will be here to pick us up at 7 AM.
Monday, February 09, 2004
Personal History of Kevin Kersey
For those who don’t know much about me, here is a short history of my life.
I was born on June 24th, 1959 in San Pedro, California. I was born in an Army hospital (as my father is retired Navy, we had access to military hospitals and installations) at Fort MacArthur. If I am correct that army base has been closed. I don’t remember much of San Pedro as I was very young when we moved from there to Paso Robles, CA.
The only thing I remember about Paso Robles is Kindergarten and I don’t remember much of that. There is only one memory that stands out during that time and I don’t know how much is real or just imagined. I remember riding my tricycle and seeing people crying. They were crying because someone had died. The only thing I can think of is they were crying because of the death of John F. Kennedy. As I said, I don’t know how much of that is real or just in my imagination.
After kindergarten, we moved to Port Hueneme in Southern California. It was there that we lived in a small house on the corner of the block. When we moved there, there was a small palm tree that was shorter than my older sister, who was probably about 8 years old or so. I don’t remember when it happened, but when we moved from that house a few years later, that tree was taller than our house. I believe we lived in that house about 5 years or so and moved from there to Ventura, CA.
In Ventura, we lived in, what I thought, was luxury. A beautiful big house with 4 bedrooms, two stories, a fireplace, a two-car garage and even built-in sprinklers in the front lawn. I also remember that we lived next to an orange orchard where we spent a lot of time playing, and keeping out of the framer’s sight.
I had a friend, John Machamer that lived on the other side of the orchard. We spent all our spare time together, either playing basketball, fishing at the pier, or trying to stay out of trouble. I haven’t seen or heard from Jobn in decades. I wonder what ever happened to him.
When I was about 13, my family moved to Australia. My father was there during WWII while he was in the Navy. He loved it and always wanted to return to live, if only for awhile. The chance finally arrived, so we sold everything we had, packed the rest into 15 suitcases and went. The trip there was quite an adventure as we tried to get there flying “space-a” from Travis AFB to Australia. For those who don’t know “Space-a” is a military term. If you are active duty, or retired, you can fly on military transport if there is “space available”. Well, after a couple of weeks, the only destination we could get was to Hawaii, where we heard rumors that people were getting to Australia from there. Getting to Hawaii was easy, but when we got there, it turned out that no one was getting to Australia. So we went to plan B where we got a space-a flight to Clark AFB in the Philippines. From Clark AFB, we traveled to Manila where we caught a commercial flight to Australia. The trip from the USA to Australia was long but for us kids, it was quite an adventure. Apart form traveling to Hawaii and the Philippines, I remember that we also went to Guam, where the humidity was horrible, even early in the morning.
In Australia, we first lived in a small town in North Queensland called Charters Towers. Charters Towers had two claims to fame. 1) it used to be the second largest city in Qld. When it was a gold-mining town (it is no longer the second largerst) and 2) it is the educational center of North Qld. Besides the public or state High School, it had 6 private high schools, or what they called “colleges”.
In Charters Towers our living conditions were VERY different than they were in California. The house we lived in was built for one person. There was no running hot water. No air conditioning or heating. Actually, there was no insulation. We usually kept all of the windows open during the summer, which allowed all of the bugs to visit us. But somehow we got used to it. My mom did insist on getting an air conditioner that was portable so she could move it from room to room.
One thing I forgot to mention is that we lived in the tropics, ergo the heat and humidity. We also had a lot of flies, beetles, frogs and other assorted insects that thrive in the tropics. And mosquitoes. I can't forget them. We even slept under mosquito nets at night. We also only got mail a couple of times a week. Our phone number consisted of three digits. We got two television channels, and those went off the air about 10 or 11 PM. And this was all in 1973. Regardless of all the hardships we had to deal with, it was quite an adventure and I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything.
We lived in Charters Towers for about 3 years and then moved to Margate on the Redcliffe peninsula, just north of Brisbane. Our house was just about half a block from the beach. Margate was also bigger and closer to the big city. (In Charters Towers, we lived 90 miles from the nearest big city of Townsville.)
I enjoyed living in Margate much more than Charters Towers. We made some great friends and had some great adventures. I remember a lot of good times with my friend Adrian. We would skip school, get some meat pies and cokes and just hang out on the beach. Sure, it wasn’t great for my grades, but I found out that my high school grades didn’t end up on my “permanent record”.
After graduating from Clontarf Beach State High School (yes I did graduate), I spent the next few years trying to decide what to do with my life. I tried going to college in the states, but after a year and half ended up back in Australia. But after not being to get work, I went back to the states. Back to college, Dropped out. Lived with my parents. Went back to school and eventually joined the US Air Force.
I enlisted in April of 1982 and it was the best thing I could’ve done with my life. Up till then, I had no direction or purpose and the AF gave me some stability. After basic training in Lackland AFB in San Antonio, TX, I spent the next 6 months in training at Lowry AFB near Denver, CO and Plattsburgh AFB, in Plattlsburgh, NY. I went to my first permanent base on Dec 7th, 1982. That was RAF Lakenheath in the UK.
I spent 3 and half years overseas working on the F-111f. A medium range bomber that saw action in Vietnam to the first Gulf War. It was a lot of hard work, and I’ll admit I didn’t enjoy it all. But I did get the opportunity to travel. The AF sent me to Italy, Germany (twice) and Turkey. I was also able to visit Israel twice (a month each time). I am proud of my service to my country and have a great respect for all who served faithfully with honor. And as a side note, when you see a man or woman in uniform, or a veteran, don’t forget to shake their hand and say “Thank you”. They deserve it.
After the AF, I moved to Portland, OR to go back to school. I attended Portland State University and acquired a BA in International Studies in the Middle East (I also received an Associates in Applied Science from the Community College of the Air Force before my discharge). It took me three years to complete my degree and I graduated in June of 1989.
In Sept of 1989, I moved to Philadelphia, PA. It was there, at a Messianic Synagogue that my wife and I started dating. We dated for a year before becoming engaged. We were married 6 months later on Feb 22, 1992. We lived in Philly for another 7 years before moving to Manhattan, NY. A move we never regretted. We love this city.
Since we have been married, we have had a lot of ups and downs. Apart from learning to live with each other (and being two very different people, that was no easy task), we have also dealt with surgeries, moving, depression, excitement, traveling (Morocco, San Francisco, Arizona, Southern California, Curacao, Canada, Tennessee), infertility and now cancer. It has not always been easy, and I will be the first to admit that I am not an easy person to live with, but I am very fortunate to have found a great wife who has stuck with me through many hard times, and enjoys traveling and adventure and our Harley!
And that brings us up to today.
I was born on June 24th, 1959 in San Pedro, California. I was born in an Army hospital (as my father is retired Navy, we had access to military hospitals and installations) at Fort MacArthur. If I am correct that army base has been closed. I don’t remember much of San Pedro as I was very young when we moved from there to Paso Robles, CA.
The only thing I remember about Paso Robles is Kindergarten and I don’t remember much of that. There is only one memory that stands out during that time and I don’t know how much is real or just imagined. I remember riding my tricycle and seeing people crying. They were crying because someone had died. The only thing I can think of is they were crying because of the death of John F. Kennedy. As I said, I don’t know how much of that is real or just in my imagination.
After kindergarten, we moved to Port Hueneme in Southern California. It was there that we lived in a small house on the corner of the block. When we moved there, there was a small palm tree that was shorter than my older sister, who was probably about 8 years old or so. I don’t remember when it happened, but when we moved from that house a few years later, that tree was taller than our house. I believe we lived in that house about 5 years or so and moved from there to Ventura, CA.
In Ventura, we lived in, what I thought, was luxury. A beautiful big house with 4 bedrooms, two stories, a fireplace, a two-car garage and even built-in sprinklers in the front lawn. I also remember that we lived next to an orange orchard where we spent a lot of time playing, and keeping out of the framer’s sight.
I had a friend, John Machamer that lived on the other side of the orchard. We spent all our spare time together, either playing basketball, fishing at the pier, or trying to stay out of trouble. I haven’t seen or heard from Jobn in decades. I wonder what ever happened to him.
When I was about 13, my family moved to Australia. My father was there during WWII while he was in the Navy. He loved it and always wanted to return to live, if only for awhile. The chance finally arrived, so we sold everything we had, packed the rest into 15 suitcases and went. The trip there was quite an adventure as we tried to get there flying “space-a” from Travis AFB to Australia. For those who don’t know “Space-a” is a military term. If you are active duty, or retired, you can fly on military transport if there is “space available”. Well, after a couple of weeks, the only destination we could get was to Hawaii, where we heard rumors that people were getting to Australia from there. Getting to Hawaii was easy, but when we got there, it turned out that no one was getting to Australia. So we went to plan B where we got a space-a flight to Clark AFB in the Philippines. From Clark AFB, we traveled to Manila where we caught a commercial flight to Australia. The trip from the USA to Australia was long but for us kids, it was quite an adventure. Apart form traveling to Hawaii and the Philippines, I remember that we also went to Guam, where the humidity was horrible, even early in the morning.
In Australia, we first lived in a small town in North Queensland called Charters Towers. Charters Towers had two claims to fame. 1) it used to be the second largest city in Qld. When it was a gold-mining town (it is no longer the second largerst) and 2) it is the educational center of North Qld. Besides the public or state High School, it had 6 private high schools, or what they called “colleges”.
In Charters Towers our living conditions were VERY different than they were in California. The house we lived in was built for one person. There was no running hot water. No air conditioning or heating. Actually, there was no insulation. We usually kept all of the windows open during the summer, which allowed all of the bugs to visit us. But somehow we got used to it. My mom did insist on getting an air conditioner that was portable so she could move it from room to room.
One thing I forgot to mention is that we lived in the tropics, ergo the heat and humidity. We also had a lot of flies, beetles, frogs and other assorted insects that thrive in the tropics. And mosquitoes. I can't forget them. We even slept under mosquito nets at night. We also only got mail a couple of times a week. Our phone number consisted of three digits. We got two television channels, and those went off the air about 10 or 11 PM. And this was all in 1973. Regardless of all the hardships we had to deal with, it was quite an adventure and I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything.
We lived in Charters Towers for about 3 years and then moved to Margate on the Redcliffe peninsula, just north of Brisbane. Our house was just about half a block from the beach. Margate was also bigger and closer to the big city. (In Charters Towers, we lived 90 miles from the nearest big city of Townsville.)
I enjoyed living in Margate much more than Charters Towers. We made some great friends and had some great adventures. I remember a lot of good times with my friend Adrian. We would skip school, get some meat pies and cokes and just hang out on the beach. Sure, it wasn’t great for my grades, but I found out that my high school grades didn’t end up on my “permanent record”.
After graduating from Clontarf Beach State High School (yes I did graduate), I spent the next few years trying to decide what to do with my life. I tried going to college in the states, but after a year and half ended up back in Australia. But after not being to get work, I went back to the states. Back to college, Dropped out. Lived with my parents. Went back to school and eventually joined the US Air Force.
I enlisted in April of 1982 and it was the best thing I could’ve done with my life. Up till then, I had no direction or purpose and the AF gave me some stability. After basic training in Lackland AFB in San Antonio, TX, I spent the next 6 months in training at Lowry AFB near Denver, CO and Plattsburgh AFB, in Plattlsburgh, NY. I went to my first permanent base on Dec 7th, 1982. That was RAF Lakenheath in the UK.
I spent 3 and half years overseas working on the F-111f. A medium range bomber that saw action in Vietnam to the first Gulf War. It was a lot of hard work, and I’ll admit I didn’t enjoy it all. But I did get the opportunity to travel. The AF sent me to Italy, Germany (twice) and Turkey. I was also able to visit Israel twice (a month each time). I am proud of my service to my country and have a great respect for all who served faithfully with honor. And as a side note, when you see a man or woman in uniform, or a veteran, don’t forget to shake their hand and say “Thank you”. They deserve it.
After the AF, I moved to Portland, OR to go back to school. I attended Portland State University and acquired a BA in International Studies in the Middle East (I also received an Associates in Applied Science from the Community College of the Air Force before my discharge). It took me three years to complete my degree and I graduated in June of 1989.
In Sept of 1989, I moved to Philadelphia, PA. It was there, at a Messianic Synagogue that my wife and I started dating. We dated for a year before becoming engaged. We were married 6 months later on Feb 22, 1992. We lived in Philly for another 7 years before moving to Manhattan, NY. A move we never regretted. We love this city.
Since we have been married, we have had a lot of ups and downs. Apart from learning to live with each other (and being two very different people, that was no easy task), we have also dealt with surgeries, moving, depression, excitement, traveling (Morocco, San Francisco, Arizona, Southern California, Curacao, Canada, Tennessee), infertility and now cancer. It has not always been easy, and I will be the first to admit that I am not an easy person to live with, but I am very fortunate to have found a great wife who has stuck with me through many hard times, and enjoys traveling and adventure and our Harley!
And that brings us up to today.
Hate and Anger
In dealing with cancer, or any life threatening situation for that matter, one must confront different emotion. Hate and anger are two of them.
I just started reading a book by Dr. Bernie Siegel called “Peace, Love and Healing”. The first few pages talk about how your mind and body can work together to heal. He also talks about confronting your emotions, even hate and anger.
Hate
There are things I hate. I hate cancer. I hate having an ileostomy. I hate chemo. Hate, hate, hate. Is it wrong to hate? Is it wrong to hate these things? I don’t think so. I think it is very natural to hate certain things. Things that make life hard. Things that can cause you to die. No, it isn’t wrong to hate these things. What is wrong is to accept them and give into them. If you hate them, then you might be willing to fight against them and change them.
Hate is perfectly normal. Suppressing our hatred is not normal and can lead to pent up feelings. So I want to get it out in the open. There are things I hate. Things I abhor. Things I despise. As for right now though, the main thing I hate is cancer. This does not mean that the effects of this disease are bad. On the contrary, it has helped me look at myself in a different light. It has made me look death in the face and come to terms with my own mortality. It has made me more sympathetic to others and their sufferings. Cancer has made me want to make sure that every day, I hug my wife and tell her I love her.
I don’t hate cancer for what I have become, but I hate it for what it has done to my body. I hate it for interrupting my life. I hate it for scaring my wife (and me) into depression. I hate it so much, that I want to fight and get rid of it. I hate it so much, that I want to live just to spite it and show that it doesn’t have power over me. It might have the ability to take my life, but it doesn’t have the ability to keep me from living.
Anger
Along with hate comes anger. They might be bedfellows, but they are not the same. There are times that I both hate and am angry at the same thing. There are times when I am angry at something, but I don’t hate it. Relationships are like that. My wife can make me angry, but I don’t hate her. As a matter of fact our love for each other keeps us together, even when we make each other angry. The important thing is not to stay angry.
I’m also angry at G-d. There, I said it. Or I should say, I was angry at G-d for allowing me to have cancer. I was angry that G-d allowed my life to be disrupted by this disease. This doesn’t mean that I hate G-d. On the contrary, I love G-d. I love the fact that G-d has been with us during this time and guided our blind steps. I am thankful that G-d has been with me in healing from my first surgery and I pray will be with me in healing from the upcoming surgery. But I still don’t like the fact that G-d allowed this to happen.
Of course with a situation like I am in, there are myriad of emotions and sometimes they conflict with others. At times I am angry at G-d and others, so thankful for His lovingkindness and His presence in our lives. There are times that I feel hatred for the cancer, but joy at being alive and having one more day.
I guess life is like that. Filled with pain and joy. Filled with anger and laughter. Filled with hatred and love. I’m just thankful I have one more day to experience it all.
I just started reading a book by Dr. Bernie Siegel called “Peace, Love and Healing”. The first few pages talk about how your mind and body can work together to heal. He also talks about confronting your emotions, even hate and anger.
Hate
There are things I hate. I hate cancer. I hate having an ileostomy. I hate chemo. Hate, hate, hate. Is it wrong to hate? Is it wrong to hate these things? I don’t think so. I think it is very natural to hate certain things. Things that make life hard. Things that can cause you to die. No, it isn’t wrong to hate these things. What is wrong is to accept them and give into them. If you hate them, then you might be willing to fight against them and change them.
Hate is perfectly normal. Suppressing our hatred is not normal and can lead to pent up feelings. So I want to get it out in the open. There are things I hate. Things I abhor. Things I despise. As for right now though, the main thing I hate is cancer. This does not mean that the effects of this disease are bad. On the contrary, it has helped me look at myself in a different light. It has made me look death in the face and come to terms with my own mortality. It has made me more sympathetic to others and their sufferings. Cancer has made me want to make sure that every day, I hug my wife and tell her I love her.
I don’t hate cancer for what I have become, but I hate it for what it has done to my body. I hate it for interrupting my life. I hate it for scaring my wife (and me) into depression. I hate it so much, that I want to fight and get rid of it. I hate it so much, that I want to live just to spite it and show that it doesn’t have power over me. It might have the ability to take my life, but it doesn’t have the ability to keep me from living.
Anger
Along with hate comes anger. They might be bedfellows, but they are not the same. There are times that I both hate and am angry at the same thing. There are times when I am angry at something, but I don’t hate it. Relationships are like that. My wife can make me angry, but I don’t hate her. As a matter of fact our love for each other keeps us together, even when we make each other angry. The important thing is not to stay angry.
I’m also angry at G-d. There, I said it. Or I should say, I was angry at G-d for allowing me to have cancer. I was angry that G-d allowed my life to be disrupted by this disease. This doesn’t mean that I hate G-d. On the contrary, I love G-d. I love the fact that G-d has been with us during this time and guided our blind steps. I am thankful that G-d has been with me in healing from my first surgery and I pray will be with me in healing from the upcoming surgery. But I still don’t like the fact that G-d allowed this to happen.
Of course with a situation like I am in, there are myriad of emotions and sometimes they conflict with others. At times I am angry at G-d and others, so thankful for His lovingkindness and His presence in our lives. There are times that I feel hatred for the cancer, but joy at being alive and having one more day.
I guess life is like that. Filled with pain and joy. Filled with anger and laughter. Filled with hatred and love. I’m just thankful I have one more day to experience it all.
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Fighting Cancer – Part II
In my first post about fighting cancer, I talked about needing a team. This time I will talk about some other ways to fight cancer.
The first thing that comes to mind is a positive attitude. Since I found out I have cancer, I don’t know how many people have told me that “studies show that people with a positive attitude do better beating cancer than those with a negative attitude.” Of course, I have never seen these studies, but I choose to believe that they exist.
Now, having a positive attitude is not always easy. When one is faced with their mortality, the fear of death is very real. When you realize that death is only a matter of doing nothing, then it is very easy to get depressed. It is very easy to feel like giving up and letting nature take its course. As my wife wrote, “Dying is the easiest. After all, it’s the ultimate path of least resistance.“ If you let depression get the better of you, then you decide your fate by doing nothing.
But if you want to live, then you have to fight. You have to pull yourself out of your funk and decide that you will not “go gently into that good night”. How do you do that? Well, that is the hard part. First of all, you have to allow yourself to feel down. After all, you have every right to be depressed. You have every right to feel that life is hard. That is where your team comes in. With people helping you, you are able to get past those feelings. You are able to want to live again and enjoy life. This is not easy to do, but it is necessary.
Apart from the positive attitude, there is another part to fighting cancer that everybody abhors. Chemo.
There are different types of chemo for different types of cancer. The job of chemo is to kill the cancer. Usually this is done by seeking out the cancer cells, the cells that are fast growing. The problem with this is that apart from killing the fast growing, bad cells, it also kills the slower growing, good cells that are nearby. This is the cause of nausea, hair loss, and other bad side effects.
As for me, I am on two types of chemo. The first one is called Xeloda and taken orally. This type is pretty easy on the system, causing slight fatigue, but that is about all. The second type is called Oxaliplatin and is much more toxic. Apart from causing extreme fatigue (I usually spend the entire week after the treatment in bed), one of the side effects is called peripheral neuropathy. This usually manifests itself as a “pins and needles” feeling in the fingers and toes when exposed to cold. This means that I cannot touch anything cold, cannot reach into the refrigerator, cannot hold a cold drink, etc. I also cannot drink anything cold. Everything has to be at room temperature or it causes a sore throat when I drink.
Basically it is important to remember that chemotherapy is a way of ingesting metered amounts of poison into your body. It is enough poison to kill the cancer, but not enough to kill you. Hopefully.
So attitude and chemo are two other items needed in one’s fight against cancer. Attitude is important. Chemo sucks.
The first thing that comes to mind is a positive attitude. Since I found out I have cancer, I don’t know how many people have told me that “studies show that people with a positive attitude do better beating cancer than those with a negative attitude.” Of course, I have never seen these studies, but I choose to believe that they exist.
Now, having a positive attitude is not always easy. When one is faced with their mortality, the fear of death is very real. When you realize that death is only a matter of doing nothing, then it is very easy to get depressed. It is very easy to feel like giving up and letting nature take its course. As my wife wrote, “Dying is the easiest. After all, it’s the ultimate path of least resistance.“ If you let depression get the better of you, then you decide your fate by doing nothing.
But if you want to live, then you have to fight. You have to pull yourself out of your funk and decide that you will not “go gently into that good night”. How do you do that? Well, that is the hard part. First of all, you have to allow yourself to feel down. After all, you have every right to be depressed. You have every right to feel that life is hard. That is where your team comes in. With people helping you, you are able to get past those feelings. You are able to want to live again and enjoy life. This is not easy to do, but it is necessary.
Apart from the positive attitude, there is another part to fighting cancer that everybody abhors. Chemo.
There are different types of chemo for different types of cancer. The job of chemo is to kill the cancer. Usually this is done by seeking out the cancer cells, the cells that are fast growing. The problem with this is that apart from killing the fast growing, bad cells, it also kills the slower growing, good cells that are nearby. This is the cause of nausea, hair loss, and other bad side effects.
As for me, I am on two types of chemo. The first one is called Xeloda and taken orally. This type is pretty easy on the system, causing slight fatigue, but that is about all. The second type is called Oxaliplatin and is much more toxic. Apart from causing extreme fatigue (I usually spend the entire week after the treatment in bed), one of the side effects is called peripheral neuropathy. This usually manifests itself as a “pins and needles” feeling in the fingers and toes when exposed to cold. This means that I cannot touch anything cold, cannot reach into the refrigerator, cannot hold a cold drink, etc. I also cannot drink anything cold. Everything has to be at room temperature or it causes a sore throat when I drink.
Basically it is important to remember that chemotherapy is a way of ingesting metered amounts of poison into your body. It is enough poison to kill the cancer, but not enough to kill you. Hopefully.
So attitude and chemo are two other items needed in one’s fight against cancer. Attitude is important. Chemo sucks.
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